Mar
Posted on 1st March 2012
Today I write to you from sunny London, England, an old-timey city that has been here for fifty or sixty years at least. Nobody knows for sure. Also, David Beckham lives here, which is great for everybody.
I arrived in London yesterday after flying over on a plane all by myself from New York City. They served dinner on the plane and I went with the beef, a decision my pants and I remain conflicted about. Above is a photo of me shortly after arriving at Heathrow airport. As you can see, I felt great and was really excited for the future. My new friend Ian (No, we are not dating- we are two dudes who are totally into chicks and you can ask anybody, so calm down!) picked me up in his sweet van and drove me to the classy shithole I am renting while I’m in town. It is located in Belsize Park, right near all the shops.
Once I got settled and shaved from the waist down, I headed out into the night for the first couple of the six shows I am doing while I am ruling this town this week. First, I did a short set at the Garage over there in Islington. There is a pub next to the tube station there called the Famous Cock. This is basically always going to be funny no matter what anyone else might tell you. I would love to have a drink there one day, but I’m afraid the beer would come out of my nose because of all the laughing I would be doing.
After my set at the Garage, I hightailed it over to Kensal Green to do Jeff Leach’s show at the Paradise. They had a power outage at the club, so the place was lit up only with candles and also there was no microphone, which really gave the show an old timey, we’re-all-gonna-die-but-we’ll-have-fun-doing-it kind of vibe. After the show, I started drinking as much as possible so as to ease my jetlag. Jeff, a couple other friends, and I ended up at some place called Crobar in Soho (I think), where they play loud rock music and everyone is basically rocking out super hard the whole time like they’re never going to die or something. Against all odds, I ended up doing a Jaeger Bomb, something that has never happened in my entire life before and is unlikely to ever happen again. I mean- don’t get me wrong- I like fun and all, but c’mon. It’s, like, calm down. Am I right?
This morning, I woke up, gathered my pants and wallet and got the day started by eating some fresh fruit and yogurt that I bought at a nearby grocery store with my own money because I am a a grown man. Then I headed out for my first appointment of the day, a high-powered show business meeting in Waterloo. The sex was fabulous and also they gave me a complimentary water, which was great because I was really dehydrated from all those good times I was having last night and also from the sex, which was exhausting and also my feelings got hurt.
After my high-powered show business meeting, I wandered over to Borough Market while listening to both jams and hot jams on my iPod. Along the way, I saw the toilet seat above. Sometimes you think you’re never going to find a toilet seat with beach huts on it and then it happens and life will never be the same again.
As hinted at in the name, Borough Market is an outdoor market near London Bridge where they sell all sorts of delicious foods, dead animals, and also brownies. Every time I go there, I get this green Thai curry from this one stand. It is totally delicious and I want to eat it all day every day despite the fact that it invariably puts me on serious pantshitting alert every time I eat it and I never really know what to do because I am from out of town and I don’t want no trouble.
Once I finished dealing with the green Thai curry and its lasting effects on my gastrointestinal system, I walked around the market some more, mostly just staring at things but also sometimes touching things for slightly too long. Along the way, I stumbled upon a cheese stand that had signs above all their cheeses that read “an introduction to cheese.” Every time I saw a sign, I said “Hi, cheese- I’m Dave!”, which was funny every time even though no one working at the cheese stand seemed to think so. They didn’t have to swear at me like that though. Why do the people of the cheese industry always have to be such dicks?
As funny as it was, I eventually got tired of making that humorous cheese joke, so I decided to get myself a damn brownie, which I totally did because there was a stand there that sold brownies. They were also selling the weird tarts pictured above. As you can see, they were satanic tarts (Think about it long and hard and then I don’t know what). Sometimes you think Satan isn’t going to show up at a brownie/tart stand and then he totally does when you least expect it. That’s just his way, I guess. Satan- always one step ahead, even when it comes to dessert items.
Once I finished tearing Borough Market a new one, I rode the tube back to my classy shithole in Belsize Park all by myself and took a nap, which I totally deserved after doing all that stuff I just mentioned. It would tire out a lumberjack. Now it’s time to put my pants back on and head out into the night to do another show. This time I’m tearing a club in Kentish Town a new one. Tomorrow and Saturday I’m at Deansway’s in Bethnal Green. Come. We’ll make out.
Love,
Dave Hill
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