Apr
Posted on 29th April 2009
Attention Citizens of the Internet:
Hello. This is your man Dave Hill with a seriously important announcement. As some of you know, in addition to being a show business professional, I play in a rocking rock band called Valley Lodge. As you can probably imagine, we are incredible. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that our new album “Semester at Sea,” which is the critically acclaimed follow-up to our critically acclaimed self-titled debut, is now available like a motherf@#ker on iTunes, the popular Internet portal that has greatly aided in the destruction of the entire music industry. As most of the guys in the band will tell you, our new album is one of the greatest rock albums of all-time. It is the perfect album to listen to while driving, doing the dishes, and/or boning (if you can handle hearing my voice the whole time). I am told it is also good to listen to while running. Just ask Rosie Ruiz. Also, as a means of really doing a great job promoting our new album, I have created a music video for one of the songs on the album called “The Door.” Not surprisingly, I really nailed it. A word of caution- don’t watch this video at work unless you want your own office. Here it is:
Anyway, getting back to our new album. Wow. It is pretty much the album that makes the guys want to be us and the girls want to be with us, so much in fact that I am having trouble even typing this e-mail considering what some complete strangers are doing with my pants right now (Sheesh. Note to self: free wi-fi or not, stay away from Port Authority. Am I right or am I right?). And while our first album pretty much redefined the power pop genre, this new album takes a complete left turn into pop rock, which is wildly, wildly different. Seriously though, if you like Cheap Trick, T. Rex, the Kinks, Big Star, Slade, Matthew Sweet, and the Raspberries, you will probably want to come over our various houses and give us a big hug as soon as you hear our music. Then again, if you know and like all those bands I just mentioned, my research indicates that you are a fortysomething male who still lives with his parents. Thanks, dude, but a nice e-mail will do. Head to Kinko’s if you have to. Weirdly, however, super hot 22 year-old chicks who hate clothes and rules also seem to be into this kind of music I am finding. Go figure.
I realize you are probably thinking at this point that the purpose of this e-mail is to try to get you to buy our new album. You are mistaken. The purpose of this e-mail is to try to get you to buy both our first album and our new album. You don’t go sit in the front row of a movie theater to see “The Empire Strikes Back” if you’ve never heard of “Star Wars.” Unless, of course, you are a complete psychopath or me when I was a little kid and would do whatever my Aunt Betty told me (true story).
If you want the actual old-fashioned physical CD versions of our incredible albums, they are for sale all over the Internet. Google that sh*t. I can’t hold your hand every step of the way, grandpa!
Okay, that about covers it. Have a super day. Also, here is another groundbreaking music video I made in my spare time. If you like bulldogs and chimps, cancel whatever else you had planned on doing today:
Someone left a cake out in the rain,
Dave Hill
Apr
Posted on 28th April 2009
I happened upon this magazine at the Portland airport on my way home from the Bridgetown Comedy Festival the other day, which is great for me because I have been trying to figure out how to get “huge freakin’ arms” for some time now. I can’t decide whether I should get the sweet (and also kind of rapey) tattoos before I get all ripped or immediately after. If I ever get early ‘90s hot rod flames and/or rage epilepsy-telegraphing slogans tattooed on my arms, I really want to make it count. I suppose I could get my hair frosted at any point during the getting ripped process though. Maybe I should just get my hair frosted, get ripped, and get sweet tattoos in that order. And then maybe the King of the Douchebags and I can rule the world together! Actually, I bet the guy on the cover of this magazine is really nice and I am being an a-hole. What is wrong with me? Maybe I just need more cardio or something.
In other news, I took this photo out of the plane window on the way back from Portland. I don’t know what mountains these are and I couldn’t tell from the plane whether they were bunny slopes or big mountains where men with ice picks and spikey boots meet their death. Probably somewhere in between I imagine. Either way, I would probably end up dead in these mountains as I am not a very good skier and I have almost no ice pick skills to speak of. Someday, someday. Also, I should probably grow a beard.
And finally, here is a picture of my nephew Eamon’s snake. His name is Snakey, which is either the most genius or laziest name for a snake in the history of snakes that end up living in the bedroom of super cool dudes who still live with their parents. It is my understanding that Snakey is a corn snake. He was really small but I was still pretty sure he wanted nothing more in life than to kill me swiftly and with no remorse (which, historically, is pretty much how snakes do it). That’s just how it goes when you are a crazy motherf@#ker named Snakey I guess.
Apr
Posted on 23rd April 2009
Tonight I did this “How I Learned…” show at Happy Ending and it was super fun. The theme for the night was “How I Learned To Be Super Successful.” Here is what I wrote and then read to the people:
HOW I LEARNED TO BE SUPER SUCCESSFUL by me, Dave Hill
Success- will we ever really understand it? Probably not, but as long as we’re on the topic, it wouldn’t kill you to put on a pair of pants. I say this not to suggest that pants are by any means the sole key to success. In fact, depending on the situation, they are at times not even necessary. All of that having been said, however, please consider for a moment that virtually every success story of the past 300 years or so involves at least one or more men or women wearing a full-on pair of pants or- at the very least- some sensible slacks. Washington’s crossing of the Potomac? Pants. The Apollo space program? Pants. The invention and eventual introduction and subsequent rise of nougat as the #3 go-to ingredient in the entire bar-shaped candy industry? Pants. Even Einstein’s theory of relativity- something he pretty much would not shut up about- was reportedly hammered out while wearing a crude yet oddly fashion forward prototype of Dockers, the popular casual pant. And, to be fair, that nutjob could have worn anything.
The possible exception to this rule, of course, is Swedish tennis great Bjorn Borg, whose record-setting three consecutive years of winning both Wimbledon and the French Open between the years of 1978 and 1980 was a task accomplished almost entirely while wearing shorts and- as long as we’re on the topic- relatively skimpy, boner-enhancing ones at that. It is important to note here, however, that Borg- for the most part- vanished from the face of the earth just three short years later, which brings me to my next point- should you be one of those rare individuals for whom success is attainable in the absence of full legwear, enjoy it while it lasts, because the years ahead will be dark and lonely ones, whether you’ve got an awesome headband or not.
It is at this point that you’re probably wondering what kind of pants are recommended to be super successful. The answer here is simple- tight ones. And in the event that tight pants aren’t readily available, really tight ones. Should neither tight nor really tight pants be immediately available, however, I suggest just waiting the whole thing out or- in the event that waiting it out simply isn’t an option- go with jodhpurs, a pant that says that you are the kind of person who might jump on the back of a horse at any given moment, which is to say you are the kind of person who is not to be messed with, unless of course you are a rodeo clown, in which case being messed with is pretty much guaranteed as soon as you leave the house and probably until you get back home later that night. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s that people are total dicks to rodeo clowns. In my experience, however, rodeo clowns tend to wear overalls or ill-fitting chaps of some sort, so I’m not really sure why you brought them up in the first place. What the hell is wrong with you? Stay focused.
Of course, as important as getting yourself sorted out from the waist down is to being super successful, it is really only 90 to 95% of the battle. That last five-to-ten per cent of your fate rests squarely upon the shoulders of laughing, skipping, dreaming, and loving in equal measure and also having at least one full-on knife fight during your short time here on earth. Pay close attention to that last part. Handgun shootouts, crossbow duels, and Taser-offs are all coward’s games. But a full-on knife fight lets the world know that you are willing to do pretty much anything for love, money, or pills, even if you end up ruining a perfectly good outfit in the process. The important thing here, also, is to win the knife fight or at least not lose so badly as to be dead at its conclusion. I can think of almost nothing that will stand in the way of achieving your goals more than being killed in a knife fight, unless, of course, your goal is to make the local newspaper, in which case getting killed in a knife fight seems as good a plan as any.
Assuming you survive the knife fight, however, it is very important to continue on immediately afterwards to the nearest bar and/or drinking establishment and get as drunk as possible. Once you have accomplished this, you should then head to the nearest bus station and strike up random conversations out front with anyone who will stop long enough to listen and maybe even a couple people who aren’t even there at all. Whether or not you are wearing pants at this point is entirely up to you. But don’t get too wrapped up in the conversation part though as at this point you must keep your eyes and ears open for when the prettiest girl in town drives by while sitting in the passenger seat of her father’s car. Both she and her father will stare at you for a moment as they roll by. Her father will wrinkle his face and shake his head in disapproval. And then the prettiest girl in town will look back at you one last time before turning to her father and saying, “I don’t care what you say, daddy. I love him. I just love him.”
The rest is up to you.
Dave Hill
Apr
Posted on 22nd April 2009
I apologize in advance for the continued shameless self-promotion, but my hot rock band Valley Lodge, just got another great review of our new album “Semester at Sea” right here at Absolute Powerpop, the same site that called our 2005 self-titled debut one of the top 5 power pop albums of all-time. You can buy either album at CDBaby.com or Notlame.com or KoolKatMusik.com. The first album is on iTunes now and “Semester at Sea” will be real soon. I’m not saying you should buy it or anything. See what I care! Okay, I am done speaking on this matter for today.
Dave Hill
Apr
Posted on 21st April 2009
My friend Tim sent me this today. I don’t know much about Colitis or Crohn’s Disease, but I can certainly relate to finding myself desperately in need of finding a bathroom before I completely soil myself. I think they need to add a third category for people who don’t necessarily have a disease or anything but just like to live life to its fullest, like me. One time, I was in such a rush for a bathroom that I crashed my car into a tree on my sister’s front lawn trying to get inside quickly enough. I screwed up the bumper and chipped the bark a little but I didn’t have to do any extra laundry that day. Crisis averted.
Another time, I had to pull over and leave the car idling on the street as I ran into what I thought was a wooded area. I pushed my way through the branches to a clearing, dropped my pants, and let nature take its course. When my business was done, I looked up to discover a man in a recliner watching TV in his den just a few yards away. I was in his backyard. Oops. I hope he planted roses that year. The cops were on their way before I even got back to my car.
Anyway, kudos to the people of the United Kingdom for coming up with this genius plan. Imagine how many sad and smelly walks home will be avoided in the process. Then again, I imagine by the time you take out this card, show it to the business owner, and make your case, you will have completely shit your pants. Either way, he or she will remember you.
Dave Hill
Apr
Posted on 20th April 2009
It’s raining so much today, which made me think of this dog that I saw the last time it rained a whole bunch (which is just a few days ago). He was being walked by a really pretty lady and he was wearing this really great raincoat with plaid lining (nice touch) and he also had these awesome blue rain shoes on. I’m guessing if he is headed anywhere today it will be in a similarly awesome outfit.
Right, after I saw him hanging out, he started sniffing another dog’s balls. As you can probably imagine, I got a big kick out of that too even though I am a grown man and you’d think that sort of thing would no longer be a source of very real entertainment for me.
Speaking of rain, here is an incredible song by my rock band Valley Lodge called “When the Rain Comes” from out hot new album “Semester at Sea” that you can download for free (See how I did that?). It is appropriate for the weather because it mentions rain. It’s right there in the title.
Apr
Posted on 18th April 2009
Today, I saw this ad for Annie Chun’s Soup Bowl in a store window. It looked pretty delicious until I noticed that that the soup in the bowl had clearly been Photoshopped! Take a look for yourself. I’m calling bullshit! Nice try Annie Chun, but I won’t be partaking of your bowl of lies anytime soon! You should be ashamed of yourself!
UPATE:
Actually, the girl on the box is pretty hot so I ended up buying five boxes in the end. Not bad!
Apr
Posted on 16th April 2009
Today I stopped by the headquarters of showbiz legend and good friend Joe Franklin, one of the coolest guys I know. As usual, Joe was sitting at his desk, looking sharp, and taking care of business. Joe did the first and longest-running TV talk show and about 500 other awesome things. At age 82, he’s still kicking ass today with his own radio show. He is the king.
Apr
Posted on 16th April 2009
Hi there. If you are on Facebook, please join my new Korean Hipster Grifter Fan Club now! There is a competing Facebook fan club and they are trash talking me, calling me a “struggling unfunny comedian” (I admit it- the truth is really killing me. I don’t want people to find out the truth about me)! We must mobilize and crush them! Join now right here. The future depends on it!
Apr
Posted on 16th April 2009
This is SO embarrassing. Yesterday, I was walking around my apartment in a towel and it fell off just as I was about to do a brand new video blog (which is also known as a vlog, FYI). And then I accidentally uploaded it to YouTube and now it’s on the Internet for the whole world to see! I am completely mortified! OMG! This is the worst day of my life!
