Jun
Posted on 3rd June 2019
MY STATEMENT:
As you may or may not have heard by now, I, Dave Hill, national treasure, have been permanently banned from Twitter, the popular social media platform, as a result of letting a select several hundred Trump supporters know that I was totally porking their mothers, always consensually, and, when the cash was right*, in the butt. The majority of the time, there would also be pizza ordered afterward, which was paid for by the mother in question or, in some cases, that woman’s husband, which is to say the Trump supporter’s father, just as soon as he got done filming me and his wife doing the unthinkable, sometimes three or four times in one night and then a few more times after we got out of the van and went back inside to watch a movie or something. The way I see it, if you drive all the way to the mall, it’s just plain stupid to hang out in the parking lot the whole time. Also, there is a pretty good food court in there, which gives me and the lucky mom and dad the opportunity to order food from three totally different places if we feel like it.
Anyway, I guess we all saw this coming. And when I say we, I mean me, my friends Bill and Chris, and at least four or five other people besides us. It’s not like I wasn’t warned this might happen either. In fact, this past November, after 30 days straight of speaking plainly and honestly on Twitter about the gravity-defyingly good bone sessions I’d been having with so many Trump supporters’ mothers (and in some cases, fathers, usually at the same time and at no additional cost to them or their loved ones) it even surprised me, Twitter took swift action in punishing me, as they always do when someone crosses the line while using their platform (unless, of course, those people happen to be bloated conspiracy theorists, alt-right virgins, or just flat out Nazis, in which case, it usually takes the Twitter people way longer because they are busy policing guys like me who aren’t shy about dropping their dingle dangle into so many MAGA moms it’s actually kind of weird.) On that particular occasion, I was suspended for seven days, during which time I wasn’t allowed to so much as even “like” someone else’s tweet, the most basic of all human instincts, for one whole week. It was like I had time-traveled back to the grunge era or some shit and I honestly never would have even gotten through it were it not for the help of close friends and family as well as the three or four other secret Twitter accounts I keep for just such an occasion.
You’d think I would have learned something from this experience. But if life has taught me anything, I almost never do. And sure enough, after just a few weeks back on Twitter, there I was, pumping away at so many conservative mothers (and fathers) you’d think I was being paid to do it, which, as stated again and again in a series of late night, often drunken tweets, I totally was. Anyway, this past Monday, which is to say Memorial Day, in what I choose to believe was an act of both bold patriotism and good old-fashioned horndogginess, I decided to kick things up a notch and have my way with so much MAGA ass you would have sworn I was a proctologist in the suburbs of Dallas. And dammit if it wasn’t fun while it lasted.
This past Tuesday morning, I woke to find an email from Twitter Support letting me know my account was “suspended” and “currently under investigation” with no time given on how long this might last. The tweet that did me in one was one in which I replied to a Trump supporter who called me an idiot by telling him I wasn’t an idiot but I was, in fact, “stupid for his mother’s butthole.” It wasn’t my best work, not by a long shot. But at the same time, it was still the coolest thing me or anyone I have ever met before in my entire life has ever done.
Yesterday, I received a follow-up email from Twitter Support letting me know that I was banned from the platform permanently and if I think I am ever going to be allowed on Twitter ever again I can basically forget it. The news was, of course, jarring, but, at the same time, totally awesome. In short, I totally rule.
If there is anything to learn from this- and let’s be honest, there probably isn’t- it’s that we all have a job in this resistance. For some, it’s speaking out against injustice. For others, it’s getting people registered to vote. And for more than 30 days straight in the fall of 2018 and again this past Memorial Day and actually for most of the days in between those two times the more I sit here thinking about it right now, mine was telling Trump supporters who had insulted me with often homophobic, transphobic, and racist taunts, in addition to threats of violence, that I had been maintaining a long term, symbiotic, and deeply satisfying casual yet ridiculously intimate relationship with one or- ideally- both of their parents in which we got up to a ton of weird shit.
I guess my point is there will be casualties along the way, but don’t ever give up the fight.
Your man,
Dave Hill
P.S.
If anyone out there can help me get back on Twitter, let me know!
P.P.S.
You can help too by signing the important petition.
*It was always right.
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