Jan
Posted on 17th January 2011
Today I write to you from high above America as I fly from scenic San Francisco to scenic New York City. As I look out my window, the plane appears to be somewhere over Reno. Or maybe Akron. It’s hard to say really. We are up so high and there are clouds and stuff.
The flight attendant just came by with the beverage cart. I got a coffee. Normally I drink my coffee black on planes to give the appearance that I am all business, but today I decided to get it with milk and sugar, the way I usually take it on land. Whenever they hand me the coffee on a plane, I am always filled with that nervous anticipation of successfully taking it from the flight attendant and setting it down on my little tray thingy without spilling it all over the person next to me, burning them severely enough to require skin grafts and speech therapy. It’s the same feeling I used to get playing baseball when I was a kid and a pop fly came my way. “Don’t drop it, Dave! Don’t drop it, Dave!”, I’d think while peeing just a little bit. So far, I’ve never dropped a coffee on anyone’s lap on a plane, not even my own. My baseball career didn’t go as well.
The lady next to me is eating a wrap sandwich, which are bullshit if you ask me. I like my sandwiches with bread. Wraps are just shitty burritos and they must be stopped.
But back to San Francisco. I did two shows this past weekend as part of this year’s SF Sketchfest, a super great comedy festival featuring some of the greatest comedians working today and also me. On Saturday, I shared a double bill with Will Franken at the Purple Onion. Dave Thomason hosted. They were both hilarious and I had a super great time and no one threw anything at my head. After the show, I walked all the way over to Cobb’s Comedy Club to see another show but realized I left my credit card back at the Purple Onion and had to head back to get it so I missed the show I totally wanted to see. I never remember to get my credit card from a bar. Whenever I say “Leave my tab open” to the bartender, I usually just mean “How early do you guys open up tomorrow? I’m gonna need to come back here, I guess.”
When I picked up my credit card, the bartender offered to by me a round. I felt kind of done drinking, but didn’t want to seem rude so I drank another beer while waiting to see if the bartender, an Italian woman, wanted to have intercourse. She didn’t, so I headed over to a nearby hotel, where a bunch of friends who were doing the festival were all hanging out drinking stuff. I hung out and drank stuff with them for a bit and then snuck off into the San Francisco night, back to my hotel to wait out those interminable hours before they set out the free muffins and stuff.
Last night, I performed my popular nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion at Cobb’s Comedy Club, mentioned earlier. My guests were international music person Moby, excellent singer/songwriter Thao Nguyen, and excellent comedian Will Franken, who filled in for the lovely Martha Plimpton, who had to bale out last minute because of show business demands. It was a fun show. I bought a new snow machine and used it for the first time last night. It was seriously good at blowing fake snow all over the place, which accounts for roughly 50% of my act. If you ever want to see a room full of people get really excited, turn on a fake snow machine. Instant fun and the fake snow only burns the skin a little bit.
After the show, I drank some stuff with a couple friends and then walked around the area in town with all the strip joints and smut shops because I love bright lights. I was fascinated that one place’s sign read “An adult book store.” I feel like they could have saved some money on the sign by not having the “an.” I can’t tell if it’s sad that that’s what stuck out most to me about the place. Also, some guy tried to shake my hand. I didn’t let it happen. Never shake anyone’s hand in or near a smut shop. That’s just common sense.
Yesterday during the day, I went for a seriously killer run around San Francisco. I ran about six miles, which is longer than anyone has ever run before as far as I’m concerned. Afterward, I stopped by Japantown, which- as hinted in the name- is an area full of Japanese shops and restaurants. I bought some Japanese stuff and also a cappucino and then headed back to my hotel to do my pre-show crunches and cutting.
Now they are showing a movie on the plane. It is a Katherine Heigl vehicle of some sort. I think she ends up having a baby with someone she never expected in this one too.
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