Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that this Thursday, March 25 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea, I will bringing the heat in its various forms in the overall form of my world-famous nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion aka the show most motherf@#kers can’t handle or something. Whether you are into good times all the time or you would simply like to get your ass handed to you by America’s #1 Sweetheart (me, Dave Hill, mentioned earlier), this night is pretty much meant for you because all that stuff will totally happen x50 or something. As I sit here in my tastefully decorated apartment that I pay for with a combination of my own money and a generous grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, I am stunned by the amount of incredibleness I have cooked up for this show pretty much without even trying. Also, I smell smoke. Do you smell smoke? Sometimes I just get so tired, Danny. Does that ever happen to you? Anyway, I really hope you can make it to my show on Thursday night as it will be seriously good. Aside from all the usual awesome stuff I get up to, I have worked out this new trick with one quart of rubber cement, one palate of sheet rock, a gallon of kerosene, an old bowling pin, a bunsen burner, a roll of duct tape, an electric fan, one mouse trap, four live raccoons, Gene Shalit, six ordinary Lance Armstrong bracelets, and a pair of roller skates that is pretty much guaranteed to be all over NY1 by Friday morning. Also, I am going to have some really great guests on my show, including but not limited to the lovely and talented songstress Martha Wainwright; “Project Runway” star, author, and Meryl Streep Oscar dress designer Chris March; the elusive Claywoman; and more. And, of course, my mysterious sidebitch Phil will be there in all his creepy, house arrest-violating glory. Also, there will be unlimited Sea Breezes available at the UCB bar courtesy of yours truly (me). It would almost be weird if you didn’t at least try to come to this show. What the hell is wrong with you anyway? I didn’t want to say anything but I can only go for so long watching you destroy yourself while remaining silent about it. You’re not just hurting yourself you know. Now you get out there and live! You can get tickets right here.

Love,
Dave Hill

Love,
Dave Hill

A young man with Down’s Syndrome who was functioning highly enough to be living on his own called his mother to inform her that he had captured a troll in his apartment and that she should come over immediately to see it. As is usually the case when someone tells you they have captured a troll, the mother dismissed the story as being a product of her son’s vivid imagination.

Another day went by and the son called his mother again and asked her to come over and see the troll. Again she ignored him.

Finally, the next day or so, the mother decided to swing by her son’s house for a visit. The place was trashed. The mother asked what happened and her son explained that the troll did it. Then he offered to show his mother the troll. This time she accepted his invitation. The son then led his mother to his bedroom closet, which had been barricaded with furniture, and revealed the troll trapped inside. The troll turned out to be a severely pissed off little person (or “dwarf” as they are known in some circles). Apparently, he was a Jehovah’s Witness going door to door when he showed up at the home of the Down’s Syndrome-afflicted young man. The young man- apparently never having seen a little person before- somehow assumed he was a troll and- as is usually the case when one happens upon a troll- decided to capture him. You really can’t blame him. I would have done the same thing in his shoes.

Being a Jehovah’s Witness and all, the troll did not want to press charges or anything and went on his way, probably vowing never to knock on that particular door again. I realize this story has an urban legend vibe to it (It has been suggested here), but I am hoping more than anything that this is true. I really need this right now.

Dave Hill

Love,
Dave Hill

My buddy Hal Sparks was going on something called the Progressive Voices cruise as one of the speakers along with Rachel Maddow, Ron Reagan, David Bender, Lizz Winstead, Pete McCloskey, Cary Harrison, and several other wonderful folks. I was invited along to provide some positive vibes, an air of menace, and exquisite table manners. And I also got to do standup on the top floor of the boat, which was really wobbly and stuff but I didn’t throw up or anything until later.

As part of all of the above, there were lots of interesting panels and discussions, etc. featuring people whose brains I am jealous of and lovely dinners where I got to order whatever I wanted and no one could stop me. One night I even grabbed this one lady’s shrimp cocktail out of her hand and ate it right in front of her because I am a Z-list celebrity. What could she do? That’s right- nothing. In an unrelated incident, I was also covered in algae and electrically shocked for an hour straight. You never see that sort of thing coming.

Aside from all the stuff that happened on the boat, I got to go to the popular country of Mexico a little, specifically Mazatlan for breakfast and lunch one day and then Puerto Vallarta for breakfast the day after that before I had to head back to New York City to focus on taking the world and also doing laundry. Generally speaking, Mexico was Mexcellent. I’d like to go back sometime and see some of the towns not featured on most episodes of “Love Boat,” though those were really great too.

Now I am back on dry land. I still feel the boat rocking back and forth even though I am just sitting here in my apartment with no pants on. I wonder how long it will take for that to go away, the rocking part I mean. Or maybe I just need to get back out on the water. The sea- she is a cruel mistress but I just can’t stay mad at her.

Dave Hill

Hi. It’s Dave, Dave Hill, again. From before. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that this Thursday, March 11 at 8pm, I will once again be showing whoever shows up at the reputable Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre what it means to love again by performing my incredible one-man show/monologue/rock assault “Big in Japan,” which- as long as we’re on the topic- was recently nominated for an ECNY Award for Best One-Person Show. I am the one person. If you have ever wanted to spend an hour in a dark, damp basement with me as I talk, bring some rock heat on the guitar, and pretty much just hand everyone their asses for up to but no longer than an hour straight, you could do a lot worse than to come to this show. There are not many times in my life when I don’t want to be me, but this Thursday is totally one of those times because if I were not me I could totally come see my show from the audience just like a regular person, which would be really nice because my show is pretty much the greatest thing that has ever happened in North America. I just checked. I can’t really go into too much more detail right now because this new community service program I have been assigned to limits my computer access to only as long as the park ranger is at lunch and also he is a major a-hole who seems drunk but whatever. Anyway, I really hope you can come to my show. That would be so nice. You can get tickets right here.

Love,
Dave Hill

Dave Hill

I realize it is at this point that you are assuming that Internation Holy F@#king Sh*t Day is a day of some sort of global panic, a shared experience of extreme terror or something. However, this could not be further from the truth. In fact, Internation Holy F@#king Shit Day is quite simple and- if everything goes as planned- will be an incredibly positive, if profane, experience for all who take part in it and extremely confusing for all who don’t, the best case scenario for most things in life if you ask me.

So here’s the deal- on Friday, March 5, 2010 at exactly 11:00am Eastern Standard Time in the United States (that’s 8:00am on the West Coast; 4pm in London; 5pm in Oslo, Norway; 3am, March 6, in Tokyo- sorry for keeping you up so late!- etc. You can find the exact time in your area here), stop what you’re doing and scream, yell, mumble, or whisper “Holy F@#king Shit!.” If someone near you does the same thing, you must look at each other and either wink, give each other a military salute, kiss on both cheeks (like the people of France), and/or- if it feels right- pat each others’ butts (like the people of France). And if someone around you says “What?” or something to the effect of inquiring as to why you just said “Holy F@#king Shit!”, you must respond by saying “Oh, nothing…”, “What?”, or even “Huh?” and then just get back to whatever you were doing. It’s that simple.

Join me- won’t you?- in celebrating the power of both worldwide solidarity and global profanity. Do your part by celebrating International Holy F@#king Sh*t Day when the day and time comes and also by spreading the word on this historic event far and wide via Twitter, e-mail, Facebook, smoke signals, blowhorn, blowtorch, or whatever means you see fit to spread the word like a motherf@#ker. Okay, thank you. Now get out there and make a difference! You can do it! Oh, and join the IHFSD Facebook group here!

Holy F@#king Sh*t,
Dave Hill

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill again. I guess we all saw this coming, but- after a brief hiatus from show business- I am now back like a motherf@#ker to once again perform my ever-evolving, ever-incredible one-man show/monologue/rock assault I like to call “Big in Japan” here in New York City before I pull up stakes and take it overseas, where I am considered a genius, once more in a few months. This sh*t is going down this Monday, March 1 at 9:30pm over there at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Chelsea, just three blocks away from Dallas BBQ, a nice place to meet old friends or make new ones or just hang out by yourself, staring off into the night, the captain of your dreams. Anyway, whether you have seen my “Big in Japan” show before or you have yet to see it all, I strongly (within reason) encourage you to come as- like most great works of art- it gets incredibler and incredibler each day, not unlike Leonardo DaVinci’s popular “Mona Lisa” artwork painting, which started out as an absent-minded napkin doodle and is now being guarded around the clock in a big museum people pay a lot of money to get into. The “Mona Lisa” is also available on T-shirts, lunchboxes, and other stuff. In short, it is a seriously good painting. I like to think of my “Big in Japan” show as just like that, only instead of a painting it is a guy standing on a stage talking and stuff for a reasonably long time. That guy is me, Dave Hill, mentioned earlier. Now you just let that sink in for a moment. Okay, great. I also wanted to mention that everyone who comes to my show will get a free shrimp cocktail. Now to go to this website on the Internet and reserve some tickets for you and your loved ones right here.

Love,
Dave Hill

Dave Hill