The Last Thing I Need

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Fucked again. Just when I thought the cracker industry was done making my life a living hell, I’ve just returned from the grocery store, where I was disturbed to find that the Nabisco people have gone and decided- without warning, mind you- to make their popular Original Premium saltine crackers in round form instead of the popular square shape that I and about 700 billion other people had been doing just fine with for pretty much as long as I can remember. I’m really not sure where to start with this one. First off, how are these “saltines” still “original” and “premium” if this is apparently an entirely new cracker that has gone out of its way to tell me to go fuck myself right there on the box? Riddle me that, Nabisco dicks. Secondly, it says on the box that these new bullshitty round crackers have the “same great premium taste” as the old awesome square crackers even though they totally don’t and now everything is ruined. Instead of enjoying a delicious salty square cracker that I could easily put in soup or something but choose not to, I am sitting here like some kind of asshole eating a round sucky cracker that tastes totally different and now my life is a fucking mess. Why don’t the Nabisco people all pile into a van, drive over to my house, and fuck me in the face while they are at it? Also, I tried to spread some cheese onto these new round sucky crackers the exact same way I would have with the old, much better square crackers I am used to and the knife slipped off the cracker and plunged deep into my leg, severing all sorts of important veins and ruining my pantsuit in the process. Now I am bleeding everywhere and soon to be dead. My carpet is getting stained too and good luck getting all that blood out unless you are some kind of goddamn miracle worker. I probably won’t even get my deposit on this place back after everything that’s happened. This whole thing is basically fucked and I am tired of it.

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Adding insult to injury in this cracker-based debacle is the fact that pretty much every other time I tried to buy the regular square saltines that everyone everywhere loves at the grocery store near my house, they were totally out (because- duh- everyone, even small children and pets, loves the original square saltine cracker and they are extremely hard to keep in stock no matter how hard you try, assholes). Needless to say, there was a seemingly endless supply of these new bullshitty round saltine crackers that nobody wants made by those cockteases at Nabisco. I could have bought like forty boxes of them if I wanted to. Instead, I bought just the one, thinking “Oh well, I guess the Nabisco people know what they’re doing. They are cracker professionals. Why don’t I give these new “crackers” a try? The odds of me accidentally stabbing myself as a result of eating these crackers probably aren’t very good at all.” The joke’s on me, though, as I sit here bleeding profusely, growing dizzy, and struggling to get my money’s worth (overpriced too) out of this basically fucked box of crackers I seriously doubt I will live long enough to even come close to finishing. I’m surprised the box didn’t come with a complimentary kick in the nuts or a free six-pack of Crystal Pepsi while they were at it. They might as well have written right there on the box something like “Dear Dave Hill- Thank you for your loyal cracker patronage all these years. As a special thank you, we would like to tell you to suck our balls and eat an entire box of our new round bullshitty saltines while you are doing it.” Yeah, right, Nabisco- like that’s even possible. Fucking dicks.

This consumer report has been brought to you by me, Dave Hill, a guy who has basically had it.

Dave Hill