Sep
Posted on 10th September 2009
Attention People of New York City:
Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that next Thursday, Sept. 17 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea, I will be ending what critics are already calling a “three-month break” and once again breaking out another installment of my incredible nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion. As you can probably imagine, I and a lot of other people are really excited about it, especially the critics, who are already calling it “a perfectly reasonable way to spend a Thursday evening, especially if you are on a budget and/or have already seen both Wicked and the Color Purple and would just rather not be alone right now, especially after everything that’s happened.” But let’s talk about that date, September 17, for a second. Microbiology buffs will no doubt recognize it as the very date in 1683 that scientist Antonie van Leeuwenhoek wrote a crazy ass letter to the Royal Society describing “animalcules”, the first known description of protozoa. And, of course, football fans will no doubt recognize it as the date in 1920 that the National Football League was founded in Canton, Ohio. Duh. Anyway, in honor of both of things I will be preceding my show by marching down Fifth Avenue starting at 57th Street starting at noon that day while dancing a sexy dance I like to call “The Funky Protozoa” and dressed exactly like football great Fran Tarkenton (it’s mostly in the hair and the blazer). And then I’ll do the show, which will consist of all sorts of really great things I have cooked up in my spare time, including but not limited to this one thing I can’t get into right now that involves a blowtorch, a can of ordinary lighter fluid, a hair dryer, bacon strips, a bag of human hair, a milk crate (metal this time), a volunteer from the audience, and the fire department. You won’t believe it. As if all of that is not enough, I will be joined on my show by such incredible guests as comedian, actor, radio host, and so much more Janeane Garofalo; costume designer and Project Runway favorite Chris March; legendary emo-rockers Bronte’s Inferno; and a special surprise thingy that I can’t tell you because it’s a surprising surprise. And, of course, my sidebitch Phil will be there in all his mysterious, creepy, and exceptionally bearded glory. All of this for just five dollars. I know- it’s like I’m Mother Theresa or something only with much better outfits and a lot less whining. Anyway, I really hope you can make it. The odds of anything going wrong in that crowded and cramped little basement aren’t very good at all. You can get tickets right here.
Love,
Dave Hill
Sep
Posted on 9th September 2009
Yesterday, I went shopping at my local grocery/deli type store on the corner and saw this little kitty cat shopping at the same time I was. A lot of people think kitty cats pretty much never go shopping, but this photo pokes a big hole in that theory. Believe me- I was just as surprised as anyone to see it all happening, so I decided to watch the kitty cat myself to see just what sort of things a kitty cat shops for when it’s out running errands like a person.
As it turned out the kitty cat pretty much couldn’t find a single that it seemed to be looking for. It sat and stared for a while at the beer cooler, which I thought was really funny because everyone knows kitty cats don’t drink beer (unless they are party kitty cats, of course! Ha ha!). The milk cooler was right next to the beer cooler, but this particular kitty cat did not seem to have any interest in that whatsoever. Go figure. I guess I don’t tend to shop for bullshit I’ve already got at home either. Hey- we’re not so different after all! I love kitty cats!
After staring at the beer cooler for a little bit, the kitty cat wandered down the cracker and cookie aisle, but still seemed to find nothing that interested him/her (did not get a good look at the crotch to make any clear gender determination. You’d think kitty cats would accessorize or something and make my job a little easier in that department, but no- it always come down to getting right up in there, pushing the fur aside and giving my medical opinion).
Once the kitty cat got to the end of the cracker and cookie aisle, it just sort of lied down on the floor for a few seconds. It is at this point that I approached it and it rolled over and exposed its belly to me, something almost no one ever does to me at grocery stores during daytime hours. I’m not sure what the hell kind of message the kitty cat was trying to send me, but I refused to take the bait. Get me down on the ground, claw my eyes out! Yeah, no thanks, kitty cat! I’m not stupid!
After nearly maiming me, the kitty cat got back up and headed for the end- of-aisle chip display. Here it just sat there and stared for a second before discovering a box of snack-sized Combos at the bottom of the display and briefly batting around one package that appeared to already be hanging halfway out of the box (pepperoni-flavored, I think).
Once the kitty cat grew bored with the Combos (like the rest of America! Fuck you, Combos!), it transitioned into a sitting position and just sort of looked around- seemingly at nothing in particular- and then collapsed on the ground and quickly fell asleep before- seconds later- being awakened by the sandwich guy yelling to somebody about something sandwich-related. This caused the kitty cat to suddenly sit upright, look around again for a second, and then start staring directly at me with a look of death I have almost never seen in the eyes of an otherwise domesticated animal before. It is at this point that I decided to pay for my yogurt and get the hell out of there so I didn’t have to type this from a goddamn hospital bed using a pencil that’s sticking out of my mouth while some woman I just met tries to teach me to relearn how to pee. No thanks, kitty cat!
In other news, this past weekend I went to a Chinese restaurant to eat some Chinese food (duh!). It was here that I witnessed the world’s largest fish dump, which was being taken by one of the fish in the fish tank near up where the cashier lady sits. Despite the fact that the fish was taking a crap easily twice the length of the its entire body, none of the other fish seemed to notice aside from this one fish who kept swimming right up to the shit rope and sort of staring at it for a few seconds with a look on its face that seemed to say “Should I or shouldn’t I? Should I or shouldn’t I?” More as this story develops.
Sep
Posted on 4th September 2009
Sep
Posted on 2nd September 2009
Dear Hugh Jackman,
You were in the hit movie “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” the popular film that- as hinted at in the title- chronicles the origins of your popular X-Men character Wolverine, which is awesome. They put you underwater in that movie and were total dicks about it, but you won in the end. According to my extensive and thorough research on you, Hugh Jackman, you are also going to be in the soon-to-be hit movie “Wolverine 2” (full title “X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2), which I am pretty sure is going to be just as awesome if not even more awesome than the first “Wolverine” movie (as if that is even possible). You were also in the films “Van Helsing” and “Making the Grade” and plus a lot of other movies besides those. I could go on, but I won’t.
I realize you already know all of the things in the first paragraph. You are not stupid. I mention these things only to demonstrate that this is the kind of Hugh Jackman knowledge I am able to break out on people- even you, Hugh Jackman- without even trying. This is because I am what I and a lot of other people consider to be the foremost authority in North America on all things Jackman. You might even say I have a serious case of Jackmania, which is a funny joke I made up about my enthusiasm for you, Hugh Jackman. Sometimes I will make this joke to friends and they will get a big kick out of it because they know how much I like Hugh Jackman (you).
I suppose at this point you are assuming that this is just another Hugh Jackman fan letter from just another Hugh Jackman fan. However, you would be beyond wrong about this. I do not blame you for this though. You are Hugh Jackman. I’m sure you get letters from all sorts of nutjobs all the time (Ha! I can only imagine!). Anyway, I think it’s pretty safe to say that we are both extremely relieved that I am not one of those quacks or “Jackquacks” (alternately “Jackoffs”) as I like to call them in my Hugh Jackman newsgroup (slogan “Jackman is spoken here”). I will say, however, that I am without a doubt your greatest admirer and have been ever since I got Jacked® for the very first time after watching “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, the movie I was talking about earlier.
As we are both extremely busy men, I will not waste any of your time today and get right down to brass tacks (or perhaps I should say “Jack-tacks”! There I go with the jokes again). Recently I formed and appointed myself president of an organization called the Jackmen, a non-profit organization devoted to raising awareness of you, Hugh Jackman, in North America (with the exception of the Canadian province of Alberta. Fuck them). Please do not be alarmed by the name- membership in the organization remains open to both men and women. We are not exclusive (which is not to say that we let just anyone into our group- it’s just that we are not a pack of whackos like a lot of the other Jackman-based organizations out there today and I want to be clear on that. We don’t need another Paramus on our hands).
My question: would you be willing to donate any of your personal items to our organization for our upcoming fundraising auction? As you can probably imagine, running a group like ours is not cheap (far from it). Just the Wolverine jackets alone (required at official functions, optional but recommended at non-official functions) cost upwards of $300 (Yes, they make cheaper ones but we refuse to insult you by wearing those. Sorry, we’re not assholes). Being a Jackman-based group and all- we feel that Jackman-based items will undoubtedly be of greater interest than non-Jackman-based items at our auction, which is why I come to you, Hugh Jackman, with this matter. Please let me know what you think of all this when you get a chance. Literally any of your personal items will do because you are Hugh Jackman. However, please keep in mind that we already have a lot of the kind of stuff that you have thrown out with your garbage and/or left behind in any number of the places you have been.
In the interest of brevity, I will sign off for now. However, please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions.
Your Hugh-gest admirer,
Dave Hill
P.S.
Sometimes I stare at your name for so long it no longer makes any sense. Does that ever happen to you? Probably not, because you are Hugh Jackman.
Sep
Posted on 1st September 2009
As most people know, I am pretty much the Barbara Walters of heavy metal. Recently, I interviewed the popular hard rock band Slipknot for the popular premium cable television channel Cinemax, Home of the Stars. As you can probably imagine, it was pretty incredible for everyone involved. They were really nice guys and smelled really great. And I am a delight to be around. It was what some people call a “win-win.” Here is the interview in three incredible parts. I hope you enjoy it so much.
Dave Hill
