I’m not sure how much I can really talk about this because we’re still in production and stuff, but here is a photo of me and my co-star Joe Franklin on the set of the exciting remake of “Twins,” the popular 1988 Danny DeVito/Arnold Schwarzenneger vehicle, that we have been tirelessly working on for the last six months. Holy Waterworld has it been a lot of work but I am proud to say that (so far) it has been absolutely worth it. Some days, though, I swear we just turn the cameras on and that’s all it takes to start making magic. The photo above is from a great scene that’s not in the original film where we run out of Scope and then decide that we better get some more Scope. I don’t want to ruin it for you but it culminates with me and Joe losing control of our Scope-filled shopping cart, which somehow ends up crashing through the front window of an all-you-can-eat shrimp restaurant that just happens to be owned by- wait for it- Queen Latifah! I don’t know how the crew managed to keep from laughing while shooting that one. I can’t wait to see the outtakes. And Latifah- if you are reading this- “this shrimp tastes funny!” Only Latifah will know what I mean by that. Ha! Love you, girl.
Here is a photo of me and Joe just hanging out on the set between shooting scenes. A funny story: I would spend a lot of my downtime on the set checking e-mail, hitting the chat rooms, and day trading and stuff on my laptop, which is a Mac. Joe, noticing it was a Mac, would say to me every time, “Dude- you gotta get a Dell!,” which I would laugh at despite myself pretty much every time. Then Joe would say, “Dave, you gotta take a break from that computer or your eyes are gonna fall out!,” which, of course, would get me to set the computer down and go get a donut or something. So, anyway, on one of these “computer breaks”, I head over to craft services, grab a donut, a few Kit Kats, and some melon and then head back to the couch. And when I return, guess who’s on my computer. Joe! So I say to him, “Hey, Joe- you better take a break from that computer or your eyes are gonna fall out!” Joe- not missing a beat- then picks up an entire pitcher of hot coffee and throws it in my face, giving me third-degree burns from my chest up. I was furious at first, but then just doubled over laughing (and KEPT laughing all the way to the E.R.). For some reason we just can’t stay mad at each other. We still laugh about that day. In fact, ever since then, whenever I ask for coffee on the set, Joe says, “I’ll get it, Dave!” And then I say, “No thanks, Joe! Remember what happened last time?” And then I show him my medical I.D. bracelet. I can’t believe I actually get paid to make this movie. I am having so much fun and have made a friend for life. And I can’t believe I get to work with Sam Mendes!
It’s Sunday and it’s feeling like a Thin Lizzy day for some reason. Then again, pretty much every day goes well with a little Thin Lizzy, one of the best band’s off all time in my expert opinion. This is a video for their song “Bad Reputation.” Pay special attention to the large metal Thin Lizzy logo hanging above them. Why every band doesn’t have one of these I will never know. Maybe sometimes the sign would get stuck in traffic and band couldn’t start the show without it. “Sorry, our drummer has to take a leak and also our giant metallic band logo is stuck in traffic,” the rock band member will say. “I guess we’ll need at least another fifteen minutes.” And no one will argue with him because it will have all made perfect sense. This is the world I would like to live in. Someday, someday. Until then, I can watch this video and dream.
|Video Vault: The Sheriff Of Prospect Park||
As part of my ongoing attempt to make people watch some of my older videos on the Internet until I am done making some new ones, I would like to encourage you to now watch my incredible video called “The Sheriff of Prospect Park”, featuring a star turn by that big fag David Rakoff, who probably has himself on Google alerts or something. Anyway, this video is from the future and also highly controversial, which is to say that some people didn’t like it. Maybe they just can’t handle art, the f#%kers. Anyway, check it out. I mean, hey, why not? If you’ve come to this page, you’ve obviously got the time. Ha! I make joke. I am thrilled you made time for me today. Without you, I might go back to being a cutter. Oh, who am I kidding? I am a cutter. I guess I just want to feel alive. Is that so wrong? I-I love you. Did I mention that? There- I said it. Are you happy now? Are you f#@king happy?! Alright, if you need me I’ll be in the basement watching my programs. But don’t bother me unless it’s absolutely necessary. And no, I don’t want any of your goddamn tuna casserole. I told you I hate tuna! I hate it!!!
|My Incredible YouTube Channel||
I have added some new videos to my incredible YouTube channel. Wait- just let that sink in for a second. Okay, now go watch the videos on my Youtube channel, which is located here. I should point out that the girls in the photo above are not in any of my YouTube videos. They are in my dreams though. No, just kidding- they are not in my dreams either. It was just something I was thinking for a second, not unlike the popular Billy Ocean song “Get Outta My Dreams” in which he asks the lady in the song to “get out of his dreams and into his car.” I imagine he couldn’t help but smile to himself when he thought of that line. It’s a pretty good one. Okay, um, anyway, that’s about it for now. Hurray for the Internet! The future is now!
|The Man Has Spoken||
Thanks to my friend Laura/Lisa for pointing this out to me first, but here are some sage words from the man himself, Dick Cavett, on talk show hosts of the past versus today’s crop. As usual, the man is right. Now would someone please send a car to Montauk and get that man back on the air?
As long as we’re on the topic, I’ve probably mentioned this here before, but I strongly recommend picking up any and all of the Dick Cavett Show DVDs now available through Shout Factory. Pop them in every night at eleven until this writers’ strike is over. It’s riveting television.
|The Death Of Postum||
It has come to my attention that Postum, the elusive wheat and molasses-based coffee substitute invented by known Seventh-day Adventist and cereal magnate C.W. Post as an alternative to the popular caffeine-based beverages (tea and coffee, mentioned earlier) that many Americans tend to start their day with, is no more. This news has come as a crushing blow to both Postum lovers and me, a guy who was just happy to know that a wheat and molasses-based beverage was out there if I ever wanted to try it.
The existence of Postum first came to my attention in the early ‘80’s when I was summering with my cousins at a resort off of Lake Champlain in Vermont. Basin Harbor, I think they called it. At the resort, we’d take each meal in a big dining room wearing dress attire. I always wore a kelly green blazer handed down to me from my brother. It was the only blazer I owned and was kind of embarrassing to wear every meal of the day, especially while eating in a dining room full of people who each owned more than one blazer, even the women. Then again, it kind of made me feel like I had just won the Masters every day. I guess I kind of miss that blazer now that I really think about it.
Anyway, that summer in the early ‘80’s, I noticed a peculiar item listed in the beverage section on the menu. “What’s Postum?,” I asked my uncle, a guy who would know from Postum, I thought.
“It’s kind of like coffee, only different,” he answered. My mind boggled. But since I was too young at the time to be ordering coffee, I figured I would also be too young to be ordering Postum and quickly gave up on the dream for the time being.
When I got back home to Cleveland later that summer, I found myself emboldened with a newfound determination to get to the bottom of this Postum business. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to let my age or the fact that I only owned one blazer that made me look like some kind of golf wunderkind get in the way of enjoying what I presumed to be the beverage of kings.
Fortunately for the young me, my family lived right down the street from a grocery store. With little notice to the rest of the family, I set out one day in search of Postum. Since I knew it was a beverage not unlike coffee according to my uncle, the detective in me knew to make a beeline right for the coffee aisle, judgment that would pay off big time because, well, it turns out that’s where they kept the Postum. There it was, nestled just to the left of the Folger’s Crystals and just south of the Nescafe and Sanka (coffee’s bitch, depending on whom you ask). There were only three or four jars of it, just enough to let the consumer know that this store wasn’t fucking around as far as Postum was concerned. I reached up and grabbed a jar and quickly pulled it to my face to take in its vacuum-sealed aroma and examine its contents. The front label played it pretty close to the vest- “instant hot beverage” it read simply. On the back, however, the truth came out- wheat, molasses, some other stuff. “That’s disgusting,” I thought. I set the jar back on its shelf and gave little thought to the topic of Postum ever again.
Until now, that is.
News of Postum’s demise first reached me through the Internet (and, to be fair, I have not seen nor heard of it mentioned elsewhere since). As it turns out, Mormons have been hit the hardest by the absence of the elusive beverage. Since they shun caffeine (and other fun things besides polygamy), Postum was just the thing for a God-fearing people in search of a warm, brown liquid to compliment whatever it was they were having for breakfast that day. Jars of Postum are now going for around $25 each on eBay. Are the Mormons to be blame? Well, they’re not not to be blame as far as I’m concerned.
Further research on the topic has revealed that Postum was the first product marketed by C.W. Post. The balls on that guy. He followed it up shortly thereafter with what some consider to be his masterstroke, Grape Nuts, a product containing neither grapes nor nuts yet still managing to hold its own over yogurt, underneath milk, or simply poured directly into the mouth straight from the box when no one else is looking.
For his next act, C.W. Post introduced an unfortunately named corn flakes product called Elijah’s Manna. He later changed the name to Post Toasties, but it was too late- the product had a decent enough run but never quite found its footing next to the Kellog’s Corn Flakes of the world.
C.W. Post killed himself in 1913. If you ask me, he was too hard on himself.
Last night on cable, I watched an exciting episode of “Intervention,” the incredible program that shows some drug addict doing a bunch of drugs for at least half the show until the drug addict’s entire family shows up at his house, bangs on his door, and starts crying and blowing their noses while telling him how he is a drug addict and they are not leaving until he gets into the mysterious van they have waiting for him out front.
The drug addict on last night’s episode was named Jason and his favorite thing in the whole world was to shoot up cocaine while wearing a pair of camouflage shorts and a baseball hat that was turned to the side in a mannner that suggested he is the kind of guy who is not exactly opposed to good times. When he wasn’t shooting up cocaine in his fun hat, Jason was drinking from big red plastic cups just like the kind you get at Pizza Hut only instead of being filled with Dr. Pepper or something they were filled with vodka or whatever else that drug addict could get his hands on. When he wasn’t drinking from the big red plastic cups, Jason was talking on the phone to his drug addict friends. He called them “dude” and “man” and told them how things were going to be “really sweet” just as soon as they got their hands on some more drugs, which ended up happening right after the next commercial, something Jason and his drug addict friends were all really happy about.
In between shots of Jason taking drugs, drinking from the big Pizza Hut cup, or talking to his druggie friends about drugs, they showed interviews with Jason’s four sisters, most of whom appeared to be addicted to highlights and wanted Jason to totally not be a total drug addict with a crazy hat anymore- except for Jason’s youngest sister Joy, that is, who explained that she was “just not a worrier.” Later in the show, they showed Joy snorting cocaine off the back of a toilet, and, boy, did that explain a lot. Sometimes they would even interview Jason too and he would go on and on about how awesome shooting cocaine was and also how his mom is a lesbian who moved to Florida.
In between all of that stuff, there would be writing on the screen that said how Jason had no idea his family was about to have an intervention for him, which of course seemed kind of crazy since Jason had pretty much spent the entire show taking drugs or at least talking about taking drugs and his sisters were all crying about how Jason won’t do anything but take drugs or at least talk about taking drugs. They even showed Jason’s mom and she was getting all worked up about like only a lesbian from Florida can. But I guess all of that stuff is kind of easy to ignore when you are a drug addict with a really fun hat like Jason.
After the commercial break, Jason’s entire family was sitting in a room with some lady named Candy who meant business. Together they all waited with an entire camera crew for Jason to show up. Then Jason walked into the room in his crazy funtime hat and couldn’t for the life of him figure out what was going on even though all he or anyone else could talk about up until that point in the show was how much he loved cocaine and drinking from the Pizza Hut cup. Then that Candy lady was all like “Jason, you don’t know me but I think you’re a drug addict!” Then everyone started crying and blowing their noses. The next thing he knew, Jason was shipped off to a rehab center where he wrote a bad song on the piano about Jesus and also got his lip pierced. As it turned out, Candy was able to talk Joy into going to rehab too, which worked out great because when they checked in with her three months later her hair looked incredible.
|It Was A Good Day||
Last week, fucked around and got a triple double.
|Children Of The Unicorn: TOMORROW At The Mercury Lounge||
Hello. Hi. How are you? I am pretty good, thanks. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that this Saturday night (which is TOMORROW night, dammit), one of my seriously great rock bands, Children of the Unicorn, will be bringing the heat, like, for real at the Mercury Lounge at 10:30pm. If you have not seen Children of the Unicorn yet I would strongly encourage you to totally show up because it is really going to be something. In fact, a lot of times I wish I were not in the band just so I could show up and watch the magic from the crowd instead. Also, I do not like the other guys in the band that much. No, I am only kidding about that. I am told they are very nice guys. Anyway, seriously, you should come to the show. My man Phil, whom you no doubt know as my partner in crime in many of my other entertainment ventures, will be singing and playing the guitar in the middle of the stage and then I will be standing like six feet away from him playing the guitar as fast as I can (which is, like, pretty fast. Just ask my mom. Wait, no, just ask YOUR mom! Ha! I am suggesting that I have had intercourse with your mother). Motherf#%kers will not believe that sh*t. And there are three other sweet dudes in the band too. We are on MySpace and everything. Screw the big labels! Take back the night! I also wanted to mention that if you come to the show TOMORROW you will get a FREE copy of our debt self-titled compact disc record album, which has pretty much all the songs we know on it played to the best of our ability, which is practically Nordic in both its ferocity and use of torches. In simpler times, I might have told you that our show TOMORROW night is a record release party. For the purposes of brevity and other stuff though, I will simply tell you that we shall wake the undead and send them howling into the night, maybe even upstate or something. Also- as if all of that stuff is not enough, Ginger, from the legendary British band the Wildhearts will be playing an acoustic set right before us at 9:30pm. That is going to be really great too. This town! Am I right or am I right? I had to get out and start enjoyin’ ’cause life’s too short. Also, watch this video:
|Dave’s Video Vault: Little Michael Jackson And Me||
Hello there. Hi. How are you? Anyway, while I am staying busy making all sorts of new and exciting videos in my spare time, I figured I should try shoving some of my older videos in everyone’s faces just so they will have stuff to watch on the Internet until I get my new videos all cooked up and ready for the citizens of the Internet. I am just trying to do my part. Anyway, to that end, here is the first installment of “Dave’s Video Vault” featuring my groundbreaking and just pretty incredible video in general for the the first episode of “Little Michael Jackson and Me.” When I look at this video I realize that, gosh, we were just kids back then, Little MJ and me. Now we can’t even get each other on the phone without having ten different agents and managers setting up the call. Sometimes I just want my life back, you know?