Feb
Posted on 4th February 2010
Attention People of New York City:
Hi. It’s me, Dave, Dave Hill, again. Wait- no, no, no, baby- don’t hang up. Look, I know things have been really crazy between us lately and we both said a lot of things we didn’t mean and the odds of them ever letting us back into Benihana again after everything that happened last time are slim at best. I also know that in the past I have written stuff on your front lawn using fire and I now know probably better than anybody that that is a completely unacceptable thing to do, especialIy to the most important person in my life, a beautiful person both inside and out whom I would gladly open a joint bank account with any time they are ready and would happily trust to use those funds wisely and in a manner that would not require explanation of any sort no matter how suspicious things might sometimes seem. Anyway, I can’t go into everything right now because I am scheduled to lead a team building seminar at the Paramus Holiday Inn in exactly fifteen minutes and need to focus on getting this pool inflated and filled before everyone gets their handstamps and licorice ropes and we get things started. From now on, I am about positivity. I just wanted to remind you one last time that I am doing my popular and critically-acclaimed (Here, read this. I told you I was going to be famous) one-man show/monologue/rock assault type thing “Big in Japan” TOMORROW night, which is to say February 5 at 8pm at the world-famous Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Chelsea. If you don’t come, motherf@#kers are gonna get stabbed. Also, my feelings will be hurt. But I would never hurt you though. That is the important thing I need you to know and there’s not a goddamn judge or lawyer in this country that can stop me from telling you and also saying that I love you, even if it’s from at least 500 feet away and you say it’s always too loud outside the bus station to hear words from the heart anyway. I really hope you can make it tomorrow. Things are going to be different. I promise. You can get tickets right here (I would leave you some for you at the door but I know you can take care of yourself and you don’t need me trying to solve all your life problems).
Love,
Dave Hill
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