Jun
Posted on 17th June 2008
I’ve just returned from a long weekend in Italy and man that shit was crazy. All the signs were in Italian, everyone was speaking Italian, and shit was just pretty Italian in general everywhere you looked, which I guess shouldn’t have been all that surprising the more that I think about it but even still I never saw it coming for some reason. Newark to Rome- it’ll mess with your mind. Anyway, I am not Italian by blood, but- as the people of Italy will no doubt tell you- I pretty much ruled the fuck out of that place. Here’s how it all went down:
My friend Giancarlo’s family has a crazy ass mini-castle (or castelleto as people like me who totally speak Italian now call it) in the town of Sezze, which is about an hour and a half south of Rome. There was some crazy shit going down with the castelleto itself though, so we ended up staying at the villa right behind the castelleto, which was awesome. The picture above is the view out of the window of one of the rooms I wasn’t supposed to go in because Giancarlo said a ghost in a green bathrobe (one of his dead relatives) lives in there and he gets pissed if people mess with his shit. Still, the view out his window was better so I was all like “Fuck it- the ghost is gonna have to just deal for now, goddammit.” He seemed okay with it in the end though as my shit was not messed with.
After we got settled in the villa, we headed to a restaurant in town called Da Santuccio. I hate to be all like “The food in Italy was so good I can never eat food anywhere else ever again” or anything but it’s pretty much true. That shit was from the fucking future. Antipasto, assorted and awesome meats, pastas, wine, espresso, grappa- I was all over that shit like a Japanse tourist on a Marc Jacobs store. I almost had to take my pants off.
After we stuffed our faces, we headed over to some beach town that I can’t remember the name of and drank some more espresso and grappa and also looked at stuff. The picture above is of some building that I thought looked real purdy-like. Behind/above it was something called “the White City”, where we totally walked around for a bit and looked at more Italian stuff. Later that night, we ate at some excellent restaurant while staring at the Mediterranean Sea. Shit was awesome.
The next day, we got all suited up and went to the beach in Sperlonga. Giancarlo told me we might see some topless women at the beach so I asked him to drive a little faster down the Appian Way (pictured above through the windshield), which is a totally old road in Italy that the ancient Romans used and everything. I remember learning about it in Latin class back in high school, so it was pretty cool to be hitting it myself after all these years. Sometimes life comes full circle.
The beach itself was pretty cool and- generally speaking- very beachlike in general. We laid around and got tanned and sunburned to varying degrees and also went into the Mediterranean Sea, which was blue and just rough enough to make me want it more. Down the beach a little bit there is a big mountain (pictured above) that everyone says looks like a man lying down and they are right. More specifically, to me it kind of looks like a big, green sleeping George Washington but then again I am still jetlagged. As for the topless women, that is not one of them in the foreground. That is just some dude hanging out with his kids. I did see one topless woman that day though and she pretty much looked just like him only with slightly bigger breasts. Be careful what you wish for.
On the way back from the beach that day, we stopped off at an Italian night club, which turned out to be more of an Italian strip club/whorehouse as best I can tell. As for our part of the deal, money changed hands but only for our drinks I swear. Out front I spotted some nice airbrush artwork, pictured above. I am thinking of using that photo somewhere in the album artwork for the new Valley Lodge. It pretty much nails it.
In the interest of me stopping typing and you stopping reading, I will just say that the rest of our trip was spent driving from town to town, eating and drinking some more, looking at more stuff, get sunburned on the beach, wondering what everyone was saying in Italian, not paying for sex, and eventually going to Rome to see what all the fuss was about. Rome delivered on its promise, but I have to say- for this trip anyway- I preferred hanging out in the smaller towns and doing as little as possible other than looking out at views like the one above and saying “Shit, these Italians are some lucky motherfuckers.” I said it in English though so for once everyone around me was just as confused as me. Maybe we’re not so different after all.
Jun
Posted on 17th June 2008
Hi. How are you? Super, I hope. I wanted to tell you that tomorrow night I am totally going to be on the Brooklyn Vegan/Klaus Kinski presented Rock n Rofl show over there at Piano’s on Ludlow Street. The popular British band the Futureheads will be performing along with me, the excellent Mike Birbiglia, and one more rock band and a few other comedy types of great importance to be announced any second now. Anyway, it’s gonna be loco. There is free French beer all night too. I am not making this shit up. You should totally come. I mean, fuck it, right? Shit will probably sell out I’m guessing so maybe get your tickets in advance or some shit.
Jun
Posted on 11th June 2008
Seriously. I don’t know who I like more- this little pig or the person who had the moxie to put those little boots on him. I hope they gave themselves the rest of the day off after doing this because they really hit it out of the park. A piglet in little rubber boots- it doesn’t get much better than that. I mean, come on- it’s, like, not even fair. Where’s this little guy off to? Look at him- he’s all business with those boots on. “Outta the way! I gotta go get that little boy out of the well if it’s the last thing I do!,” he seems to be saying. I love it.
Jun
Posted on 11th June 2008
Here is the new video (at least to me anyway) for the excellent new Morrissey single “All You Need Is Me.” I kind of wish he would have thrown a few monster trucks or female body builders into the video or something, but other than that I’d say this pretty much nails it. Morrissey sings and plays the tambourine while the band rocks out and then Morrissey walks along and sings while the rest of the band trails behind him with their cool hair and stuff. This all goes on for about three and a half minutes until you’re all like “That was pretty fucking sweet” and then maybe want to watch it again. At least that’s how it happened with me. Then again, I’m an easy target, you know, since I really like Morrissey and all. Anyway, I hope you like it so much. Watch it now or I will completely lose it.
Jun
Posted on 10th June 2008
I don’t know if this has already been reported on NY1 or maybe CNN.com or something, but just in case it hasn’t I should probably put the word out there: I cleaned the fuck out of my bathroom last night and holy shit was that shit incredible. It had been a long time coming too since I’ve been living at my current residence for about a year and a half now and had yet to really set sponge to tile (as they say in the trade) the entire time. There was quite an ecosystem going on in there too, but last night I decided to finally take back the night on that fucker once and for all. The neighbors are still talking about it.
I got it all started by scrubbing the tub. I sprinkled some Comet all over the fucking place and then just sort of stared at the porcelain (or whatever the hell that tub is made out of) for a few minutes before really digging in. I even got into the tub itself to do it. I took off my socks and everything. This shit was serious.
After I got done scrubbing the tub itself, I worked my way up to the tiles surrounding the tub. And since no one knows better than me exactly what’s on those tiles, it was a daunting and humbling task. Still, I dug in like an ex-con let loose in Times Square in 1978. It was awesome. The shower tiles were all like “What the fuck?” and I was all like “How you like me now?” I really got those tiles pretty clean. And thank God you can’t really catch anything from your own germs.
After I finished bitchslapping the general tub area, I decided to make my way down to the floor. I sprayed that shit with some floor cleaner shit and within minutes the entire floor (including behind the toilet) could consider itself totally scrubbed the fuck out of. You would have thought that floor was getting ready to go make its First Communion or something it was looking so motherfucking clean and angelic. Damn.
After I got done fucking up the floors, I started to attack the cabinets. As a man who stays in hotels often, I have roughly ten years-worth of hotel soaps, shampoos, conditioners, mouthwash, toothpaste, and various lotions to contend with when I open up that shit. I thought about emptying all the bottles and whatnot into one giant bottle that I could use for all-purpose body washing/moisturizing/breath freshening and/or looking incredibleness, but then I was all like “Fuck it” and started organizing the various products in order of classiness. Four Seasons (Who cares if I was only there for an hour? That shit was paid for!) to the left, Days Inn to the right. Barring any exceptional hygiene issues, I should be set until well into 2019 provided I ignore all that lather, rinse, repeat bullshit (according to something I read once, some guy at a shampoo company- Prell or something- just came up with that so they could sell more shampoo. And it totally worked! Motherfucker got a plaque and everything.).
Once I was through whipping the cabinets into shape, I started fucking up the general sink and mirror area. I cleaned that shit so good that if I could serve lunch on a vertical plane, I would totally have motherfuckers over for lunch on my bathroom mirror right fucking now. Windex, 409, Fantastic- if it comes in a bottle, chances are I sprayed that shit all over my mirror last night. Fuck it.
After I got done with all that shit, I moved on to the toilet. Man, was that a wild scene. I thought about setting it on fire to really kill all the butt and weiner germs once and for all, but then I just sprayed some pine-scented bullshit all over the place, covered my nose and mouth, held back the tears, and got down to business. It was pretty incredible. I got that motherfucker so clean I’ve been holding it in ever since.
By this point, everything was all pretty much cleaned the fuck out of, so I focused my efforts on organizing my various store-bought lotions, creams, and fragrances that I leave out in the open for up-to-the-minute clarifyin’ and beautifyin’, which took up pretty much the rest of the night. I cursed under my breath most of the time, but then I caught a glimpse of my radiant skin in the mirror and remembered how crucial all 46 products really were to making this (I am pointing to myself as I type this) happen.
Anyway, now I’m all like “What the fuck am I gonna do now?” I feel like today is the first day of the rest of my life. Maybe I’ll see what’s going on in the kitchen.
Jun
Posted on 10th June 2008
As usual, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to helping people lately, like, on a global scale. Originally I was thinking about assembling an all-star heavy metal band comprised of some of the biggest heavy metal stars of the ‘80’s to record a heavy metal song for charity. And I was pretty excited about it too. That was, of course, until I remembered that somebody already did that with Hear ‘n Aid, an all-star heavy metal band comprised of some of the biggest heavy metal stars of the ‘80’s. Hear ‘n Aid was formed as a reaction to that “We Are the World” song and also that “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” song that Bono and a bunch of other European people sang on. Rainbow and Dio bass player Jimmy Bain thought the heavy metal community could probably make a pretty sweet song for really hungry people too and next thing you know Jimmy, Ronnie James Dio, Ted Nugent, Yngwie J. Malmsteen, and a bunch of guys from Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Dokken, Quiet Riot, Rough Cutt, Queensryche, Blue Oyster Cult, Y&T, Motley Crue, Twisted Sister, W.A.S.P., Night Ranger, Giuffria, Journey, and even Spinal Tap were all hanging out in the studio recording a song called “We’re Stars.” I can’t even imagine what the catering must have been like. Can you imagine helping yourself to a big plate of macaroni salad while the Nuge is right there next to you making a ham sandwich or something? Man, that would be awesome.
Above is the video for the “We’re Stars” song mentioned in the last paragraph. Personally, I think they could have just gone from the beginning part where Dio sings “Who cries for the children? I-I Doooooo” straight to all the guitar solos. And then they should have just let Yngwie and George Lynch trade off the whole time. But- hey- that’s just me. I’m a purist when it comes to shredding. And all these years later, still no one has addressed the elephant in the room: Where in the hell was Ratt? My guess is that they were banging groupies in Tokyo that day or something. Otherwise I just can’t understand why Carlos Cavazo couldn’t have just swung by Warren DeMartini’s house on the way to the studio or something. You know it was on the way. It’s just weird any way you slice it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this song and video on some level or another (and there are many, so if you can’t find at least three or four levels to enjoy it on, well, I just don’t know what to say to you anymore).
Speaking of incredible guitar playing, I was avoiding work around the house today and decided to crank out a brief yet incredible instructional guitar video for the world to enjoy. Watch it now because I will probably come to my senses and remove it from YouTube any second now. It’s that dumb. Here it is. I apologize in advance for blowing your mind:
Dave Hill
Jun
Posted on 8th June 2008
It’s Sunday, over a week past the opening of the “Sex in the City” movie, and I still haven’t seen it yet. I don’t know what sort of cruel joke I’m playing on myself but I’m pretty sure it can’t go on much longer.
Anyway, it is pretty hot outside and- not unlike the “Sex in the City” movie- people just won’t stop talking about it, including me. I have air conditioning in my apartment but it’s really only effective if you press your body directly against it, which makes it difficult to sleep among other things. Yesterday (in this crazy heat), I happened upon a street fair (it was actually across the street from my apartment so it didn’t really take much happening upon- I pretty much just had to look across the street), where I spotted an old accordion on sale for $120. I’ve been wanting an accordion since about the mid-90’s, so I was pretty excited about it. Still, I decided to play it close to the vest and acted not all that interested in it to the guys who were selling it. My plan was to return later and try to snatch up the accordion just as the guys who were selling it were packing things up for the day.
And it almost worked.
At around six o’clock yesterday, after a seriously killer workout at the gym, I swung by the street fair again. And- just as I had planned it- there was pretty much no one still there except for the guys I saw trying to sell the accordion a few hours earlier. There they were packing up their junk in the slowly setting sun. It was exactly as I had imagined it. I’d walk up just as they were gonna load up the last of their stuff into the truck (including the accordion) and I’d be all like “Hold up a second- maybe I can save you the trouble of loading that accordion back into the truck. Does….$40 do anything for you?” And then they’d be all like “$40? Hell, we’d probably pay you at this point for taking it off our hands! It’s yours!” The only problem was when I finally got up to the table there was no accordion in sight.
“Where the fuck is the accordion?,” I sort of asked.
“Oh, we sold it. Of course we sold it! You thought we wouldn’t be able to sell that beautiful accordion? Fuck you!,” one of the accordion-selling guys said something along the lines of back to me. “We sold it to a musician too! He could really play it,” he added as if to suggest that I wouldn’t know what to do with an accordion if it punched me in the nuts.
“I’m a musician too,” I whimpered, my $40 accordion dreams shattering before me.
“Oh,” he replied before getting back to packing up his boxes and stuff.
Now I sit here, accordionless, wondering what went wrong. And who is this fucking musician guy who snatched up my accordion while I was off building up my soon-to-be accordion-wearing shoulders at the gym? Anyway, I guess the moral of the story is if you see a reasonably priced accordion for sale on the street you should totally buy it before some other fucker does and you are left to face your sad, accordionless existence head on. Damn.
Of course now I still have accordions on the brain and figure I have to go out and buy one or something. I can’t wait to get in on some of that hardcore banging that undoubtedly comes as a result of owning an accordion and (most likely) sort of being able to play it a little bit. It’s going to be pretty awesome. I’ll keep you posted.
Jun
Posted on 6th June 2008
It’s been an action-packed week bordering on just plain electric. On Monday night, I hosted “Tell Your Friends” over there at Lolita Bar on Broome Street in the heart of the anything-goes Lower East Side. It was a fun and crowded show featuring a weirdly attractive audience. Todd Barry, Todd Levin, Jon Daly, Michele Carlo, and, of course, Liam McEneaney (It’s his show) also performed. That is a picture of Todd Barry I took on my phone during his set. I pretty much nailed it. At the end of the show, Liam, Jessica, and Shana (the fantastic show people) surprised me with a birthday cake (my birthday was gonna kick in at midnight). I totally didn’t see that shit coming. What nice people! And the cake was delightful.
Tuesday was my actual birthday. I can’t believe I’m almost 30! Gross. Anyway, like most birthdays, I pretended I didn’t want to do anything for it until the last minute and then I totally ended up doing something. Some friends and I met up at Lederhosen, the popular German-type place over there on Grove Street. It was fun and I drank too much (you know, birthday and all) and ate the fuck out of some German food. Afterwards a few of us headed over to Marshall Stacks on Allen Street where my friend Patrick holds his Tuesday night music session (people hand off an acoustic guitar to each other and play songs and whatnot. Don’t worry, no one wears sandals though). I drank too much there too and even ended up playing a few songs against my better judgment. I focused on the hits. Pitchfork is going to do a huge writeup about it later today.
Wednesday was spent mostly in tears (you know, hangover. Older but not wiser- am I right or am I right?), but that night I went to see my friend Lucy Wainwright Roche play her hits at the Living Room. It’s nice to see her in a small room. Someday she will play stadiums and I probably won’t hear a note because I’ll be backstage the whole time digging into the cold cut tray and stuff. Then she’ll come offstage and I’ll be all like “That was really great! Have you tried the pastrami?” It will be just like that. I’ll probably have some cool outfit on too.
Last night I went out to Southpaw in Brooklyn for the South Toward Home benefit, which featured Andrew Donnelly, Michael Showalter, Kristen Schaal and Kurt Braunohler, Toddy Barry, and Eugene Mirman doing comedy and Neko Case and my friend Lucy (mentioned earlier) playing some hits together. It was a really fun show and everyone hit it out of the park. Afterwards a bunch of us went over to Union Hall and I drank a couple beers before I remembered I am never going to drink ever, ever again. 
In other news, above is a picture I took of a little Mexican (I think) picture box that is in the window of a little card and knick-knack shop near my house. As you can probably see, inside the picture box is a bunch of people making picture boxes. My head practically exploded once I figured out what was actually going on.
Finally, here is a video by my friend, the great Mike Albo, doing his Underminer character. Mike is from the future. I hope you enjoy this video so much.
Dave Hill
Jun
Posted on 4th June 2008
Hi there. Recently I attended Comic Con NYC at the Jacob Javits Center, which is right here in town. This video is all about my day there. I hope you enjoy it so much.
Jun
Posted on 2nd June 2008
Mondays- am I right? I have been suffering mild plague-like symptoms the past couple days I’m guessing as a result of my on-the-go lifestyle and also my penchant for licking door knobs and stuff. Well, I have learned my lesson and have finally decided to slow down (a tiny bit) and stop licking stuff all the time. That’s just common sense.
In other news, my friend Leeza sent me this story last week about a homeless woman in Japan who had been apparently been living in a storage space in a man’s closet for the past year. I feel sorry for her a bit but mostly I just admire her gumption. With that kind of can-do spirit it’s a wonder she became homeless in the first place. I also wonder whether her strategy was to just sleep in the closet space and then get out and enjoy the day or did she just spend most of her time balled up in that closet just waiting for the time to pass? I hope I don’t ever find someone living my closet. Unless it’s supermodel Helena Christensen or someone. That would be pretty great, but also kind of weird the more I think about it. You’d think she could do better. Then again I’m glad she chose me.
In the interest of full closure, I have to admit that the reason I’ve got supermodel Helena Christensen all on the brain like that is because I saw her in my neighborhood the other night. I’m pretty sure she lives right by me because I’ve seen her a few times now. Anyway, every time I see her the whole thing starts by me thinking “Hey, there’s some pretty lady in the corner of my eye I’m pretty sure.” And then I look up and it turns out to be supermodel Helena Christensen and then I’m all like “Oh, I guess that makes sense that I am struck by the beauty of this person even though I can only see her out of the corner of my eye. It’s supermodel Helena Christensen.” In my fantasy, after I spot her she then notices me and says “Hey there. You know, I’ve been looking to date a completely average looking man of limited prospects. You in or what?” And then we go get Chinese food or something. Helena, if you’re reading this, I am the guy in the T-shirt with the brown hair. Just let me know. Oh, and you can order whatever you want.
« Older Entries Newer Entries »
