May
Posted on 11th May 2012
That’s right, dammit- Episode 40 of my incredible podcast is here. This time around I go toe-to-toe with master comedian, storyteller, and thinking man Tom Shillue. Take that phone off the hook as Tom and talk hot yoga, barbershop quartet groupies, parenting, and about 500 other things most people can’t handle. Also, a brand new listener submission and, of course, Ian Ball’s Hot Jamz. Listen to the whole thing right here, right now. And in case you missed Episode 39 with the great Joe Mande, it’s right here.
Still street,
May
Posted on 10th May 2012
When I was in Portland, Oregon a few weeks ago for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, I sat down with comedian Dan Duncan for a “Spicy Interview.” The premise is simple and painful- at the beginning of the interview, both the interviewer and the interviewee eat a raw habanero pepper. I’m not sure why I agreed to this. And yet I’m oddly glad I did. Also, my butt still hurts. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it so much.
Love,
Dave Hill
May
Posted on 9th May 2012
Remember how I already made the best book trailer of all-time with my music video for my forthcoming book Tasteful Nudes? Yeah, well I made another best book trailer of all-time, this time around with my close personal friends Malcolm Gladwell and Dick Cavett. Brace yourself- this one pretty much has everything, too. Oh, and as long as I’m talking about my book, here is a great review of it by Richard Rushfield. Thanks, Richard. And thank you.
Still street,
May
Posted on 8th May 2012
As rumored in the Scandinavian press, my book Tasteful Nudes is coming out in just two weeks (that’s 14 days!) on May 22, 2012 A.D. I know, I can’t believe it either. As you can probably imagine, I’m pretty excited/nervous/borderline violent about the whole thing. I’ve already planned a bunch of tour dates as part of my Tasteful Nudes assault on America, but last night, in a fit of ecstasy (or maybe I was just hammered. I’m not sure), I had an idea. That idea is this: I, Dave Hill, will do a book reading for you and your friends in your home. Dangerous? Maybe. Awesome? Definitely. Here’s the deal:
Drop me a line at dave@davehillonline.com telling me where you live (you can leave out the actual address for now) and why you think it would be a totally awesome idea for me to totally show up at your home and do a book reading (Yes, it has to be a reading from my book. I gotta maintain some dignity here) that will also include book signing, light chitchat, and hopefully a fair amount of binge drinking and maybe a cheese plate or two. If we both agree it’s a seriously good idea that we can totally make happen without any harm to you, your loved ones, or- most importantly- me, I’ll totally do it. I am going to do FIVE house readings in North America in total, so be sure to tell me why I should totally come to your house. It’s not necessarily a contest, but it’s not not a contest, if you know what I mean. Don’t be afraid to use profanity if you feel it’s necessary. And, in case you’re wondering whether this is some sort of goddamn joke, let me assure you I am serious. Deadly, DEADLY serious. I want to come read my book at YOUR HOUSE!
I look forward to hearing from you,
May
Posted on 7th May 2012
I probably shouldn’t even have to tell you this, but Ice Loves Coco. Ice loves Coco so much, in fact, that they even made a TV show about it. It is called “Ice Loves Coco” and it is the best show of all time and you can ask anyone.
In case you have been living under a goddamn rock since basically forever, the Ice I am referring to here is Ice-T, the popular rapper, actor, and star of the hit television program “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit”, on which he plays Detective Odafin “Fin” Tutuola, a tough-talking cop who isn’t afraid to tell it like it is, not even a little bit. Sometimes people confuse Ice-T with Ice Cube, another popular rapper and actor. These people are known as assholes because those two guys couldn’t be more different. For starters, Ice Cube was in the hit movie “Anaconda,” which was about some dumb snake, and Ice-T has a huge penis, something this reporter read on the Internet while researching this story.
As for Coco, she is Ice’s wife and also has huge boobs. Also, Coco’s parents met on the set of the hit television program “Bonanza,” a show we still talk about to this day. Coco is also a model and has a huge ass, which is great for me and Ice too, I imagine. Coco is basically the polar opposite of Ice-T and if someone would have told me ten years ago that Ice and Coco were going to wind up together, I would have laughed them out of the room and also told them to go fuck themselves. But then it happened and I was forced to reevaluate the world around me as well as my place in it. And when I heard that Ice indeed loves Coco, well, don’t even get me started.
“Sure, Ice likes Coco,” I thought. “But love? I’m not so sure about that.”
But then I saw my first episode of “Ice Loves Coco” and it erased all doubt in my mind. In fact, I can say with utmost confidence as of this writing that Ice loves Coco so much it’s actually kind of weird.
I realize there are probably a few naysayers out there who think Ice only loves Coco, not the other way around. But guess what- it’s a two-way street. Coco loves that crazy son of a bitch. On this one episode, Coco got an offer to star in a movie but didn’t want to do it because it would mean she’d have to be away from Ice for two months straight. But when she told Ice, Ice was all like “Hey, baby, I’ll miss you but you should totally do that movie.” It was like “The Gift of the Magi” or something. I couldn’t believe it.
Do Ice and Coco ever have bad days? Of course. We all do. But here’s the difference- they get through it and the next thing you know Ice will just be like “I love you, Coco” and Coco will be like “I love you, Ice” like whatever bullshit Coco just pulled never happened. In short, they just can’t stay mad at each other. I can only hope Jennifer Aniston watches “Ice Loves Coco” so maybe she will learn something and won’t have to bounce around from man to man like a goddamn oversexed pinball and force me to worry about her all the time. Get it the fuck together, Aniston! You’re getting too old for this shit!
I had an idea for an “Ice Loves Coco”-themed beverage called Ice Loves Cocoa. As hinted at in the name, it would be for a hot chocolate. In the commercial, Ice could wake up in the middle of the night, sneak into the kitchen, and make himself a cup of delicious hot chocolate. Then, just as he’s about to take a sip, he stares into the mug and says “Ice loves Cocoa.” Then Coco shows up in the doorway and says “Hey, wait a minute!” Then Ice could be like “Don’t worry, Coco, I made some for you too.” Then Ice would give Coco his cup. That’s just how he is. You could put their dog Spartacus in the commercial too. He could just sit there and have one of those “Hey, what about me?” looks on his face that dogs get sometimes. It would be great. I don’t even want any money for this idea. Ice and Coco, if you are reading this, you can have that idea for FREE. Just promise me you’ll save me some cocoa. Haha. I am kidding. I am happy to buy my own. When I get to the checkout, though, I am going to say “This was my idea!” Haha. I am kidding. I probably won’t.
Speaking of Ice and Coco, a couple weeks ago, I was out for a bike ride when suddenly, from out of nowhere, Ice appeared right in front of me in the bike lane, like a goddamn apparition. He had apparently just parked his car (A Rolls-Royce. What- did you think he’d be driving some piece of shit or something? Yeah, right) and was making his way to the sidewalk in the really cool Ice-T kind of way you are probably imagining right now.
“Where there is Ice, there is Coco,” I thought as I tried to pull myself together. Then sure enough, I saw Coco walking just a few feet away, right behind Ice and looking even more beautiful in person than she does on the hit program “Ice Loves Coco” and also with a huge ass. It was in that moment that I realized that Ice had instinctively placed himself between me and Coco. I would never claim to be a great bicyclist, but I am definitely a good bicyclist. Still, there was no way Ice could have possibly known that, which is why he took it upon himself to rule out the possibility of me accidentally crashing right into Coco without even thinking about it. Of course, this was just one more reminder to me that, just when I think I’ve got Ice and Coco figured out, they’ll send me back to the drawing board with some new expression of their love. It just doesn’t stop with them.
Naturally, when I saw Ice and Coco, I wanted to say “Hey, Ice! Hey, Coco!” to them, but instead I found myself suddenly unable to speak, silenced by my brush with Ice and Coconess. Instead, I just sat there on my bike as they faded into the distance, like two gunslingers from the Old West, one of whom seriously has one of the biggest asses I’ve ever seen. It was awesome. Above is a photo I took of Ice and Coco as they were walking away. That’s Coco on the left.
I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but sometimes I think I love Coco, too.
May
Posted on 4th May 2012
Back in the ’90s, when youth was on my side and it felt like anything was possible, I wanted to be a comic book artist and illustrator-type person. Then I got sidetracked by playing in rock bands, writing, and eventually going into comedy years later, and the whole drawing thing went right out the window. I still draw now (I did the drawings for the cover of my forthcoming book, for example. See? And you thought I was going to make it through this post without mentioning the whole book thing), but not nearly as much as I used to. A few days ago, I was rummaging around on my computer and found a scan of this comic I did for an art class I took years ago. The assignment was to tell a story about a recent dream I’d had. I showed it to a friend the other day and she said it was “very ’80s or ’90s”, which I guess it definitely. Even so, hopefully it has its moments. Oh, and I know I misspelled the word conspiratorial in there. It’s been eating at me for years and years. Anyway, I hope you get some sort of kick out of this on some level or another.
Happy Friday,
Dave Hill
Apr
Posted on 30th April 2012
Life. Will we ever truly understand it? Anyway, I forgot to post about this before, but there are two new episodes of my incredible podcast up and available for your listening pleasure and stuff, Ep. 37 with comedian/psychologist/superfox Nikki Walter and Ep. 38 with my secretary Shaina Feinberg. You can get them from iTunes or by going here. I hope you enjoy them so much. Also, I am trying to get back on track and release a new episode every week, so brace yourself. Or something.
Still street,
Apr
Posted on 27th April 2012
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but I have a book coming out, like, really, really soon (May 22). As you can probably imagine, I am alternately excited, nervous, borderline suicidal, and occasionally even aroused at finally reaching this milestone in my so-called life (You know, like the television program). I am not one of those “bucket list” people (You know, like the popular film), but if I were, I guess getting my own fancy hardcover book unleashed on the masses would be on there, which pretty much leaves getting one of those big, fluffy Newfoundland dogs as the only thing left that I would really like to see happen before I am dead and mostly gone. The rest is just gravy and- hopefully- sex.
I hope to have a Newfoundland update for you one of these years soon, but in the meantime, back to my book. A couple days ago, an actual copy of my book showed up at my house via short, mumbling messenger. After all that typing, screaming, crying, and arguing over what would end up on the cover (I ended up drawing that stuff!), it was pretty sweet to actually hold a copy of my real book, the exact same version I am hoping millions and millions of people will spend their cold hard cash on May 22 so that I might never have to troll the Port Authority restrooms for a quick buck again (Also, I’d be thrilled to be able to totally write another one, so there’s that).
As you can see from the photo above, my book is really classy. The cover has a tasteful matte finish except for the title and drawing, which both have a glossy thing going on that only serves to make the book even that much classier (so much, in fact, that I am hoping even women of a certain station will read it). I know- I can’t believe it either. Also, it’s a convenient size that you can throw in a backpack, messenger bag, purse, holster, or whatever and totally read it whenever you want. As best I can tell, you could probably bang it out on a round-trip flight from New York to Los Angeles (or some other flight that takes about that long- I’m not picky) or during a couple days spent in jail (I am factoring in interruptions here).
It is at this point that you are probably wondering whether my book is incredible or not. I’m glad you asked. Today, I happened to pick up the latest issue of Nylon magazine and- what do you know- they totally reviewed my book and basically said it is incredible. I have included a cell phone picture of the review above. I realize maybe I should have gone ahead and re-typed the whole thing and included it here, but that struck me as desperate for some reason. And as you can clearly see from this post and any others where I may or may not have mentioned my book Tasteful Nudes (out May 22), I am so not desperate it’s actually kind of weird. Oh yeah, you can pre-order my book here.
Happy Friday,
Dave Hill
Apr
Posted on 23rd April 2012
Mondays, am I right? It’s cold, damp, and gray in New York City today and- for the most part- so am I. I am coming down from an action-packed weekend of mostly just sitting there putting things (food, I mean. Get your mind out of the damn gutter!) into my mouth while doing my best to avoid assorted existential crises and get some important, important errands done while I was at it. Now it’s Monday and I am showing up for life again, which so far has consisted of mostly just sitting here some more and putting stuff into my mouth again (food, still), albeit healthier choices, you know, since it’s Monday (on the weekend, I live without rules. Ask anyone).
In addition to the jaw-dropping details above, I also spent part of this past weekend reading “Drinking at the Movies,” an excellent graphic memoir by Julia Wertz, who was kind enough to totally send me a copy in the mail to my house where I live. The book is about Julia’s first year in New York City after moving here from San Francisco and it is packed with great drawing and writing on every page. Julia also sent me her book “The Fart Party,” which I haven’t read yet but am excited to, you know, because it’s called “The Fart Party,” at title that pretty much fires on all cylinders.
In other news, in exactly four weeks and one day, my book that I won’t shut up about will be unleashed on the masses. As you can probably imagine, I am on the verge of a seizure in anticipation of this profound literary event. I got a great review on Booklist, the reputable resource of incredible book reviews, which is both calming me down a bit about things and also adding to my seizure potential. And, oh, what the heck, as long as I’m talking about it, here is the review right here:
“Comedian Hill trades in mock braggadocio, following each punch with a tickle. To wit, “Scar or not, I realize at this point in my book there’s probably no question in your mind as to whether or not I’m one of the biggest badasses that ever walked the face of the planet. (Author’s note: I am.).” Over the course of these 17 short autobiographical essays, the rhythm grows familiar enough that it could become cloying, but it doesn’t because Hill is just so funny, observant, and likable. Whether he’s riffing on adolescent affairs of the heart (“Loving You Is Easy Because You Live Pretty Close to My Parents’ House”), the thrill of playing Santa Claus (“Northeastern Ohio Velvet”), or his brush with rock ’n’ roll stardom (“Big in Japan”), Hill has a knack for hitting the high points, eliciting some laughs, and then offering a poignant twist that reminds the reader there’s no two-drink minimum. Essays about depression (“A Funny Feeling”) and his mother’s death (“Bunny”) treat their subjects humorously without being glib. Well worth a read.” —Keir Graff, Booklist
Wasn’t that nice? Yeah, I was pretty pumped about it too. And I swear I didn’t devise this entire blog post just so I could copy and paste that. I mean, sort of, but not really. I also wrote it so I could casually mention that you can read the first chapter of my book right here. I apologize for the lack of apostrophes. Not sure what that’s about, but someone somewhere is going to get a stern talking to about it very soon. That much I can tell you!
Okay, that about covers it for now. Time to put on some pants and tear the world a new one I guess.
Still crunk,
Dave Hill
Apr
Posted on 21st April 2012
Hi. How are you? Really great, I hope. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am on this week’s episode of CBC radio’s Wire Tap, the incredible program brought to you by the great Jonathan Goldstein. Jonathan was in NYC recently and I sat down and told him all about my exploits as a pedicab driver. You can get more info, including when and where it’s airing in your town and how you can also download it from iTunes, here. This is a great show already and now I am on it so don’t even get me started.
Thanks,
Dave Hill
