Sep
Posted on 2nd September 2009
Dear Hugh Jackman,
You were in the hit movie “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” the popular film that- as hinted at in the title- chronicles the origins of your popular X-Men character Wolverine, which is awesome. They put you underwater in that movie and were total dicks about it, but you won in the end. According to my extensive and thorough research on you, Hugh Jackman, you are also going to be in the soon-to-be hit movie “Wolverine 2” (full title “X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2), which I am pretty sure is going to be just as awesome if not even more awesome than the first “Wolverine” movie (as if that is even possible). You were also in the films “Van Helsing” and “Making the Grade” and plus a lot of other movies besides those. I could go on, but I won’t.
I realize you already know all of the things in the first paragraph. You are not stupid. I mention these things only to demonstrate that this is the kind of Hugh Jackman knowledge I am able to break out on people- even you, Hugh Jackman- without even trying. This is because I am what I and a lot of other people consider to be the foremost authority in North America on all things Jackman. You might even say I have a serious case of Jackmania, which is a funny joke I made up about my enthusiasm for you, Hugh Jackman. Sometimes I will make this joke to friends and they will get a big kick out of it because they know how much I like Hugh Jackman (you).
I suppose at this point you are assuming that this is just another Hugh Jackman fan letter from just another Hugh Jackman fan. However, you would be beyond wrong about this. I do not blame you for this though. You are Hugh Jackman. I’m sure you get letters from all sorts of nutjobs all the time (Ha! I can only imagine!). Anyway, I think it’s pretty safe to say that we are both extremely relieved that I am not one of those quacks or “Jackquacks” (alternately “Jackoffs”) as I like to call them in my Hugh Jackman newsgroup (slogan “Jackman is spoken here”). I will say, however, that I am without a doubt your greatest admirer and have been ever since I got Jacked® for the very first time after watching “X-Men Origins: Wolverine”, the movie I was talking about earlier.
As we are both extremely busy men, I will not waste any of your time today and get right down to brass tacks (or perhaps I should say “Jack-tacks”! There I go with the jokes again). Recently I formed and appointed myself president of an organization called the Jackmen, a non-profit organization devoted to raising awareness of you, Hugh Jackman, in North America (with the exception of the Canadian province of Alberta. Fuck them). Please do not be alarmed by the name- membership in the organization remains open to both men and women. We are not exclusive (which is not to say that we let just anyone into our group- it’s just that we are not a pack of whackos like a lot of the other Jackman-based organizations out there today and I want to be clear on that. We don’t need another Paramus on our hands).
My question: would you be willing to donate any of your personal items to our organization for our upcoming fundraising auction? As you can probably imagine, running a group like ours is not cheap (far from it). Just the Wolverine jackets alone (required at official functions, optional but recommended at non-official functions) cost upwards of $300 (Yes, they make cheaper ones but we refuse to insult you by wearing those. Sorry, we’re not assholes). Being a Jackman-based group and all- we feel that Jackman-based items will undoubtedly be of greater interest than non-Jackman-based items at our auction, which is why I come to you, Hugh Jackman, with this matter. Please let me know what you think of all this when you get a chance. Literally any of your personal items will do because you are Hugh Jackman. However, please keep in mind that we already have a lot of the kind of stuff that you have thrown out with your garbage and/or left behind in any number of the places you have been.
In the interest of brevity, I will sign off for now. However, please do not hesitate to contact me with any questions.
Your Hugh-gest admirer,
Dave Hill
P.S.
Sometimes I stare at your name for so long it no longer makes any sense. Does that ever happen to you? Probably not, because you are Hugh Jackman.
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