Jul
Posted on 13th July 2009
As rumored on the Internet, this past Thursday I performed my first ever comedy show at a maximum security prison, Sing Sing to be exact, which is a popular prison located in Ossining, New York and home to over 1700 inmates, most of whom are violent felons it turns out. As prisons go, it is about as tough and scary as they come. Still, I must say I had a really great time. They even had donuts. I didn’t have a donut but it was nice to know I could have had a donut if I had wanted a donut.
That is the flyer the prison made for my big show at Sing Sing above. They made a rule that you had to have “one year clean disciplinary” to attend, which I think put a crunch on the numbers I maybe could have pulled in since inmates tend to be a rowdy bunch as I understand it and getting one year clean discplinary is maybe not all that easy when it gets right down to it. Even so, there were about 250 inmates and also some of the prison guards and staff (including the superintendent or “warden,” who is in charge of the whole place!) there to perform what could have been my last show ever if those in attendance maybe didn’t like it so much. Instead of having a riot, however, we had a laugh riot! (See how I did that?)
My friends Clark Caldwell, Carl Arnheiter, and Laura Krafft were with me too. Clark helped with the audio visuals and Carl and Laura did really funny bits on the show. They all had a really great time too except for Laura because she is a pretty girl and sometimes a maximum security prison full of violent felons just isn’t the best place for a woman to be no matter how much it might have seemed like a good idea on the ride there. The inmates miss a woman’s touch and- as a result- sometimes might look at a woman like she is a big turkey drumstick or pork chop like in the cartoons when that happens. Laura got a little scared during her set and afterwards a prison guard said to her “You know why you got scared? Because there are murderers and rapists out there!” I feel really bad that Laura had a not so good time in prison, but I got a really big kick out of what the prison guard said to her. He really put things in perspective.
Aside from Laura not having a really good time in prison, our trip to Sing Sing was about as wonderful as I could have ever hoped. I hate to admit it, but I was a little terrified about the whole thing in the days leading up to the show, but by the time the whole thing was done, I was feeling warm and fuzzy all over. All the inmates were really nice and appreciative and made me feel right at home in prison with them. After a while, I no longer saw them as convicted felons, but as totally regular guys who all just happen to have the same taste in clothes. They even gave me a standing ovation at the end and when we walked out of the prison and back to our car at the end of the night, they were all clapping and calling my name and thanking me for totally coming to their prison and having a really nice time with them for a few hours. I can’t wait to go back to prison.
My new inmate friends can’t use the Internet so they won’t be able to read this unfortunately (at least not for a few years at least, depending on behavior). But if they could, I would probably end it with a big shout out to them and maybe an inside joke of some sort that only us guys who know what it’s like in the big house would understand. Most likely, I would mention something about a fifi and all the guys would know what I was talking about. And then we would just laugh and laugh.
Jul
Posted on 13th July 2009
Last night I ate dinner at Tout Va Bien, a delightful and reasonably priced French restaurant where I have been known to take my meals from time to time. I ate a chicken-based item and sat right next to this dreamy headshot of Alec Baldwin. The photo appears to be from at least a few months ago as his hair is a little different now. I really did like him on “21 Jump Street” though. I hope they bring that back.
Jul
Posted on 7th July 2009
Remember how I was just talking about Impose Magazine in the last post? Oh, good, because now they have gone and done an interview with me that also includes a scintillating photo essay of me too. It’s really something. I hope you enjoy it a whole bunch. If you’ve ever wandered what it is like to sit around my apartment and having a really great time, wonder no more because the pictures tell the story. The whole thing is right here.
Dave Hill
Jul
Posted on 6th July 2009
Hi. How are you? I am pretty good mostly. Anyway, if you are looking for fun in New York City this Wednesday night, I encourage you to intend Impose Magazine’s reading series “Friends with Benefits” at Bruar Falls, which will include me and all the great people mentioned on the flyer above. The flyer pretty much says it all, but basically we are all going to read stuff and people are going to stand around and look at us and hopefully listen and probably drink stuff while we are reading aloud in front of them. Occasionally, someone will leave to smoke, use the restroom, or make out in the bathroom too if things go really, really well. Please come. Me? I’m just happy to be out of the house.
Jul
Posted on 4th July 2009
Happy 4th of July! Now get out there and do some living! And speaking of living and 4th of July and stuff, nothing says 4th of July to me like a squirrel on water skis. You think that would have ever happened if had stayed under British rule. I don’t think so! Anyway, the action kicks in at about the 37 second mark. I’m not sure why we have to wait so long. I want to see a damn squirrel on water skis! Get to it!
In other news, I can’t remember if I ever mentioned this here before (though I must have, right?), so just in case I didn’t, here is a much belated mention of the fact that you can currently view my entire hit television series “The King of Miami with Dave Hill” on Hulu. So if you missed it and want to decide for yourself whether it should have been cancelled, well, now is your chance. Watch it here! I hope you enjoy it a whole bunch. It’s kind of like hanging out with a really tan version of me, which brings me back to the Fourth of July. Time to put my shirt on I guess.
Jul
Posted on 3rd July 2009
Being a grown man and all, one of my recent life goals was to make it onto my friend Jake’s popular new website “Things That Look Like Cock-n-Balls.” Well, I am proud to say that today it happened! See my exciting contribution to the site above and here. And thank you, Jake- you’ve made a young man’s dreams come true!
Jul
Posted on 3rd July 2009
Today I write to you from my homeland of Cleveland, Ohio or- more specifically- University Heights, Ohio, where I spent my formative years and- as long as we’re on the topic- lived with my parents past the age of 30 (to be fair, I lived other places before then but I have definitely spent time past the age of 30 being a full-time resident there. Easy, ladies. One at a time). I am visiting for a few days in observance of the popular 4th of July holiday and my dad’s birthday, and also just hanging out Cleveland-style with my parents.
Like a lot of other places in the country, Cleveland is pretty gray and rainy at the moment, as evidenced in the photo above that I took near my parents’ house yesterday. Then again, it’s kind of like this here a lot of the time. It’s a lot like London, only without the cool accents and, you know, some of the cool stuff they have over there in London. But make no mistake about it- Cleveland has its own share of magic. And now it’s got Shaquille O’Neal too. Whoa.
I am writing at the moment from the big Whole Foods near my parents’ house, a store that I find delightful even though I think it greatly contributes to the end of locally-owned businesses here and pretty much everywhere I go anymore. It’s okay- I’m guessing the world is going to explode any day now, so I will enjoy my bizarrely expensive fruit salad and free wi-fi while I can. Plus, in the time I’ve been sitting here, they have played Joe Jackson and an old song by the Alarm, which is more than I can say for the world music-obsessed coffee shop I go to most days when I’m back in New York. Don’t get me wrong- I really like the coffee shop, but I can’t abide by world music. It’s a cruel invention projecting the idea of good times while making people miserable with its steel drum bullshit. It must die.
Other than hanging out with my parents or buying stuff at Whole Foods, I have spent most of my time in Cleveland eating ice cream from Mitchell’s Homemade Ice Cream, which is pretty awesome ice cream made by two guys I knew growing up. It’s exciting to watch friends become ice cream magnates from afar. In an alternate universe, I would love to be an ice cream magnate. Actually, the more I think about it, I think I’d really like to be an ice cream magnate in this universe as it remains unclear to me what else I’m doing at the moment. Maybe there is excitement around the corner. I wonder.
In other news, I am gearing up for my first ever Dave Hill Explosion behind bars next week, when I will be performing at Sing Sing prison for what I understand will be about 250 maximum security violent felons. Most people seem to think I’m kidding when I tell them about this show, but it’s true- it’s going down next week. I am really excited and also kind of terrified about the whole thing. But one of the reasons I ended up becoming a performer was because I thought it might help me overcome assorted social anxieties I have had over the years, so I’m guessing performing for 250 inmates at a prison should really do wonders for me on some level or another. Or I could die. Really it could either way I suppose. Life is funny that way sometimes. Anyway, I will keep you posted on what should undoubtedly be something worth blogging or- at the very least- Twittering about. And if anything should happen to me, just know that I love you very much.
Dave Hill
Jul
Posted on 2nd July 2009
Hi there. It’s me Dave, from before. Anyway, as reported not long ago on this here blog, recently I attended the popular “Rock on the Range” festival in Columbus, Ohio for two days of hanging out with bands like Alice in Chains, Slipknot, Motley Crue, Buckcherry, and then a whole bunch of other bands besides those. Footage of my special weekend is now appearing on Cinemax, the popular premium cable channel that sometimes shows boobs if you stay up late enough (and when I say sometimes, I mean all the time). The videos are appearing on the popular YouTube website as well. Those are a couple of them above. I will post more as they materialize. I hope you enjoy them a whole bunch.
Jul
Posted on 2nd July 2009
In a world where seemingly any and all attention is good attention, I was delighted to find this video on YouTube of two young people making fun of me. To bring you up to speed, they are loosely parodying two mock guitar instructional videos I made a while back to stave off boredom in my lonely little apartment. You can see the original videos here and here. Much to my delight, it seems that a lot of people on YouTube think that my guitar videos are meant to be taken seriously. I was surprised to discover that but I completely love it. A lot of the commenters also seem to think I am a “fat faggot.” Oh well, what can you do? I guess I could do more crunches maybe. Anyway, I love the above video. These kids have a bright future and I am not kidding.
