Apr
Posted on 2nd April 2012
Here is something nice. Remember how I made the most incredible music video for a book of all-time? Okay, great. Well, anyway, the delightful Helen A.S. Popkin wrote a lovely piece about it for the Today Show website, calling my book trailer music video the “Best music video for a book you will ever see. Ever.” You can read the whole thing right here. You can watch the video there too. Oh, and you can pre-order my book here, you know, if you want (HINT: Yes, you do).
Still street,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 30th March 2012
Recently, I checked out an art exhibit based on dirt, detritus, and whatnot called “Swept Away” over there at the reputable Museum of Arts and Design here in New York City with Henry Alford from public radio’s Studio 360 program. A good time was had by all and we didn’t even get kicked out once we calmed the security guard down and stuff. Listen this weekend or listen right now by clicking here and then, you know, just sitting there and listening. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to go to an art museum with me then, well, here you go.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 27th March 2012
Here’s something nice. I was just sitting here in my apartment, minding my own business mostly, when there was a weird buzzing sound that turned out to be my buzzer, which in turn signified that some guy was trying to deliver a package of some sort to me. I wasn’t expecting a package, so naturally my first inclination was to pepper spray him, which engraged him. It all worked out though, because after the burning went away, he delivered a mysterious package to me which turned out to contain the jacket for my book, which you can totally see in the photo above (that’s my hand holding it). I am really excited about how it turned out. It’s colorful and maybe even a little bit classy. Soon, there will be actual copies of the book. And then on May 22, people can actually buy and read the book (or they can pre-order before then, which is fine too). I guess what I really wanted to say is “Look at my cool book cover. I’m excited about it. Yeah!” Okay, that about covers it for now.
Still street,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 26th March 2012
Fucked again. Just when I thought the cracker industry was done making my life a living hell, I’ve just returned from the grocery store, where I was disturbed to find that the Nabisco people have gone and decided- without warning, mind you- to make their popular Original Premium saltine crackers in round form instead of the popular square shape that I and about 700 billion other people had been doing just fine with for pretty much as long as I can remember. I’m really not sure where to start with this one. First off, how are these “saltines” still “original” and “premium” if this is apparently an entirely new cracker that has gone out of its way to tell me to go fuck myself right there on the box? Riddle me that, Nabisco dicks. Secondly, it says on the box that these new bullshitty round crackers have the “same great premium taste” as the old awesome square crackers even though they totally don’t and now everything is ruined. Instead of enjoying a delicious salty square cracker that I could easily put in soup or something but choose not to, I am sitting here like some kind of asshole eating a round sucky cracker that tastes totally different and now my life is a fucking mess. Why don’t the Nabisco people all pile into a van, drive over to my house, and fuck me in the face while they are at it? Also, I tried to spread some cheese onto these new round sucky crackers the exact same way I would have with the old, much better square crackers I am used to and the knife slipped off the cracker and plunged deep into my leg, severing all sorts of important veins and ruining my pantsuit in the process. Now I am bleeding everywhere and soon to be dead. My carpet is getting stained too and good luck getting all that blood out unless you are some kind of goddamn miracle worker. I probably won’t even get my deposit on this place back after everything that’s happened. This whole thing is basically fucked and I am tired of it.
Adding insult to injury in this cracker-based debacle is the fact that pretty much every other time I tried to buy the regular square saltines that everyone everywhere loves at the grocery store near my house, they were totally out (because- duh- everyone, even small children and pets, loves the original square saltine cracker and they are extremely hard to keep in stock no matter how hard you try, assholes). Needless to say, there was a seemingly endless supply of these new bullshitty round saltine crackers that nobody wants made by those cockteases at Nabisco. I could have bought like forty boxes of them if I wanted to. Instead, I bought just the one, thinking “Oh well, I guess the Nabisco people know what they’re doing. They are cracker professionals. Why don’t I give these new “crackers” a try? The odds of me accidentally stabbing myself as a result of eating these crackers probably aren’t very good at all.” The joke’s on me, though, as I sit here bleeding profusely, growing dizzy, and struggling to get my money’s worth (overpriced too) out of this basically fucked box of crackers I seriously doubt I will live long enough to even come close to finishing. I’m surprised the box didn’t come with a complimentary kick in the nuts or a free six-pack of Crystal Pepsi while they were at it. They might as well have written right there on the box something like “Dear Dave Hill- Thank you for your loyal cracker patronage all these years. As a special thank you, we would like to tell you to suck our balls and eat an entire box of our new round bullshitty saltines while you are doing it.” Yeah, right, Nabisco- like that’s even possible. Fucking dicks.
This consumer report has been brought to you by me, Dave Hill, a guy who has basically had it.
Whatever,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 22nd March 2012
Good afternoon. Before the Internet explodes, I wanted to mention a couple things to you quickly. First off, I wanted to tell you that TONIGHT at midnight (EST, I believe) I will be on the popular “Hoppus on Music” program on the Fuse channel talking about music and Mexican drug lords and looking incredible as always as I sit there with host and Blink-182 bassist Mark Hoppus, who also looks really great. You should totally watch it.
In other news, this past Tuesday night, I did my first ever public reading from my forthcoming soon-to-be bestseller Tasteful Nudes over there at Housing Works as part of the Slaughterhouse 90210 third anniversary blowout. I was super nervous as I had never read anything from my book anywhere else besides my apartment and in my brain. I thought maybe I would get pelted with things but instead it went well and there were even snacks. That is a picture of me totally reading from my book above. For a full recap of the night, click here.
Thank you so much,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 21st March 2012
Attention People of New York City:
Must type fast because the lady says I am not allowed to use the computer at the library anymore after what happened even though they can’t prove anything. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you one last time that TOMORROW, which is to say Thursday, March 22 at 9:30pm, I will be walking out on stage at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in scenic Chelsea and bringing the heat once more in the form of my critically-acclaimed and seriously-incredible-and-you-can-ask-anyone nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion. As many of you who have been following my career from the very beginning are well aware, this is my first Explosion in a seriously long time and- as a result of this and other contributing factors- I will be breaking out so much incredible new stuff you will probably have a seizure or- at the very least- cause your loved ones to become deeply concerned for your well-being and hair. In short, I am bringing my snow machine and some other stuff that most people can’t even handle too, basically whatever I can fit into my bag. As if all of that is not enough, I will be joined TOMORROW by show business professional Jon Benjamin, whom you no doubt know from his work on the popular programs “Bob’s Burgers”, “Archer”, and many more, and also incredible singer/songwriter/author/person Suzzy Roche, whom you no doubt know from the Roches and she also totally wrote a book called Wayward Saints too, which rules. And of course, I will also be joined TOMORROW by my sidebitch Phil and the Minister of Foam and Other Stuff Mr. Carl Arnheiter from parts unknown. Also, I will make out with you and come over to your house if you want. Okay, great- see you TOMORROW. You can get tickets right here.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 21st March 2012
Recently, I was asked by the editors of Rookie Magazine (which is basically the greatest magazine for teenage girls ever and also probably the greatest magazine of all-time anyway so there) to do their “Ask a Grown Man” thingy in which a grown man (in this case, me) answers questions sent in by Rookie Magazine readers, who are totally teenage girls and also maybe the occasional weirdo pretending to be a teenage girl in his spare time. I can’t imagine any teenage girl would have taken any advice from me when I was a teenage boy, but now that I am totally a grown man I am hoping they listen and listen good. You can watch the whole thing above or go the extra mile and read all the stuff that goes along with the video and then watch the video too by clicking here, which is what I would do if I were you. Also, I am a grown man.
Still street,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 20th March 2012
Hi. It’s Dave again. Recently (though for the life of me I can’t remember when), I sat down with Topman comedy editor and known prick Harry Deansway for an interview. I can’t remember if he was interviewing me or it was the other way around, but either way now it’s a thing on the Internet for people to read in their spare time. You can and should read the whole thing right here. I hope you enjoy it so much. And how about this weather? People need to stop it with all the hairspray already. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right?
Your man,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 18th March 2012
This past weekend, when I was just minding my own business really, I noticed this amazing, touching, and just a little bit creepy tweet from hilarious writer, comedian, actor, and man-about-town Ted Travelstead. “This is NOT a paid advertisement. @mrdavehill book changed my life! I FEEL SO FREE! http://twitpic.com/8xr2r4 Preorder now! http://amzn.to/yW7Glc“, Ted so nicely wrote. I love Ted’s work, am extremely impressed by his beard, and find him to be a delightful gentleman in person, so I was thrilled that he wrote such a nice thing about my book on Twitter, the popular microblogging site. Since I was slightly hammered and checking Twitter on my phone in the back of a cab at the time, though, I somehow missed the photo he attached (and I posted above so you get fired from your job if you happen to be viewing this at work) the first time around. A few minutes later, however, I revisited his tweet and noticed the above image that I shall now be forever unable to erase from my memory. Needless to say, I am touched, slightly overwhelmed, and perhaps even a bit concerned by Ted’s wonderful gesture. I encourage you to download this photo of Ted with my book covering his downtown real estate and make it your new desktop wallpaper today. In fact, it would be weird not to. Oh, and if you feel like buying my book, stripping naked, lathering yourself up, and covering your crotch with it, I certainly won’t stop you. Ted and I both thank you in advance. For more scantily clad hilarity from Ted, click here. Ted doesn’t shame the body and I salute that.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 16th March 2012
Hi. As many of you are well aware, I can’t stop rocking. And now, in addition to my other rock exploits, I am playing guitar with my friend Phil in his new project PCP (Phil Costello Project). Phil is one of the most rocking dudes of all-time and one of the best musicians and songwriters I’ve ever known. He’s been the brains and balls behind countless bands, including but not limited to Children of the Unicorn, Diamondsnake, Tragedy, and Satanicide. With PCP, Phil will bringing the heat for an evening of a bunch the best songs he’s ever written as a member of all those bands and also some hot new jams he has cooked up without even really trying. Phil will sing and play guitar, I’ll play guitar like a mofo, Paul Bertolino will play drums, and Patrick Quade holding it down on bass. Together, we will bring the rock heat together as PCP for the first time ever on earth on Saturday, March 24th at the Mercury Lounge over there on Houston. You should totally come. Get tickets and/or more info here.
Still street,
Dave Hill
