Jul
Posted on 19th July 2006
Today I went to the Mexican border to hang out with Minutemen. For real. For the unitiated, Minutemen are people who take it up on themselves to help secure the U.S. borders against invasion by illegal aliens or- in this case- Mexicans. It was pretty interesting. And hot. All I could think of when I stared over into Mexico was all the delicious food that must be just a short distance away once I climbed over those barbed wire fences, but the Minutemen told me it really wasn’t like that and that I totally shouldn’t climb over the fence. I had fun anyway though. It was kind of like being in the popular movie “Kill Bill” and then some other movie that involves the desert at some point.
Anyway, the top picture is of the Mexican border in Palominas, Arizona. The closer fence (if you can see it) is the one built by the Minutemen. It’s not that tall and looks like it would be easy to hop over but the Minutemen were still pretty sure it was a really good fence even though I kept telling them it wasn’t. The fence behind that one is the one built by the U.S. government at some point or another. It’s a pretty crappy fence too, which is something the Minutemen agreed with me about.
We didn’t end up seeing any Mexicans trying to cross the border but we did see some driving by, which was exciting for me. I took some more pictures too. The second one is of some branches and rocks on the ground and then there is also the shadow of me taking the picture. As you can tell, it is artistic in nature. The picture below that is of my arm. I forgot to put sunscreen on my arms and they got a serious sunburn. It’s actually not that painful unless I think about it, in which case it really is.
As I type this, I am in Los Angeles where I just showed up an hour or so ago. More hijinx on the books for tomorrow. And hopefully more Mexicans. I’m on their side.
Jul
Posted on 18th July 2006
Today I flew from New York City to scenic Tucson, Arizona, a place I have never been before to the best of my knowledge (NOTE: I might have been here when I was little or something and just not remember but I doubt it- I don’t think the family station wagon ever made it west of Wyoming as far as I know). I am here shooting something for a soon-to-be-wildly-popular cable television program that I totally am on.
Along the way to Tucson, I had a layover in Houston (Sorry, no direct flights today, even for huge stars like me), where- against my better judgment and mostly out of boredom- I got a big BBQ’d meat (beef or pork, I’m not sure which really) sandwich at a place called Harlan’s BBQ. It was pretty good but entirely unnecessary. I thought about getting an ice cream cone after that but I pulled myself together and decided against it in the end.
Also in the Houston airport, they hade these cool planes on the floor (pictured above) that I snapped a photo of shortly after eating the sandwich mentioned in paragraph two. I’d love to have planes on the floor in my house someday. There at the airport they weren’t that cool really. I think I like planes out of context better. At the airport they mainly just made me think more about how I was at the airport, which I don’t really like that much. But if you had planes on the floor of your home you could make up fun stories about the planes and where they were going and you could imagine all the people inside the planes too and all the crazy shit they must be up to in their spare time. That would be fun pretty much any time of the day if you ask me, especially at breakfast when you’re too tired to do much else except for eating and making up stories about people flying in planes. Kids would probably really like seeing the planes on your floor too whether they were yours or someone else’s. I imagine they would make up some fun stories about them too. See? Having planes on your floor is pretty much great for everybody. Unless, of course, the planes made you think of Sept. 11 or something, in which you can’t come over to my house. The last think I need is your ass bringing me down. I invited you over because I thought we were going to have fun, dammit! And now you’re just bringing everybody down. What the hell is wrong with you anyway?
Jul
Posted on 16th July 2006
In keeping with my penchant for writing about products of late, I just wanted to point out that I am still staying at my friend Matt’s house and have just finished using one of his fancy new razors to shave the fuck out of my face. The razor I used to make it all happen was not unlike the razor the guy in the photo above is holding only the handle is black instead of silver. It did have that fluorescent green color all over it though, which leads me to believe that it is either extreme or specifically tailored for people with on-the-go lifestyles or something.
Anyway, I got the party started first by taking Matt’s electric trimmer and cleaning up my sideburns a bit. They had been getting a bit fierce of late so I need to rein them in a bit, especially with this heat and all. Once I had that situation under control and rubbed some soap suds on my face (couldn’t find Matt’s shaving cream. Dammit) and then I just started shaving the fuck out of my face, whipping that crazy black and green razor all over the place. Now I have such a close shave that motherfuckers don’t even know what to say about that shit. Also, I made my sideburns about an inch shorter, which makes my face look either fatter or thinner. I can’t tell which just yet. Maybe I’ll just let the people decide.
Okay, well that pretty much covers it for me at this point. I haven’t showered in two days and smell like I haven’t showered in a couple weeks, so I’m thinking of tackling that situation next. I’ll let you know how it goes. Should be a scorcher.
Jul
Posted on 15th July 2006
Yesterday I went with my friend Matt to the popular new Fairway market/grocery store type place in Red Hook, Brooklyn. Matt was going away for the weekend and wanted to load up on going-away-for-the-weekend type foods, like chips and dips and assorted meats and stuff like that. I was extremely hung over and thought hanging out in a fancy grocery store might help distract me from my overwhelming desire to be dead. (I went out the night before and accidentally drank a bunch of tequila and vodka, both of which I rarely drink but for some reason or another I thought it was a really good idea at the time. I alienated a bunch of people in the process. I guess that’s sometimes what it takes to learn some of life’s lessons. My apologies to the handful of people who will probably never talk to me again or at least not invite me anywhere. Also, please note in general that I don’t advocate the party lifestyle, kids, even though- to be fair- it does have its moments).
Anyway, at the grocery story I was pretty excited by all the fancy food they had there. They had a pretty impressive array of cheeses, which I was pretty into. Still, I lack the necessary maturity and sophistication to shop for high end cheese on my own so I decided to totally not buy any high end cheese. Instead I bought a rack of ready-to-eat BBQ ribs (delightful), some potato chips (an adventure pick- I almost never buy these), and some sort of fruit beverage that I thought might help cure my hangover (It didn’t). Since I am watching Matt’s dog for the weekend, he bought my food for me, which was really nice of him.
The most exciting food item I stumbled upon at Fairway was Butterfinger Hot Cocoa Mix (pictured above). At just $2.19 a box, it was pretty much priced to move. I tried to talk Matt into buying it for his getaway weekend, but he wasn’t into it. Given my compromised state and all, it seemed like something I couldn’t really handle at the moment but I was still pretty excited about it just in principle. After all, I really like those Butterfinger candy bars and I really like hot chocolate, so it only stands to reason that I would seriously be loving that Butterfinger Hot Cocoa stuff. Maybe when the cold weather comes and I am no longer near death, I can get it together to pick up a box or two and invite a few friends over for a delicious Butterfinger-flavored beverage. Talk about a recipe for good times. I just nailed it.
Jul
Posted on 12th July 2006
This morning I decided to do a little grocery shopping because I was hungry and- as buying food goes- a grocery store is pretty good place to start. Since I didn’t want to get too crazy or anything, I decided to focus on the task at hand and only buy stuff that I planned on eating immediately. To that end, I bought a half gallon of milk, some bananas, and some Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes with 1/3 less sugar than the regular Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. Not surprisingly, the Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes with 1/3 less sugar than the regular kind are exactly 1/3 less good than the regular kind. Still, 1/3 less good than the regular kind is still pretty darn good if you ask me, so- in keeping with my uncompromising health regimen- I don’t mind having 1/3 less fun while eating cereal. I ended up putting some of the bananas on top of the cereal anyway and that really seemed to add to the fun in a whole other way because of the fruit element, which is great.
Anyway, in addition to the above items, I also bought an Entenmann’s chocolate fudge cake. It’s not the kind of item I normally set out to the grocery store to buy, but whenever I notice them sitting there by the register I am always reminded how having a nice cake around is pretty much a recipe for instant good times. I guess that’s why they put the delicious cakes and cookies by the register in the first place. Anyway, I ended up buying one and have pretty much been eating the delicious cake and not doing much else ever since. Those cakes are popular for a reason, dammit. Man, are those Entenmann’s people onto something or what. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right?
As long as we’re on the topic of Entenmann’s, I wanted to point out that when the popular Entenmann’s dessert products first hit the market when I was a kid growing up in scenic Cleveland, Ohio, I somehow how thought they made everything right there in my hometown. I’m guessing it was the packaging that got me (which I’m guessing is exactly what the Entenmann’s people had in mind when they came up with the packaging. They are a Savvy bunch). Anyway, I was pretty excited that such delicious cakes and cookies were being made right there in my hometown. It was something to be proud of, I thought. Then one day I found out it wasn’t true and a bit of the magic was lost for me. The cake is still pretty good though. I also eat the cookies sometimes too. Generally speaking however, if you are looking to really ratchet things up a bit on the fun meter, getting a delicious cake is the way to go. I am alone today eating cake and I am having a serious blast. Imagine if I were to throw a couple friends into the mix. Now that would be one good time because everyone loves cake. Buy a delicious cake today and eat with some friends and then you will sit there and think about how you totally know what I am talking about. Just don’t buy any of that diet cake bullshit. What- are you f&%king kidding me? That is no fun.
Jul
Posted on 11th July 2006
Yesterday, while auditioning for a Domino’s pizza commercial (Yes, I know that may be the saddest start to any sentence ever), I- against all odds- ran into rock singer Joe Lynn Turner, whom classic rock fans should know from his work with such legendary bands as Deep Purple and Rainbow (He also sang with Yngwie Malmsteen for a bit too). Apparently Joe wrote the commercial for the Domino’s pizza commercial it is highly unlikely I will be in.
Anyway, meeting Joe Lynn Turner (who was super nice and has incredible hair) got me thinking about Rainbow. Joe was the third singer for Rainbow after Ronnie James Dio and Graham Bonnet. Rainbow had some pretty sweet tunes with all three singers, but I’m particularly a sucker for “Since You’ve Been Gone” featuring Graham Bonnet. A lot of Rainbow fans thought the band had sold out and gone too commercial with this song, but I’m a sucker for this sort of thing so I say bring it on.
Getting back to Joe Lynn Turner however, he joined the band after Rainbow guitarist and band leader Ritchie Blackmore kicked Graham Bonnet out of the band for getting all wasted onstage at Castle Donington in 1980. And Joe did a bang up job if you ask me.
What is my point with all of this, you ask? Well, I’m not really sure. But I hope you enjoy this song and video on some level or another. It sure beats the crap out of the Kelly Clarkson song of the same name. Dammit.
Thanks for rocking, as they say.
Jul
Posted on 11th July 2006
Here is the video I mentioned a couple posts ago. It debuted on Salon.com a week or so (maybe you heard of the ensuing pandemonium surrounding this) and now I am releasing it to the masses like a motherf%#ker or something. Anyway, recently- in an effort to become pretty fucking sweet at acting and stuff- I took a class in something called actor’s movement. It was really great and that is what this video is about. I hope you like it so much.
Jul
Posted on 7th July 2006
Is is hot enough for you? Now there is one question I find myself both asking and answering with increasing regularity this time of year, especially on days when it is seriously hot outside.
As questions go, “Is it hot enough for you?” is a pretty good one for any number of reasons. For starters, it is has to do with the weather and- as anyone who has ever even tried to have a conversation with another human being will tell you- drawing attention to the current weather situation is a pretty surefire way to get the ball rolling. The problem, however, is that when most people attempt to strike up a conversation with another person by mentioning the weather, they go about it in completely the wrong way by saying something like “Man, it is so how out here today!” Right out of the gate, they’ve made like five or six mistakes and shouldn’t be surprised if the person to whom they’ve said such a thing completely refuses to talk to them at all. First of all, it is an extremely aggressive statement as it pretty much demands that the person to whom it is directed agree with you rather than say how they really feel about the current weather situation for fear that you might stab them or something. Also- given the fact that roughly 51% of the world’s population is female, odds are pretty good that you’ve completely offended the person to whom you’ve made this statement by suggesting they in fact have the appearance of a man. Take it from me, this is not the way to go about impressing the ladies should that be your aim. You will have pretty much torpedoed things from the get go and can pretty much expect to die alone unless you turn things around pretty darn quickly.
Anyway, getting back to the “Is it hot enough for you?” question, it’s pretty much guaranteed to be a winner every time. For one, it lets the person you’re asking know that you are interested in what they have to say about things. “If this guy wants to know what I think about the weather, imagine what other matters he might be interested in getting my opinion on! I am flattered by his interest in what I have to day!” the person will undoubtedly think to themselves and with good reason. Also, asking someone if it is hot enough for them will let them know right away that you are hilarious and fun to be around as the answer to this question is invariably and most definitely “Yes!” “Is it hot enough for me, you ask? That is a ridiculous and hilarious question since it is clearly quite hot outside to the point of discomfort! Who in their right mind would wish it to be hotter? Would your last name be Rickles by any chance?,” your new friend will most likely reply just as soon as they have been asked this great question about the weather. And then they will be left to wonder what other tricks you might have up your sleeve and- in an effort to find out as soon as possible- will jump right into a conversation with you before they know what hit them. It is pretty much off to the races at this point. And all of this is because you’ve just asked them a seriously great question that pretty much never fails to make others perk up and want to be your friend.
Once you’ve got the whole “weather conversation” out of the way, you can dive into any number of other topics you might be interested in exploring with your new friend, such as whether or not the person would be willing to loan you money or what is their discomfort level with the idea of you having sex with their wife. And all of this is because you have taken the time to get started on the right foot with them. Give yourself a pat on the back, fella- you are unlikely to die alone.
Of course, all of the above is only effective for so long because at some point the leaves will start to turn, a frost will slowly begin to cover the ground, and next thing you know it’s the dead of winter. It is at this point that you should seriously consider asking someone this question: Is it cold enough for you?
Guess who just got invited over for Christmas dinner.
Jul
Posted on 5th July 2006
Jul
Posted on 3rd July 2006
If you are looking for Internet excitement, you should totally go and watch a new video of mine that is up on the popular Salon website on the Internet. Really, it would mean a lot to me if you did so go and watch it now before I go cutting myself again. Wait, no, that’s too harsh. But go watch it, you know, if you want and stuff. That would be so great.
