May
Posted on 15th May 2009
Attention People of New York City:
Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that this coming Thursday, May 21 at 9:30pm, I am going to be bringing back my popular nightclub act, the Dave Hill Explosion, to the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in historic Chelsea for the very first time in the year 2009. I know, I cannot believe it either. And YES, I do think it is a little weird to be doing my show on the same day that, in 2004, Sherpa Pemba Dorjie climbed Mount Everest in 8 hours 10 minutes, breaking his rival Sherpa Lakpa Gelu’s record from the previous year, thus proving once again what I have been saying for years- sherpas can be overly competitive dicks sometimes.
The real reason I am having my show on May 21, however, is that it was on this day in 1936 that Sada Abe was arrested after wandering the streets of Tokyo for days with her dead lover’s severed genitals in her hand, thus proving my point that it was NOT good times all the time with Sada Abe, contrary to popular belief. Before I go completely throwing Sada Abe under the bus though, I will say that- despite her “I will do anything for love” approach to life- she at least had the good sense to follow what I believe to be the number one rule to adhere to if you absolutely cannot keep yourself from cutting off your dead lover’s package- take it outside. People will be worked up enough already over the fact that you went and sliced off a dead man’s privates, so- trust me on this one- you do not want to aggravate the situation by messing up the rug. And I am DONE speaking on this topic.
Anyway, I really hope you can make it to my show next week as it will easily be the best five bucks you will have spent within recent memory and if I am wrong you can coat me in chocolate syrup and Bac-o-Bits and then leave me for death-by-licking at the Washington Square dog run. Weeks later they will drag us both into the courtroom in those orange prisoner uniforms (I should have never pulled that crap when the EMTs showed up) and you can watch me fall apart on the witness stand. However, I will say it now- I think you overreacted.
I also wanted to mention that- aside from everything I just mentioned- I will be joined on my show next week by the man I believe to be the Wayne Gretzky of public radio, Mr. Ira Glass, host of the wildly popular “This American Life” program, as well as the excellent rock band Takka Takka. And, of course, my sidebitch Phil will be there in his now 50% more beardriffic form and Mr. Carl Arnheiter will also be there, holding it down like a motherf@#ker. Seriously, you should come. You can get tickets right here.
Love,
Dave Hill
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