Mar
Posted on 30th March 2010
Attention People of Los Angeles:
Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to you to let you know that this Thursday, April 1 at 9:30pm, I will be breaking out my brand new nightclub act/monologue/rock assault “Big in Japan,” the story of one man’s (me, Dave Hill, from before) undying will to rock, at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there at 3919 Franklin Avenue in Hollywood, Home of the Stars. If you have ever wanted to hear me speak publicly about my gigantic celebrity in Japan while also breaking out some face-melting guitar riffs on your ass, you have just hit a street called Easy because that is pretty much what goes on for a like a whole hour straight at this show. “Big in Japan” is the show that critics are already calling “a triumph of the human spirit,” “thrilling,” and “pretty much guaranteed to get Dave Hill a reasonable amount of intercourse free of charge.” So there. Please join me for this rare West Coast performance of it before I go back home, do some laundry, and then go perform it like a motherf@#ker to the people of the United Kingdom for like a seriously long time this summer. It only costs five bucks and you will not get hit with anything. Also, I am going to buy everyone a Sea Breeze at the bar next door afterwards. Everyone likes those. Anyway, I really hope you can make it. You can get tickets right here. And if you need any more convincing of what a lovely time you will have at my show, here is a lovely review of one of my recent London performances of “Big in Japan.”
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 28th March 2010
The popular newspaper the New York Times has a new feature (I think it’s new anyway) called “Sunday Routine” in which they write about what New Yorkers do on Sundays. Today’s “Sunday Routine” features Moby, the popular musician and man-about-town. My friend Phil Costello and Moby joined forces to form a rock band recently and then my friend and drummer Tomato (from the rock band Sound of Urchin) joined up with them to complete the rock attack. I play bass mostly and then also bring some guitar heat. We are called Diamondsnake and- as you can probably imagine- we are incredible. That is a photo of us perfecting our craft above. We are headlining the Highline Ballroom on June 17th. Get ready to have your asses handed to you.
In other news, the NY Post did comedy feature in which 40 comedians tell their own favorite jokes of this year (so far). You can see that here.
Mar
Posted on 27th March 2010
Hello there. Since I am a famous actor, I recently decided to make an appearance in a very funny video written by my friend Jena Friedman and directed by my friend Anthony Fisher. I hope you enjoy it so much.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 25th March 2010
Attention People of New York City:
Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to remind you one last time that TONIGHT, which is to say Thursday, March 25 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea, I am once again doing the impossible (for most people except for me) in the form of my world-renowned, critically-acclaimed, and seriously great in general nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion, the show critics are already calling “about an hour long” and “in a basement.” I can’t really go into too much more detail right now because the doctors are about to take off all the bandages now and I am pretty excited to see the new me. Anyway, I really hope you can make it tonight. My guests will be the lovely and talented Chris March from “Project Runway” and other stuff and also the mysterious and belligerent Claywoman. Plus, the bearded and creepy Phil will be there along with the non-bearded yet still creepy in his own way Carl Arnheiter. Martha Wainwright had to cancel because I didn’t like the outfit she was planning on wearing on the show. Sorry about that. Rules are rules. Anyway, you can get tickets right here please.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 22nd March 2010
As you can probably imagine, it has been a just plain electric past few days or so. On Friday, I traveled all the way down to scenic Philadelphia to take part in the Used Wigs Live show at World Cafe Live and had a lovely time performing and then sitting there drinking stuff while I watched the show. A particular highlight was meeting Crazy Aaron, a mad scientist of sorts who did an experiment involving a variety of chemicals that cause an awesome and seemingly harmless explosion he called “Elephant Toothpaste.” I can’t even get into it right now, but- needless to say- after the show I cornered Crazy Aaron and talked him into teaching me how to make that cool explosion he just made. He even gave me all the chemicals to do it. If my apartment gets raided, I’ll have a lot of explaining to do, but in the meantime I am having a seriously great time over here. Oh, and that picture above is of Used Wigs man Todd Marrone dressed for success before the show. He smelled better than he looks.
The mayhem continued on Saturday as I hightailed it back to New York City to go see the Allman Brothers play their last night in a run of shows at the United Palace Theater. Since I love the Allman Brothers, I was pretty excited about it and the band delivered big time by handing my ass to me via their awesome rock songs for over three hours straight. I went to the show with my bro-in-law Nick. Beforehand, we ate the f@#k out of some Salvadoran food down the street from the theater and then drank a bunch of beer and pretty much got ourselves primed to rock. We got to watch the show from the side of the stage, which was sweet, but then we decided to go out front so we could appreciate the rock heat front and center. My favorite part was all the awesome guitar playing from Warren Haynes and Derek Trucks. They made me want to go practice. The only downside of the night was that I lost my glasses. Please let me know if you find them.
On Sunday, the fun continued as I got to do the monologues at Assscat at the UCB Theatre. I was pretty wiped out from having my ass handed to me by the Allman Brothers the night before, but hopefully I did okay. No one threw anything at my head, so I am taking it as a win. Also, I got free pizza. Everything goes better with free pizza. Ask anyone.
In other news, a couple weeks ago I wrote a song called “Tough Guy” after reading the phrase “tough guy” in an e-mail. I even recorded it hastily. You can check it out right here. I mean, hey, why not?
Mar
Posted on 19th March 2010
Attention People of New York City:
Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that this Thursday, March 25 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea, I will bringing the heat in its various forms in the overall form of my world-famous nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion aka the show most motherf@#kers can’t handle or something. Whether you are into good times all the time or you would simply like to get your ass handed to you by America’s #1 Sweetheart (me, Dave Hill, mentioned earlier), this night is pretty much meant for you because all that stuff will totally happen x50 or something. As I sit here in my tastefully decorated apartment that I pay for with a combination of my own money and a generous grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, I am stunned by the amount of incredibleness I have cooked up for this show pretty much without even trying. Also, I smell smoke. Do you smell smoke? Sometimes I just get so tired, Danny. Does that ever happen to you? Anyway, I really hope you can make it to my show on Thursday night as it will be seriously good. Aside from all the usual awesome stuff I get up to, I have worked out this new trick with one quart of rubber cement, one palate of sheet rock, a gallon of kerosene, an old bowling pin, a bunsen burner, a roll of duct tape, an electric fan, one mouse trap, four live raccoons, Gene Shalit, six ordinary Lance Armstrong bracelets, and a pair of roller skates that is pretty much guaranteed to be all over NY1 by Friday morning. Also, I am going to have some really great guests on my show, including but not limited to the lovely and talented songstress Martha Wainwright; “Project Runway” star, author, and Meryl Streep Oscar dress designer Chris March; the elusive Claywoman; and more. And, of course, my mysterious sidebitch Phil will be there in all his creepy, house arrest-violating glory. Also, there will be unlimited Sea Breezes available at the UCB bar courtesy of yours truly (me). It would almost be weird if you didn’t at least try to come to this show. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? I didn’t want to say anything but I can only go for so long watching you destroy yourself while remaining silent about it. You’re not just hurting yourself you know. Now you get out there and live! You can get tickets right here.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 18th March 2010
Hi. Do you live in the Philadelphia area and also like good times all the time? Well, if so, you should totally come to the Used Wigs Live ’10 show tomorrow night, which is to say Friday, March 19 at 8pm, for a super night of entertainment that includes the incredible Used Wigs guys, the musical ensemble Audible, Philly news attractive person Nicole Brewer, and a cavalcade of other curiosities, including me, Dave Hill, performing for up to but no longer than 30 minutes straight, which will be really great for everybody. This is all going to happen at World Cafe Live, which is a place in Philadelphia. Anyway, I really hope you can make it as it is going to be pretty much the best thing to happen to Philadelphia since hockey great Bobby Clarke and also that cool bell. See you there, dammit.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 16th March 2010
It is Tuesday and I am slowly digging myself out of a metaphysical sludge pile and trying to focus on world domination once again. What is really helping me is a story that my friend John told me the other day. It goes something like this:
A young man with Down’s Syndrome who was functioning highly enough to be living on his own called his mother to inform her that he had captured a troll in his apartment and that she should come over immediately to see it. As is usually the case when someone tells you they have captured a troll, the mother dismissed the story as being a product of her son’s vivid imagination.
Another day went by and the son called his mother again and asked her to come over and see the troll. Again she ignored him.
Finally, the next day or so, the mother decided to swing by her son’s house for a visit. The place was trashed. The mother asked what happened and her son explained that the troll did it. Then he offered to show his mother the troll. This time she accepted his invitation. The son then led his mother to his bedroom closet, which had been barricaded with furniture, and revealed the troll trapped inside. The troll turned out to be a severely pissed off little person (or “dwarf” as they are known in some circles). Apparently, he was a Jehovah’s Witness going door to door when he showed up at the home of the Down’s Syndrome-afflicted young man. The young man- apparently never having seen a little person before- somehow assumed he was a troll and- as is usually the case when one happens upon a troll- decided to capture him. You really can’t blame him. I would have done the same thing in his shoes.
Being a Jehovah’s Witness and all, the troll did not want to press charges or anything and went on his way, probably vowing never to knock on that particular door again. I realize this story has an urban legend vibe to it (It has been suggested here), but I am hoping more than anything that this is true. I really need this right now.
Mar
Posted on 12th March 2010
Recenty, my friend Shaina Feinberg and I composed an incredible song about intercourse called “Here’s to Intercourse” for the inaugural Talent Show Brand Variety Show show featuring Ira Glass, John Hodgman, Mike Birbiglia, Elna Baker, Lucy Wainwright Roche, Henrietta Mantooth, Luke Bergamini, and Bambi (the band), Alex Stone, and- as mentioned earlier- me and Shaina. As you can probably imagine, it was a real pants-soaking night. You can listen to me and Shaina sing out hearts out here. I hope you enjoy it so much. It pretty much has everything.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 11th March 2010
Against all odds, I have just returned home from a cruise. I guess the returning part wasn’t against all odds, but just the going on a cruise in general part. You never think you are the kind of guy who would go on a cruise and then it happens and next thing you know you are totally the kind of guy who goes on a cruise. Anyway, here’s what happened…
My buddy Hal Sparks was going on something called the Progressive Voices cruise as one of the speakers along with Rachel Maddow, Ron Reagan, David Bender, Lizz Winstead, Pete McCloskey, Cary Harrison, and several other wonderful folks. I was invited along to provide some positive vibes, an air of menace, and exquisite table manners. And I also got to do standup on the top floor of the boat, which was really wobbly and stuff but I didn’t throw up or anything until later.
As part of all of the above, there were lots of interesting panels and discussions, etc. featuring people whose brains I am jealous of and lovely dinners where I got to order whatever I wanted and no one could stop me. One night I even grabbed this one lady’s shrimp cocktail out of her hand and ate it right in front of her because I am a Z-list celebrity. What could she do? That’s right- nothing. In an unrelated incident, I was also covered in algae and electrically shocked for an hour straight. You never see that sort of thing coming.
Aside from all the stuff that happened on the boat, I got to go to the popular country of Mexico a little, specifically Mazatlan for breakfast and lunch one day and then Puerto Vallarta for breakfast the day after that before I had to head back to New York City to focus on taking the world and also doing laundry. Generally speaking, Mexico was Mexcellent. I’d like to go back sometime and see some of the towns not featured on most episodes of “Love Boat,” though those were really great too.
Now I am back on dry land. I still feel the boat rocking back and forth even though I am just sitting here in my apartment with no pants on. I wonder how long it will take for that to go away, the rocking part I mean. Or maybe I just need to get back out on the water. The sea- she is a cruel mistress but I just can’t stay mad at her.
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