Apr
Posted on 6th April 2007
It is Friday and I am experiencing coma-like symptoms so I figured it would be a really great time to just post pictures of myself here on the Internet. If you like staring at me half as much as I like too, then you have just hit a street called Easy. Anyway, the above photo is of me and Hollywood’s Zane Lamprey in the El Mirage desert in California where we were shooting promos for our respective television programs on the futuristic Mojo network, which is in mindblowing high-definition so you can see my pores and stuff. Zane’s show is called “Three Sheets” and features him traveling the world and drinking stuff. That is a pretty good job as far as jobs go. My show, of course, is the “The King of Miami” and it comes onto the television on May 7. Brace yourself. Dammit.
Speaking of me, last night I performed at Livia Scott’s new show at the PIT along with Baron Vaughn, Shayna Ferm, and Sean Crespo. That is totally a picture of me standing there and saying something really interesting in the photo above. Thanks to Anya Garrett for perpetuating my narcissistic tendencies by sending me this photograph.
Finally, something that has little or nothing to do with me- Dean Guitars is making a guitar available that pays homage to the German guitar playing brothers Michael and Rudolf Schenker from the Michael Schenker Group and the Scorpions respectively. I would like to meet the person who buys the guitar for they are a truly special person for reasons I can’t even get into right now.
Apr
Posted on 4th April 2007
Here is great video by my friends Kristen and Kurt. Watch it now or I will stab you. I hope you enjoy it so much.
Apr
Posted on 4th April 2007
Hump Day- am I right? That is a reference to the day that it is today, Wednesday. I imagine if I had a job where I had to not be in bed right now as i type this (actually, I am at a coffee shop, which is just as gay, even gayer even), the prospect of Hump Day would be of great concern to me. But since I am a self-made hundredaire, I laugh at such things, heartily in fact. And then I put some pants on and stare blankly out the window for a while.
Anyway, I’m not really sure what all that bullshit in the first paragraph was about. I’m projecting maybe. Whatever that means. More importantly, however, above is a photo I took on my cellular telephone yesterday of two dogs totally just hanging out in the window of a hair salon that I have contemplated going in many times solely because they have these two cool dogs hanging out inside. “Come for the dogs, stay for the layers that will take a couple weeks to get used to!” That is just one of the many clever slogans that I have come up with for the hair salon in question in my spare time. I know, I know, How do I do it? Anyway, these dogs seemed like tons of fun. I imagine the owners say stuff like “That’s (insert name of sleeping bulldog here)- he just likes to lie around a lot. Yes, he’s a shleepy, shleepy dog! Aren’t ya, (insert name of sleeping bulldog here). And that’s (insert name of French Bulldog that is looking around vigilantly here)- he’s our watchdog! He’s a tough little guy! Watch out! No, I’m just kidding- he won’t hurt you.” And then they will start asking you about what you want to do with your hair. Maybe you’ll pick up a book or magazine and point to a picture of someone with really great hair and you’ll say “That! Make me look like that!” And then the hair-cutting person will say “Ha! I am not a miracle worker! No, just kidding- you are a much better looking man than Lorenzo Lamas.” The next thing you know you are out 100 bucks and your friends are all like “Wow- you are really going for it. Good for you! Good. For. You. I think it is so great that you’re still at it.”
Apr
Posted on 3rd April 2007
Today is Tuesday and I am back like some kind of motherfucker or something. Well, sort of anyway. At least today is better than yesterday, a day on which I was just not full-on Dave for some reason. Things picked up later in the day though as I went for a walk and happened upon the puppy in the photo above. He (or she. I’m not sure- couldn’t see the crotch) was just hanging out in a pet store window on Christopher Street (I think) here in the West Village, where I am totally living like a motherfucker these days. I’m not sure what kind of dog he is, but something tells me he is going to grow up to look adorable in little knit outfits and such. I tried to get a nice photo of him looking at me straight on but then he turned away, the little fucker. Keep that up, little dog, and you’ll die in that pet store window! No, wait, that’s too harsh. Anyway, he was a cute one and made me believe in life and love once again, if only for a moment before I returned to the embrace of a dark world view.
Last night I did the show Totally JK at Rififi, hosted by Joe Mande and Noah, whose last name I don’t know right now (but I will someday!). They are two really funny guys. I had to run out to a high powered meeting right after I performed so I missed the rest of the show, but I had good times while I was there. Speaking of shows, on Thursday I am doing a new show at the PIT over there on 29th Street hosted by Livia Scott. The e-flyer for it is totally right above this paragraph. It should be fun times. Totally go!
This morning I appeared in a comedic video being shot by some friends for the magical Internet. My friend whose apartment the shoot was totally at had an issue of Playgirl Magazine on her coffee table. Since I am so totally not gay that it is not even fucking funny, I had never actually looked at Playgirl before but I decided to give it a whirl just so I knew what I was talking about next time the topic of donger porn came up. To be honest I was expecting Playgirl to be full of dudes with big swinging dicks, the kind that cause entire city blocks to be bathed in shadow. Surprisingly, however, most of the dudes in the magazine seemed to have pretty average dongers, so average in fact that I was like “Whoa, dude- you really think you should be advertising the fact that you totally don’t have a huge donger like that?” I mean, I’m just sayin.’ It seems like if you’re gonna take your donger out and pose for photos in a magazine, you should have a big crazy donger that will really get people talking. Then people will be all like “Oh, I totally get why he took his donger out and showed it in that magazine. It is on the large size and- understandably- he wants to the world to know.” Then again, what the hell do I know? This entire last paragraph aside, I try not to spend too much time thinking about any dongers other than my own (which happens to be completely tiny. Ha! That is a joke! In fact, it is quite the opposite. Just ask your mother! Ha! There I go with the jokes again. Guess who is on fire! This guy!).
Hmmm, I don’t really want to finish this entry with talk of dongers so I will have to think of something else to talk about for a second. Oh, I here is a picture of some hot chick being ripped off by a band of gypsy ducks. It is now that I have seen everything. Am I right or am I right? Am I right?
Apr
Posted on 2nd April 2007
Mondays- am I right? It is so gray outside. I am listening to old Van Halen records to try and turn things around and so far it’s not working that much. But I think things should kick in shortly, probably after the guitar solo. I can feel it, dammit.
Anyway, above is a photo of my rock band Valley Lodge rocking out at Mercury Lounge this past Thursday (Thanks to Joel for the photograph). As you can see from the photo, we are now a power trio as our man John Kimbrough has moved to Los Angeles. Phil, the bearded bass player, thinks he has man-boobs in this photo but I disagree. They look like awesome pecs to me. I was hoping I would be shredding in this photograph but it looks like I’m just playing a chord or something. Trust me though- I can shred like a motherfucker, though- to be fair- I think I have man-boobs sometimes too. I guess we all have those days.
In other news, on Friday I bought a jar of McClure’s Pickles, made by my friend Bob and his pickle-making family. I think I have mentioned them here before but they are so good it is worth mentioning them again. I never really consired myself a “pickle guy” until recently, having discovered McClure’s Pickles, Wheelhouse Pickles, and Bruno’s Peppers (which are not pickles but a pickle product so I am counting them anyway). Now I’m all eating pickles like a motherfucker. Shit is cluttering up my fridge and everything. If you ask me, pickles are the new indie rock. Watch out for them. Do not resist them. Let them get all up in your shit. They will change you.
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