Mar
Posted on 30th March 2012
Recently, I checked out an art exhibit based on dirt, detritus, and whatnot called “Swept Away” over there at the reputable Museum of Arts and Design here in New York City with Henry Alford from public radio’s Studio 360 program. A good time was had by all and we didn’t even get kicked out once we calmed the security guard down and stuff. Listen this weekend or listen right now by clicking here and then, you know, just sitting there and listening. If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to go to an art museum with me then, well, here you go.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 27th March 2012
Here’s something nice. I was just sitting here in my apartment, minding my own business mostly, when there was a weird buzzing sound that turned out to be my buzzer, which in turn signified that some guy was trying to deliver a package of some sort to me. I wasn’t expecting a package, so naturally my first inclination was to pepper spray him, which engraged him. It all worked out though, because after the burning went away, he delivered a mysterious package to me which turned out to contain the jacket for my book, which you can totally see in the photo above (that’s my hand holding it). I am really excited about how it turned out. It’s colorful and maybe even a little bit classy. Soon, there will be actual copies of the book. And then on May 22, people can actually buy and read the book (or they can pre-order before then, which is fine too). I guess what I really wanted to say is “Look at my cool book cover. I’m excited about it. Yeah!” Okay, that about covers it for now.
Still street,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 26th March 2012
Fucked again. Just when I thought the cracker industry was done making my life a living hell, I’ve just returned from the grocery store, where I was disturbed to find that the Nabisco people have gone and decided- without warning, mind you- to make their popular Original Premium saltine crackers in round form instead of the popular square shape that I and about 700 billion other people had been doing just fine with for pretty much as long as I can remember. I’m really not sure where to start with this one. First off, how are these “saltines” still “original” and “premium” if this is apparently an entirely new cracker that has gone out of its way to tell me to go fuck myself right there on the box? Riddle me that, Nabisco dicks. Secondly, it says on the box that these new bullshitty round crackers have the “same great premium taste” as the old awesome square crackers even though they totally don’t and now everything is ruined. Instead of enjoying a delicious salty square cracker that I could easily put in soup or something but choose not to, I am sitting here like some kind of asshole eating a round sucky cracker that tastes totally different and now my life is a fucking mess. Why don’t the Nabisco people all pile into a van, drive over to my house, and fuck me in the face while they are at it? Also, I tried to spread some cheese onto these new round sucky crackers the exact same way I would have with the old, much better square crackers I am used to and the knife slipped off the cracker and plunged deep into my leg, severing all sorts of important veins and ruining my pantsuit in the process. Now I am bleeding everywhere and soon to be dead. My carpet is getting stained too and good luck getting all that blood out unless you are some kind of goddamn miracle worker. I probably won’t even get my deposit on this place back after everything that’s happened. This whole thing is basically fucked and I am tired of it.
Adding insult to injury in this cracker-based debacle is the fact that pretty much every other time I tried to buy the regular square saltines that everyone everywhere loves at the grocery store near my house, they were totally out (because- duh- everyone, even small children and pets, loves the original square saltine cracker and they are extremely hard to keep in stock no matter how hard you try, assholes). Needless to say, there was a seemingly endless supply of these new bullshitty round saltine crackers that nobody wants made by those cockteases at Nabisco. I could have bought like forty boxes of them if I wanted to. Instead, I bought just the one, thinking “Oh well, I guess the Nabisco people know what they’re doing. They are cracker professionals. Why don’t I give these new “crackers” a try? The odds of me accidentally stabbing myself as a result of eating these crackers probably aren’t very good at all.” The joke’s on me, though, as I sit here bleeding profusely, growing dizzy, and struggling to get my money’s worth (overpriced too) out of this basically fucked box of crackers I seriously doubt I will live long enough to even come close to finishing. I’m surprised the box didn’t come with a complimentary kick in the nuts or a free six-pack of Crystal Pepsi while they were at it. They might as well have written right there on the box something like “Dear Dave Hill- Thank you for your loyal cracker patronage all these years. As a special thank you, we would like to tell you to suck our balls and eat an entire box of our new round bullshitty saltines while you are doing it.” Yeah, right, Nabisco- like that’s even possible. Fucking dicks.
This consumer report has been brought to you by me, Dave Hill, a guy who has basically had it.
Whatever,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 22nd March 2012
Good afternoon. Before the Internet explodes, I wanted to mention a couple things to you quickly. First off, I wanted to tell you that TONIGHT at midnight (EST, I believe) I will be on the popular “Hoppus on Music” program on the Fuse channel talking about music and Mexican drug lords and looking incredible as always as I sit there with host and Blink-182 bassist Mark Hoppus, who also looks really great. You should totally watch it.
In other news, this past Tuesday night, I did my first ever public reading from my forthcoming soon-to-be bestseller Tasteful Nudes over there at Housing Works as part of the Slaughterhouse 90210 third anniversary blowout. I was super nervous as I had never read anything from my book anywhere else besides my apartment and in my brain. I thought maybe I would get pelted with things but instead it went well and there were even snacks. That is a picture of me totally reading from my book above. For a full recap of the night, click here.
Thank you so much,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 21st March 2012
Attention People of New York City:
Must type fast because the lady says I am not allowed to use the computer at the library anymore after what happened even though they can’t prove anything. Anyway, I just wanted to remind you one last time that TOMORROW, which is to say Thursday, March 22 at 9:30pm, I will be walking out on stage at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in scenic Chelsea and bringing the heat once more in the form of my critically-acclaimed and seriously-incredible-and-you-can-ask-anyone nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion. As many of you who have been following my career from the very beginning are well aware, this is my first Explosion in a seriously long time and- as a result of this and other contributing factors- I will be breaking out so much incredible new stuff you will probably have a seizure or- at the very least- cause your loved ones to become deeply concerned for your well-being and hair. In short, I am bringing my snow machine and some other stuff that most people can’t even handle too, basically whatever I can fit into my bag. As if all of that is not enough, I will be joined TOMORROW by show business professional Jon Benjamin, whom you no doubt know from his work on the popular programs “Bob’s Burgers”, “Archer”, and many more, and also incredible singer/songwriter/author/person Suzzy Roche, whom you no doubt know from the Roches and she also totally wrote a book called Wayward Saints too, which rules. And of course, I will also be joined TOMORROW by my sidebitch Phil and the Minister of Foam and Other Stuff Mr. Carl Arnheiter from parts unknown. Also, I will make out with you and come over to your house if you want. Okay, great- see you TOMORROW. You can get tickets right here.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 21st March 2012
Recently, I was asked by the editors of Rookie Magazine (which is basically the greatest magazine for teenage girls ever and also probably the greatest magazine of all-time anyway so there) to do their “Ask a Grown Man” thingy in which a grown man (in this case, me) answers questions sent in by Rookie Magazine readers, who are totally teenage girls and also maybe the occasional weirdo pretending to be a teenage girl in his spare time. I can’t imagine any teenage girl would have taken any advice from me when I was a teenage boy, but now that I am totally a grown man I am hoping they listen and listen good. You can watch the whole thing above or go the extra mile and read all the stuff that goes along with the video and then watch the video too by clicking here, which is what I would do if I were you. Also, I am a grown man.
Still street,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 20th March 2012
Hi. It’s Dave again. Recently (though for the life of me I can’t remember when), I sat down with Topman comedy editor and known prick Harry Deansway for an interview. I can’t remember if he was interviewing me or it was the other way around, but either way now it’s a thing on the Internet for people to read in their spare time. You can and should read the whole thing right here. I hope you enjoy it so much. And how about this weather? People need to stop it with all the hairspray already. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right?
Your man,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 18th March 2012
This past weekend, when I was just minding my own business really, I noticed this amazing, touching, and just a little bit creepy tweet from hilarious writer, comedian, actor, and man-about-town Ted Travelstead. “This is NOT a paid advertisement. @mrdavehill book changed my life! I FEEL SO FREE! http://twitpic.com/8xr2r4 Preorder now! http://amzn.to/yW7Glc“, Ted so nicely wrote. I love Ted’s work, am extremely impressed by his beard, and find him to be a delightful gentleman in person, so I was thrilled that he wrote such a nice thing about my book on Twitter, the popular microblogging site. Since I was slightly hammered and checking Twitter on my phone in the back of a cab at the time, though, I somehow missed the photo he attached (and I posted above so you get fired from your job if you happen to be viewing this at work) the first time around. A few minutes later, however, I revisited his tweet and noticed the above image that I shall now be forever unable to erase from my memory. Needless to say, I am touched, slightly overwhelmed, and perhaps even a bit concerned by Ted’s wonderful gesture. I encourage you to download this photo of Ted with my book covering his downtown real estate and make it your new desktop wallpaper today. In fact, it would be weird not to. Oh, and if you feel like buying my book, stripping naked, lathering yourself up, and covering your crotch with it, I certainly won’t stop you. Ted and I both thank you in advance. For more scantily clad hilarity from Ted, click here. Ted doesn’t shame the body and I salute that.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 16th March 2012
Hi. As many of you are well aware, I can’t stop rocking. And now, in addition to my other rock exploits, I am playing guitar with my friend Phil in his new project PCP (Phil Costello Project). Phil is one of the most rocking dudes of all-time and one of the best musicians and songwriters I’ve ever known. He’s been the brains and balls behind countless bands, including but not limited to Children of the Unicorn, Diamondsnake, Tragedy, and Satanicide. With PCP, Phil will bringing the heat for an evening of a bunch the best songs he’s ever written as a member of all those bands and also some hot new jams he has cooked up without even really trying. Phil will sing and play guitar, I’ll play guitar like a mofo, Paul Bertolino will play drums, and Patrick Quade holding it down on bass. Together, we will bring the rock heat together as PCP for the first time ever on earth on Saturday, March 24th at the Mercury Lounge over there on Houston. You should totally come. Get tickets and/or more info here.
Still street,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 15th March 2012
This past Monday, I participated in another Uptown Showdown, a debate series put on by the classy people at Symphony Space (The word symphony is right there in the name. Instant class. Also, there were snacks in the dressing room. Class). The topic this time around was “Fashion v. Comfort”. As you can probably imagine, I was on the fashion team along with the extremely fashionable Elna Baker and Kevin Townley. On the comfort team were those bastards Tom Shillue, Michael Ian Black, and Tom Cavanagh, who it turns out is Canadian. The show was really fun and if you ask me it was totally a tie but then Tom Cavanagh took his shirt off and everyone was all like “Oh, look, the guy from the hit TV series ‘Ed’ took his shirt off!” and then those bastards won. Whatever.
After the debate part of things, Michael (Ian Black) read briefly from his sweet new book that you should totally buy right here unless you’re some kind of a-hole (and speaking of which, Amazon is offering a sweet deal if you buy my book and Michael’s book together. We are passing the savings on to you because we are both really rich and famous and don’t give a shit about money because we already have so much of it it’s more of a burden than anything else by now). Then Michael signed some books and a lot of chicks wanted to have sex with me.
As for my part of the debate, I read this thing I wrote about fashion earlier that day while I was riding the bus all by myself. You can read the whole thing below. I hope you enjoy it so much:
FASHION VS. COMFORT BY ME, DAVE HILL
Fashion- will we ever really understand it? Probably not. But one thing I can tell you for sure is that nine times out of ten, it’s totally better to embrace fashion and look as incredible as possible rather than just wear whatever crappy looking crap you feel like wearing at the time. And as for that one time out of ten in the scenario I just mentioned, it is reserved specifically and only for supermodel Giselle Bundchen, who could probably just poke a few holes in a garbage bag, put it on, and still look really great and you can ask anyone. Also, Giselle Bundchen had sex with football’s Tom Brady.
Anyway, In simpler times, like in old timey movies and photographs, for example, people would dress up for dinner, routine court appearances, and even when they flew on airplanes. I was not alive during this time but it is my understanding that the sex was incredible. Nowadays, people get on airplanes wearing flip flops, sweat pants, and novelty T-shirts from the popular Ron Jon surf shop as if they are about to take out the goddamn garbage or something. And I can tell you from firsthand experience that most of those people are lucky if they even get to second base during the flight or even during a quote unquote “Denver layover” despite its sexy implications.
As for me, recently, I boarded a commercial flight from LaGuardia airport here in town to the Canton Akron airport and had intercourse with half the people in coach and an entire family in business class without even really trying. Unsatiated, I then boarded a flight bound for Baltimore, during which I banged four flight attendants, fingered three first class passengers, and got a handjob from one member of the ground crew who wasn’t exactly crazy about rules. It should be noted that I did the exact same thing on the return flight from Baltimore to Akron 45 minutes later, albeit with mostly different people. The reason for everything I just mentioned is simple- the outfit I had on at the time was really, really great. I wore a three-piece suit with matching tie and handkerchief and not only did I fucking own Cinnabon before boarding the plane in all three cities, but once we got up to 40,000 feet I was everyone’s clear choice for most bangable fresh-faced boy-next-door type in coach and the TSA couldn’t say shit about it. I do not attribute any of this to my offbeat good looks, my ability to make light chitchat with just about anybody, or the fact that I smell incredible pretty much all of the time. It’s simply because- unlike everyone else on the plane- I somehow managed put out a little effort when it came time to get put some goddamn clothes on. My fellow passengers appreciated that, and- next thing I knew- I was making sweet, sweet love to a mother of three and her cousin Donna in the airplane restroom for like twenty minutes even though there was a line and the flight attendant with the mustache was kind of being a dick about it.
I realize it is at this point that you are thinking to yourselves, “But Dave, it’s so uncomfortable to get dressed up in fancy outfits all the time. It’s much easier and more comfortable to simply walk around in sweatpants or Jeggings all day and embrace the fact that we will all be dead soon.” And to that I say, “Pull yourself together, you selfish prick. Of course it’s more comfortable to dress like shit. But while you’re walking around in your coffee and urine-stained sweatpants and free promotional Newport Lights T-shirt, the rest of us are forced to look at you and make peace with the fact that there is just one thin layer of breathable cotton between your asshole and the rest of us and there’s nothing anyone can do about it so we’re all screwed basically.”
Tonight I stand before you a man of arts and letters and also with just slightly above average external male genitalia. The waistband of my pants is too tight, my tie is choking me, and I have draped my torso in so many layers of tactile and inviting fabric that I am in grave danger of having a seizure or at the very least pulling my groin at any moment. The important thing to remember, however, is I did it all for you, the ridiculously attractive and hopefully open-minded people I see sitting before me here tonight. I am in a great deal of pain, but if it means giving all of you a little eye candy for a few hours I’m happy to suffer through it.
To my right, sit my debate team partners, who are also looking seriously incredible and making a similar sacrifice just for you. To my left, sit three selfish bastards, two of whom you no doubt remember from the hit TV series “Ed”, all of whom are basically telling everyone here tonight to go fuck themselves by their manner of dress and also the suggestion that they intend to continue looking like hell for at least the foreseeable future. Personally, I think all you sexy, sexy people in the audience here tonight deserve better. Also, I would like to have intercourse with you, you know, if you want. Thank you.
Still street,
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