Apr
Posted on 30th April 2008
Given my love of Norwegian Black Metal and all, my friends Matt and Dale both e-mailed me today about this new photography book by excellent Brooklyn photographer Peter Beste. I already own a poster of the photo above that hangs over me as I type this (I actually had to buy a proper upright cross to hang in my apartment to offset the pure blackness this poster is kicking out without even trying) and I’m really excited to own this book once it comes out next week. Lest we forget, however, long before this book or Metalocalypse or anything else really, I was still already the King of Black Metal. And you know what? I’m still schooling motherfuckers on that shit.
Apr
Posted on 30th April 2008
My friend Jake sent me this picture of him and his new haircut yesterday. I don’t think it would be right for me really, but I’m really glad he has it. That way I can point at him and stuff. No, I’m just kidding, I won’t point at him (though I was seriously thinking about it for a second). Needless to say though, Jake’s haircut serves as a big kick in the nuts to all those pathetic fauxhawks still out there.
Giving things a historical perspective, Jake has pointed out to me that his haircut is inspired by that of professional wrestler Road Warrior Hawk (above, but I’m guessing you figured that one out on your own). Beware of men in tights, especially this one. He seems irritable.
And in keeping with this theme of shirtless men with sometimes questionable judgment, thanks to my friends at Shelf Life Clothing, I happened upon the above video of Glenn Danzig showing off his book collection or- more specifically- showing off “just part of” his book collection while shirtless and bathed in what appears to be the glow of flames at midnight. He is a man before his time.
Apr
Posted on 29th April 2008
Attention People of New York City:
Must type fast. The Kinko’s lady is being a major A-hole today. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you one last time that TOMORROW- which is to say Wednesday, April 30- at 8pm, I will be walking out onto the main stage of Comix, the Meatpacking District’s premier house of consensual good times, and kicking off what should prove to be the greatest thing to happen in this town since the Gates. I am of course talking about my futuristic and one-time only extravaganza known in the Scandinavian press as Dave Hill’s Festival of Sight and Sound and Other Stuff Featuring Dave Hill and Some Other People Too. I strongly encourage you to attend, like, for real. Aside from whatever unstoppable tricks I may have up my sleeve, I will be joined tomorrow by some of the most incredible show business professionals in North America, including but necessarily limited to the fresh-faced John Mulaney (Comedy Central, Conan), the puckish Dan Mintz (Comedy Central, Conan), the scrappy Larry Murphy (Assy McGee), the irascible Joe Mande (ECNY Award Winner, dammit), the winsome Laura Krafft (Colbert Report), the at-times-violent Meredith Scardino (Colbert Report), the saucy Dan Dratch (Man Show, Monk), and the downright vulgar Phil Costello (King of Miami, DH Explosion, COTU, Satanicide), who will be singing the hits. I should also point out that this show will be the last comedy show I will ever perform, since- starting May 1- I will be committing myself 100% to dance and nothing but dance. No, I am just kidding. I am not quitting comedy for dance (though dance will remain an interest). See? That is just one example of the kind of jokes and such that will be taking place at the incredible show I speak of in this e-mail. I really hope you can make it. You can get tickets here. Type in the secret discount code of HILL430 and you, the reader of this e-mail, will save five dollars, which is great. Okay, I hope to see you tomorrow. It would mean so much to me. Also, I am dying. No, just kidding again. I am not really dying. That is a joke. File under: more where that came from. Seriously though, I am a walking miracle. I could go at any time.
Your friend,
Dave Hill
Apr
Posted on 29th April 2008
My friend Leeza sent me a link to this website for Trucknutz yesterday. As you can see from the photo above, Trucknutz are fake testicles you can hang from the back of your truck. That way people will know you are driving a boy truck, you know, because it has testicles. I have neither really thought much about buying a truck- until now that is, a time when buying a truck so I can slap some fake testicles on it is pretty much all I can think about.
Trucknutz (not to be confused with Trucknuts, which are a totally different thing) come in a bunch of different colors, including blue, green, red, camouflage, brass, and flesh-colored among others, so it’s not hard to find the perfect set of fake truck testicles for you and your on-the-go, truck-with-fake-testicles-having lifestyle. The Trucknutz people sell Bikerballz too. As hinted at in the name, Bikerballz are testicles for your motorcycle. That’s just silly to me though. Whoever heard of such a thing? Testicles for a motorcycle- now that’s just dumb.
In other news, my friend Gary sent me the video above earlier today. It’s of planes flying into the Kowloon side of Hong Kong. As a person who has totally been to Hong Kong before (November of 2001, they were pretty much giving away plane tickets back then, you know, because of the towers), I can tell you that it’s pretty wild how close to the buildings and people those big jets come when they are coming in for a landing. If you ever get the chance, you should totally go to Hong Kong, especially if you like Chinese food. They have seriously good Chinese food in Hong Kong and it’s, like, everywhere.
Apr
Posted on 27th April 2008
Since I am really into Satan and also really into heavy metal, I happened to spend a little time watching assorted Venom is a band from Newcastle, England who are pretty incredible in at least nine or ten different ways, probably more even. They are credited with inventing black metal and pretty much don’t mess around as far as being a really Satanic heavy metal band goes. When I was a kid I remember walking into a record store and picking up a copy of Venom’s “Welcome to Hell” album and thinking to myself “Wow, these guys are pretty serious about being into Satan.” To be honest, I was actually kind of afraid that something bad might happen to me if I held the album in my hands for too long. They were that awesome. A year or two ago, my friend Kristen and I went to see Venom at Irving Plaza and man that shit was good. Kristen had never been to a Satanic heavy metal concert before and she really seemed to enjoy it. It’s always nice to turn a friend onto really Satanic heavy metal when you can. They will thank you for it. Trust me.
Anyway, during my Venom video-watching session this weekend, I stumbled upon the interview (in two parts) below with the band from the mid-’80s, when they were at at the peak of their Satanic heavy metal powers. They also had pretty great hair. What I really admire about these videos is how much you can tell these guys are really committed to what they do. Whether you are really into Satanic heavy metal or not (but let’s hope you are), you can really learn something from Venom. The main lesson here is to give it your all in life. Next time you are unsure of what to do in a particular situation, ask yourself “What would Venom do?” The answer, of course, is to kick as much ass as possible. And, hey, if you be seriously into Satan too while you’re at it, all the better. There should also probably be a guitar solo at some point.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy these Venom interviews. They are really something.
Apr
Posted on 22nd April 2008
Here is a video for “Ain’t That Enough” by the seriously underrated Teenage Fanclub, who are really Scottish. It’s a really good song for driving around, eating snacks, running errands, banging (just casual banging though, probably not, like, crazy banging or anything), pretty much anything really. I really like how just when you think the band is done introducing new and catchy parts to the song they go and keep doing it again. I’m glad they did. I hope are too.
Apr
Posted on 21st April 2008
I guess we all saw this coming but- as of this writing- it is officially official: I have now seen everything. I stumbled upon (which is to say “actively sought out”) this fun photo at Cuteoverload.com, the Internet’s foremost cute animal website. As you may have guessed, this is a photo of a raccoon walking into someone extremely lucky person’s house on its hind legs. I’m not sure if it’s a wild raccoon or the kind that people (none that I know of, however) keep as pets. If it is a pet, I am pretty sure its owner must be running around saying “My pet raccoon thinks he’s a person. No, really, he really thinks he’s a person. Here- I’ll show you” to pretty much anyone who will listen. Really though- can you blame them? If I had a pet raccoon that could walk on its hind legs I would pretty much never shut up about it.
Apr
Posted on 21st April 2008
Recently, my friend Carlen recommended that I install Sitemeter onto this here blog as a means of tracking traffic to my blog and whatnot. I thought it would be interesting to find out where people are coming from (via the magic of the Internet) to read this page or- at the very least- stare at it blankly before deciding to go look at something more interesting, so I was all over that shit.
After installing the futuristic Sitemeter program, I was surprised to find that people (or at the very least computers) from all over the world are viewing this page. This is exciting on one level, but on another level I am kind of thinking there’s no way someone in, say Turkey for example, could possibly be actually reading my blog. Instead, I figure some computer program in Turkey or Bulgaria or Egypt or wherever is somehow trolling the Internet and stumbling upon my blog while making its daily and futuristic rounds. I am not really sure how to figure out whether or not it’s actual humans reading my blog (though I do realize there are a fair amount of actual humans who read it and- if you are one of them- I thank you very much for doing so. Seriously, you are the best. I would like to make you a delicious sandwich) other than to just ask people (meaning you, for example) to maybe write me at mrlourawls@gmail.com or leave a commment in the comments section here and tell me where you are located and how you happened to find my blog (and also maybe tell me what you are wearing). You don’t have to, of course. I am just curious and also- clearly- a very lonely man who is totally sitting here in his apartment with not a whole lot going on at this very moment so I just figured I’d ask. Who knows- maybe I will decide to send baked goods to whomever actually e-mails or leaves me a comment. I said MAYBE. I do make a mean deep-dish Saltine jubilee though. So brace yourself. Gosh, this is kind of a sad entry, isn’t it? I better go now- I have to send off some helium balloons with a letter attached to them. Tomorrow I am throwing a message in a bottle out into the sea. You get it.
Apr
Posted on 21st April 2008
This past weekend, I was listening to one of those music channels on cable television, the really high-numbered channels that play only music and don’t show any incredible programming. It was on the ‘70’s channel and after a few minutes “Sentimental Lady” by Bob Welch came on. I hadn’t heard the song in over twenty years I’m guessing and had pretty much totally forgotten about it, but when it came on that part of your brain that locks up old memories just opened wide up and I was all like “Oh, man, I totally know this song.” And then I remembered how Bob Welch had a bunch of other really great songs too, so I hopped on the computer and started digging those up- songs like “Ebony Eyes,” “Hot Love, Cold World,” and “Precious Love.” That Bob Welch could really crank ‘em out.
For the unitiated, Bob Welch was a member of Fleetwood Mac in those leaner years after Peter Green and Jeremy Spencer left. Bob played guitar and sang with the band from 1971 to 1974, when he quit from rock-n-roll exhaustion or something. Then Mick Fleetwood asked some guy named Lindsey Buckingham to replace Bob in the band. Lindsey agreed to join the band on the condition that his girlfriend, a pretty young thing by the name of Stevie Nicks, could also be in the band. No one is really sure what happened to Fleetwood Mac after that.
Anyway, above is a video of Bob performing his hit “Ebony Eyes” with Fleetwood Mac at a big concert in California a long, long time ago. I guess he decided to visit his old bandmates and meet the new members while he was at it. There were probably snacks backstage too. And by “snacks,” I mean “drugs.” Especially entertaining is the interview at the beginning of the video featuring actor Jeff Conaway asking Bob Welch, Mick Fleetwood, and that Stevie Nicks some tough questions on life as current and/or former members of Fleetwood Mac. It’s hard to watch the video without yelling at Jeff through your computer screen to totally not become a drug addict and go on that stupid “Celebrity Rehab” show, but you really shouldn’t bother. It doesn’t work. He is still totally on that show. Still, I hope you like this video. And, Bob, if you’re out there, thanks for the sweet tunes.
Apr
Posted on 18th April 2008
Attention People of New York City:
This is your man Dave Hill writing to you with some seriously important news. On Wednesday, April 30 at 8pm, I will be taking the stage at Comix, the Meatpacking District’s premier house of good time fun, and presenting to you the most exhilarating night of entertainment this town has to offer outside of The Color Purple. I imagine you are assuming at this point that I am referring to my critically-acclaimed one-man chat/variety juggernaut the Dave Hill Explosion. However, you are mistaken. No, this time around I am talking about a little something I like to call Dave Hill’s Festival of Sight and Sound and Other Stuff Featuring Dave Hill and Some Other People Too, a/k/a a rare and exciting opportunity to see me and some of New York City’s most talented and bangable comedy professionals perform in a room where you can also enjoy slow-baked Atlantic salmon, caramelized banana cake, and a mysterious after-dinner drink known as the Hot Kiss Goodnight among other delicious and reasonably-priced items I challenge you to resist.
Rather than launch into some lengthy description of what the show itself is all about, I instead ask you to simply think for a moment of the Blue Angels, the popular Navy flight demonstration squadron. Formed in 1946, the Blue Angels consist of a rotating team of unstoppable fighter pilots who take time out from the grim realities of battle to perform incredible feats of naval aviation for the amusement of the general public, sometimes just a few feet above throngs of people who may or may not be hallucinating from a toxic mix of cotton candy, cheese fries, and thick-as-molasses jet fumes. Similarly, I ask you to think of my show on April 30 as one brave warrior descending from the sky- not unlike the young Icarus in his bold yet botched flight out of Crete that we still talk about to this day- to delight and amaze the people of this town. Unlike the wily Icarus, however, my descent from air will be intentional and arguably even more incredible (though admittedly the whole thing he and his father did with the wax and the wings was really pretty great and something even I would not attempt unless hammered). And when I show up at Comix I will make almost no mention of King Minos, a man Icarus- by all accounts- would pretty much not shut up about.
Joining me on the eve of April 30 at Comix are some folks with whom I am honored to share the stage- hot young things like John Mulaney, Laura Krafft, Joe Mande, Larry Murphy, and Dan Dratch, all of whom have MySpace pages. Also- due to provisions outlined in a contract I signed under duress- my man Phil will be “in the house” (to use the language of the streetz) that night too.
Given the incredible amount of entertainment that will be coming your way that night (and also because I have personally seen to it that the slow-baked Atlantic salmon will be available throughout the performance), tickets for this show of shows clock in at $15. I know, you’re all like “What?! Last I checked my name is not Donald Trump, the popular real estate magnate and reality show host, thank you very much.” But before you go leaving your house to kick me in the nuts, please know that you can get tickets for just $10 (a discount of approximately five dollars) by getting tickets in advance at Comixny.com and entering the incredibly secret discount code HILL430 when prompted by the spirit of the Internet. Ten bucks- that’s not so bad, right? Did I mention the mushroom and roasted garlic dip? They have that stuff there too. I really hope you can make it. You can totally get tickets right Dave Hill
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