|Dick Cavett on the Dave Hill Explosion Oct. 22 at UCB||
Hello. Must type quickly. Warden is coming. I just wanted to let you know that the legendary Dick Cavett will be the guest on my popular Dave Hill Explosion show on Thursday, October 22 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. I know- I can’t believe it either. More details to follow or something, but in the meantime you can get tickets right here.
|The Birds in Review: A Review of The Birds||
Last night I watched “The Birds,” the popular Alfred Hitchcock film in which a bunch of birds are total dicks to every human in sight for no apparent reason other than the fact that they are birds and they have been putting up with people’s bullshit for way too long now. The movie stars Tippi Hedren, an uptight superfox who manages to look totally bangable even when she is being attacked by birds, has just been attacked by birds, or is just standing there wondering whether or not she is about to be attacked by birds. Despite being totally bangable, however, it should be noted that Tippi Hedren wears pretty much the same green outfit through pretty much the whole movie while those around her enjoy multiple wardrobe changes throughout the film, all of which can only mean one thing- Tippi Hedren is a skank.
The movie “The Birds” starts off in a pet store where Rod Taylor, who has also been on “Murder, She Wrote,” is seriously thinking about buying some birds when he runs into Tippi Hedren, who is a total bitch to him. And even though she is a total bitch you can tell they both want to bang each other regardless of whether or not they are going to have their asses handed to them by a shitload of irritable birds later in the movie.
In hopes of getting banged by Rod, Tippi later shows up at Rod’s mother’s house in the town of Bodega Bay, which is a totally made up name if you ask me. Along the way, she runs into Suzanne Pleshette, who is easily as bangable as Tippi Hedren and has the good sense to change up her outfit every once in a while so we all know she is not a total ho. Suzanne and Tippi end up sitting around smoking and drinking together and the viewer is led to believe there is a seriously good chance they are about to lez out but it turns out the movie was made in 1963 so the odds of them lezzing out isn’t really very good at all. You can tell they were thinking about it though.
After Suzanne and Tippi end up not lezzing out, the birds, mentioned earlier, start going totally apeshit on everyone in the town and it is awesome. At first they just start pecking at people just to keep them on their toes but once they get a taste of some old guy’s eyeballs it’s pretty much game on and they start attacking everyone in sight like it’s some sort of fucking contest or something. They even kill Suzanne Pleshette and she is one of the biggest stars in the movie. To her credit though, Suzanne Pleshette still looks totally bangable even after being killed by those a-hole birds.
After Suzanne dies, Tippi, Rod, and Jessica Tandy, whom you no doubt remember from such films as “Driving Miss Daisy” and “Fried Green Tomatoes”, end up trapped inside a house together with some annoying little girl who is supposedly Rod’s sister even though there is about a 30-year age difference between them and Jessica Tandy would have to have had some sort of super vagina to crank out both of them in a single lifetime. Anyway, Rod boards up all the windows but that’s still not enough to stop those fucking birds from opening up the biggest can of bird-based whup-ass on them I have ever seen.
Once the birds finally decide to stop their full-on avian assault and take a breather, everyone instantly assumes it’s safe to go outside again, so they jump into their car and take Tippi to the hospital because she is bleeding all over the place and making a mess of the car. At this point in the movie she can do little else besides stare off into the distance looking like a totally bangable superfox who is also a skank. That’s how badly those birds kicked her ass.
In the last scene in the movie, Rod, Tippi, Jessica, and the annoying little girl drive off into the sunset while all the birds just sit there watching them, comfortable in the knowledge that if Tippi Hedren even thinks about coming back to that house again they will fuck her shit up so fast it’s not even fucking funny.
Run, don’t walk, to see this movie.
I am headed to London for a few days for general taking over purposes, including but not limited to doing some promo stuff for my wildly popular “King of Miami” program on the UK channel Film 24 (Sky channel 157) and performing on the Story Pirates’ Story Club at the Wilmington Arms. Info is here. If you are in London, please come out and do your best not to pelt me with anything. Other than that and a few other things of great importance, I will be walking around a lot and stuff. Try not to pelt me with anything then either. What’s with all the pelting? Seriously- cut it out.
|Kimbrough for the Win!||
Congrats to my good buddy and fellow Valley Lodge bandmate John Kimbrough for making the Emmys his bitch for the second time now by bringing home the Emmy along with Dan Harmon, Rob Schrab, Ben Schwartz (Congrats, Ben!) and William Ross for writing the sweet opening number at this year’s Oscars. It must be noted that John used my Ronnie James Dio-autographed acoustic to compose this gem. Dio is everywhere. Be sure to check out John’s first band Walt Mink, which turned me on to his Satanic majesty in the first place, and check out this Kimbrough-penned Valley Lodge rock jam for free download right here. This jam is called “Barricade” and is full of all sorts of the kind of Kimbrough shredding that made me fall in love with the man in a totally not gay way in the first place. I hope you enjoy it like a motherf@#ker.
|iLarious iPhone Apps||
If you have an iPhone, I strongly recommend you get some of the new iLarious iPhone apps, including iGgression and iNabler, both of which are endlessly. I’m especially into the iGgression one. You can learn all about both and iLarious in general right here. Recently, I appeared in a handful of ads for both. You can watch them above. I hope you enjoy them a whole bunch.
|Claywoman Tonight at the Bleecker Street Theatre||
If you’re looking to have your mind bended and your ass handed to you all at once, go see Claywoman aka my friend Michael Cavadias, a genius and major freak, tonight at the Bleecker Street Theatre at 11pm in New York City. I can’t even get into it right now, so I’ll let Lady Bunny (speaking of geniuses and major freaks) run with the ball and tell you what you’re in for right here. Get tickets here or here or I’ma cut you.
|The Dave Hill Explosion with Janeane Garofalo, Chris March, + Bronte’s Inferno TOMORROW at UCB. So There.||
Attention People of New York City:
Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to remind you one last time that TOMORROW, which is to say September 17 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, I will be bringing the heat not unlike some sort of winged and irritable mythological beast known for its heatbringing capabilities throughout the underworld and also parts of Canada in the form of my seriously great nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion, what critics are already calling “soaring and joyful,” “moving,” and “like that ‘Puppetry of the Penis’ show only with more ambitious nutwork.” I really can’t get into things too much right now because I am in minute 19 of this 20-minute mud mask and last time I left it on too long I learned the hard way why all the instructions on the jar are in bold red type. There is only so much makeup and lighting the union guys can do to hide very permanent scarring and I really cannot take that chance again. Also, as fun as it seemed at the time, in retrospect the hospital gown and catheter were major dignity stealers. You can quote me on that. Anyway, I really hope you can come to my show as I will be bringing so much entertainment to the people that it’s a wonder that I don’t charge six bucks (still five, still street). And, of course, I will be joined on my show by such incredible guests as the lovely and talented Janeane Garofalo, the lovely and talented Chris March from the popular ‘Project Runway’ program, and also the critically acclaimed emo rock band Bronte’s Inferno, who will move you to tears with their songs about crying. My sidebitch Phil will also be there, bearded yet shaved (if you know what I mean. I am referring to his chest and privates. That is what I mean). I really hope you can make it. If you like a classy time, you can get tickets right here.
|Dio Does Doo-Wop||
My friend David hipped me to this. It’s the great Ronnie James Dio, whom you no doubt know as the singer for Dio, Black Sabbath, Rainbow, and Heaven and Hell among others, singing doo-wop with one of his first groups, Ronnie and the Red Caps. If you listen closely, you can still hear shades of “Holy Diver” in the there. The man is the king. I was lucky enough to have him on my Dave Hill Explosion show in Los Angeles a couple years ago. It was an awesome experience. Here are Ronnie and I hanging out and just sort of being badasses in general:
And here is Dio being a total badass without me:
|Dear Hugh Jackman #2: A Bump in the Road||
Mondays- am I right? Do not even get me started on this topic. Before I go getting all whiny about things though, first things first- how are you? Awesome, I bet. After all, you are Hugh Jackman. I imagine “awesome” is pretty much the default setting and then it just escalates into varying degrees of awesomeness, not unlike your popular Wolverine character, who defied our expectations, forced us to set all new expectations, and then defied all those expectations we had just finished setting while watching you in such films as “Wolverine” (full title “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”), “X-Men”, and “X2” (also known as “X-Men 2: X-Men United” or “X-Men 2: X-Men Unis” as it is known to your French followers).
I suppose at this point you are wondering how I am even though we have never actually met. This is because you are Hugh Jackman, a man who takes the time to wonder how his admirers are actually doing, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for John Travolta, Tate Donovan, and a handful of other so-called “stars” who came dangerously close to having an awareness group (or “fan club” as they are sometimes known in circles of people who don’t “get it”) formed in their honor by me, Dave Hill, a man who doesn’t go forming awareness groups for just anybody, thank you very much.
Anyway, to answer your question, I am good mostly. I won’t lie to you though- the Jackmen (the non-profit organization devoted to raising awareness of you, Hugh Jackman, in North America that I told you about last time. Duh.) have hit a few bumps in the road. For starters, we (and when I say we I mean me and the several other people who are committed to spending our time promoting Jackmania© in its various forms) are having trouble getting officially recognized in the eyes of the IRS as a non-profit organization and/or religious group no matter how many faxes I send and as a result I am facing all sorts of headaches as a result of simply accepting the $1000 setup fee required of all members or “Jackmen” upon admission to our group (like this is a “profit.” It barely even covers the robes!).
Adding to insult to injury is the fact that the new Wolverine jacket (old one not tight enough) I ordered in the mail arrived and is clearly burgundy with cream stripes when the Wolverine jacket you wore in the hit movie “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” mentioned earlier, is clearly brown with orange stripes. It is as if the manufacturer decided to just show up at my house and fuck me in the face instead of simply giving me the goods that I paid for with my own money via check or money order. All of this, of course, reminds me of the kind of bullshit you had to endure at the hands of Victor Creed a/k/a Sabretooth as played by Hollywood’s Liev Schreiber in the hit movie “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” a/k/a the greatest movie of all-time.
Well, needless to say, we are both very busy men with a lot on our plates so it’s not like I can sit around just chit-chatting with you when there is much work to be done. Monday is paperwork day here at the home office of the Jackmen. Do not even get me started on this topic. I am out of carbon paper. File under: last thing I need.
Yours in all things Jackman,
|Me, Dave Hill, on the Reel Good Show with Bobby Miller||
Hi there. Recently, I was on the Reel Good Show with Bobby Miller. It was tons o’ fun. You can watch it above or you can go straight to source by clicking here. Really, it’s up to you. I hope you enjoy it so much.