Hi. It’s Dave again. Recently (though for the life of me I can’t remember when), I sat down with Topman comedy editor and known prick Harry Deansway for an interview. I can’t remember if he was interviewing me or it was the other way around, but either way now it’s a thing on the Internet for people to read in their spare time. You can and should read the whole thing right here. I hope you enjoy it so much. And how about this weather? People need to stop it with all the hairspray already. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right?

Your man,
Dave Hill

This past weekend, when I was just minding my own business really, I noticed this amazing, touching, and just a little bit creepy tweet from hilarious writer, comedian, actor, and man-about-town Ted Travelstead. “This is NOT a paid advertisement. @mrdavehill book changed my life! I FEEL SO FREE! http://twitpic.com/8xr2r4 Preorder now! http://amzn.to/yW7Glc“, Ted so nicely wrote. I love Ted’s work, am extremely impressed by his beard, and find him to be a delightful gentleman in person, so I was thrilled that he wrote such a nice thing about my book on Twitter, the popular microblogging site. Since I was slightly hammered and checking Twitter on my phone in the back of a cab at the time, though, I somehow missed the photo he attached (and I posted above so you get fired from your job if you happen to be viewing this at work) the first time around. A few minutes later, however, I revisited his tweet and noticed the above image that I shall now be forever unable to erase from my memory. Needless to say, I am touched, slightly overwhelmed, and perhaps even a bit concerned by Ted’s wonderful gesture. I encourage you to download this photo of Ted with my book covering his downtown real estate and make it your new desktop wallpaper today. In fact, it would be weird not to. Oh, and if you feel like buying my book, stripping naked, lathering yourself up, and covering your crotch with it, I certainly won’t stop you. Ted and I both thank you in advance. For more scantily clad hilarity from Ted, click here. Ted doesn’t shame the body and I salute that.

Love,
Dave Hill

Hi. As many of you are well aware, I can’t stop rocking. And now, in addition to my other rock exploits, I am playing guitar with my friend Phil in his new project PCP (Phil Costello Project). Phil is one of the most rocking dudes of all-time and one of the best musicians and songwriters I’ve ever known. He’s been the brains and balls behind countless bands, including but not limited to Children of the Unicorn, Diamondsnake, Tragedy, and Satanicide. With PCP, Phil will bringing the heat for an evening of a bunch the best songs he’s ever written as a member of all those bands and also some hot new jams he has cooked up without even really trying. Phil will sing and play guitar, I’ll play guitar like a mofo, Paul Bertolino will play drums, and Patrick Quade holding it down on bass. Together, we will bring the rock heat together as PCP for the first time ever on earth on Saturday, March 24th at the Mercury Lounge over there on Houston. You should totally come. Get tickets and/or more info here.

Still street,
Dave Hill

This past Monday, I participated in another Uptown Showdown, a debate series put on by the classy people at Symphony Space (The word symphony is right there in the name.  Instant class.  Also, there were snacks in the dressing room.  Class).  The topic this time around was “Fashion v. Comfort”.  As you can probably imagine, I was on the fashion team along with the extremely fashionable Elna Baker and Kevin Townley.  On the comfort team were those bastards Tom Shillue, Michael Ian Black, and Tom Cavanagh, who it turns out is Canadian.  The show was really fun and if you ask me it was totally a tie but then Tom Cavanagh took his shirt off and everyone was all like “Oh, look, the guy from the hit TV series ‘Ed’ took his shirt off!” and then those bastards won.  Whatever.

After the debate part of things, Michael (Ian Black) read briefly from his sweet new book that you should totally buy right here unless you’re some kind of a-hole (and speaking of which, Amazon is offering a sweet deal if you buy my book and Michael’s book together.  We are passing the savings on to you because we are both really rich and famous and don’t give a shit about money because we already have so much of it it’s more of a burden than anything else by now).  Then Michael signed some books and a lot of chicks wanted to have sex with me.

As for my part of the debate, I read this thing I wrote about fashion earlier that day while I was riding the bus all by myself.  You can read the whole thing below.  I hope you enjoy it so much:

FASHION VS. COMFORT BY ME, DAVE HILL

Fashion- will we ever really understand it?  Probably not.  But one thing I can tell you for sure is that nine times out of ten, it’s totally better to embrace fashion and look as incredible as possible rather than just wear whatever crappy looking crap you feel like wearing at the time.  And as for that one time out of ten in the scenario I just mentioned, it is reserved specifically and only for supermodel Giselle Bundchen, who could probably just poke a few holes in a garbage bag, put it on, and still look really great and you can ask anyone.  Also, Giselle Bundchen had sex with football’s Tom Brady.

Anyway, In simpler times, like in old timey movies and photographs, for example, people would dress up for dinner, routine court appearances, and even when they flew on airplanes.  I was not alive during this time but it is my understanding that the sex was incredible.  Nowadays, people get on airplanes wearing flip flops, sweat pants, and novelty T-shirts from the popular Ron Jon surf shop as if they are about to take out the goddamn garbage or something.  And I can tell you from firsthand experience that most of those people are lucky if they even get to second base during the flight or even during a quote unquote “Denver layover” despite its sexy implications.

As for me, recently, I boarded a commercial flight from LaGuardia airport here in town to the Canton Akron airport and had intercourse with half the people in coach and an entire family in business class without even really trying.  Unsatiated, I then boarded a flight bound for Baltimore, during which I banged four flight attendants, fingered three first class passengers, and got a handjob from one member of the ground crew who wasn’t exactly crazy about rules.  It should be noted that I did the exact same thing on the return flight from Baltimore to Akron 45 minutes later, albeit with mostly different people.  The reason for everything I just mentioned is simple- the outfit I had on at the time was really, really great.  I wore a three-piece suit with matching tie and handkerchief and not only did I fucking own Cinnabon before boarding the plane in all three cities, but once we got up to 40,000 feet I was everyone’s clear choice for most bangable fresh-faced boy-next-door type in coach and the TSA couldn’t say shit about it.  I do not attribute any of this to my offbeat good looks, my ability to make light chitchat with just about anybody, or the fact that I smell incredible pretty much all of the time.  It’s simply because- unlike everyone else on the plane- I somehow managed put out a little effort when it came time to get put some goddamn clothes on.  My fellow passengers  appreciated that, and- next thing I knew- I was making sweet, sweet love to a mother of three and her cousin Donna in the airplane restroom for like twenty minutes even though there was a line and the flight attendant with the mustache was kind of being a dick about it.

I realize it is at this point that you are thinking to yourselves, “But Dave, it’s so uncomfortable to get dressed up in fancy outfits all the time.  It’s much easier and more comfortable to simply walk around in sweatpants or Jeggings all day and embrace the fact that we will all be dead soon.”  And to that I say, “Pull yourself together, you selfish prick.  Of course it’s more comfortable to dress like shit.  But while you’re walking around in your coffee and urine-stained sweatpants and free promotional Newport Lights T-shirt, the rest of us are forced to look at you and make peace with the fact that there is just one thin layer of breathable cotton between your asshole and the rest of us and there’s nothing anyone can do about it so we’re all screwed basically.”

Tonight I stand before you a man of arts and letters and also with just slightly above average external male genitalia.  The waistband of my pants is too tight, my tie is choking me, and I have draped my torso in so many layers of tactile and inviting fabric that I am in grave danger of having a seizure or at the very least pulling my groin at any moment.  The important thing to remember, however, is I did it all for you, the ridiculously attractive and hopefully open-minded people I see sitting before me here tonight.  I am in a great deal of pain, but if it means giving all of you a little eye candy for a few hours I’m happy to suffer through it.

To my right, sit my debate team partners, who are also looking seriously incredible and making a similar sacrifice just for you.  To my left, sit three selfish bastards, two of whom you no doubt remember from the hit TV series “Ed”, all of whom are basically telling everyone here tonight to go fuck themselves by their manner of dress and also the suggestion that they intend to continue looking like hell for at least the foreseeable future.  Personally, I think all you sexy, sexy people in the audience here tonight deserve better.  Also, I would like to have intercourse with you, you know, if you want.  Thank you.

Still street,

Dave Hill

Hi. As I may have mentioned at some point or another, my first book, a collection of essays called Tasteful Nudes, is coming out on May 22 via St. Martin’s Press, the popular book company. As part of my preparation for becoming a major American literary figure, I wrote a song about it and then went and made the above video for it too. I hope you enjoy it so much.

Love,
Dave Hill

Attention People of New York City:

Hi.  How are you?  I am incredible.  Thanks so much for asking.  Anyway, I was just writing to let you know that on Thursday, March 22 at 9:30pm, I will be putting on my pants and walking onstage over there at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea and breaking out my popular nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion once again.  As many of you who have been following my career from the very beginning are well aware, this will be my first Explosion in New York City in over ten months.  Have I done it in other cities more recently?  Sure.  Did I make out with a lot of chicks in those cities before and after the show?  Totally.  But the important thing to remember is that I am finally bringing the show back to where it all started for the first time in a seriously long while so just, like, deal with it.  I realize at this point that you are probably wondering why I haven’t done the show in such an unfathomably long time.  The answer, as you can probably imagine, is complicated.  For starters, I spent most of the past ten months having a series of painful and extremely dangerous yet ultimately-worth-it-in-my-opinion cosmetic procedures that rendered me unable to perform without the assistance of machines, unsightly gauze and tubing, as well as the assistance of one irritable and grossly overpaid Frenchman.  Also, I was busy writing my first book  and making sure it had enough swears in it.  But anyway, what really matters is I am back like a motherf@#ker and ready to explode so much they are going to have to hose the place down afterwards and also call victim’s services and a bunch of other people too probably.  In addition to all the usual incredible Explosion-related stuff, I am going to be doing a bunch of all-new incredible stuff too.  And, course, I will have some incredible guests (I will announce them shortly.  Calm down) and also be joined by my sidebitch Phil, his beard, and also my Minister of Information and Foam Carl Arnheiter.  In short, I will be bringing you at least six bucks worth of enterainment for just five bucks.  You really can’t lose on this one.  You can and should reserve tickets for the show here.  Okay, that about covers it.  Now get out there and start living, you son of a bitch!

Love,
Dave Hill

Hi.  It’s Dave again.  Anyway, I forget if I mentioned this, but you know how I have a book coming out?  Well, it’s true.  And yesterday, Klaus Kinski, the Brooklyn Vegan comedy man who has already totally read it, wrote a super nice thing about my book and how much he liked it and thinks everyone else should totally buy it (which would be great for me, the guy who wrote it).  You can read what he wrote by going here and scrolling down a ways until you’re all like “Oh, wait- here it is.”  Or I can just quote the whole thing right here (which actually includes a quote from me, Dave Hill.  Crazy, right?).  Okay, here goes- he says:

Speaking of Dave Hill, did you know that motherfucker wrote a book and that it comes out on May 22nd? If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, then you’re thinking “Wait, Dave Hill is a flawless comedian. Dave Hill is a master guitar player, maybe the best in the world. Dave Hill is easy on the eyes. And Dave Hill can also write a freaking book? What can’t that guy accomplish?” I know, right? The book is entitled Tasteful Nudes. If you like stories…

…about stolen meat, animal attacks, young love, death, naked people, clergymen, rock ‘n’ roll, irritable Canadians, and prison, you have just hit a street called Easy because my book talks about all that stuff and a bunch of other stuff, too.

I am nobody’s shill and I wouldn’t be saying this if it wasn’t the Cod’s honest truth; this book is absolutely impossible to put down. It is so funny and well written that I simply could not put it down. Pre-order it now, then forget you pre-ordered it, so then one day it shows up in your mailbox and you’re all “Ha. Dave Hill’s done it again.”

Oh man, isn’t that nice?  I was having a bad yesterday and then I read that and was like “Bad day is now officially good day!”  I said this to myself because I live all alone in the place they will find my body.  Oh, also, that’s a picture of a fainting goat up top.  I wasn’t sure what photo to use for this entry and I just love those things, so there you go.

In other news, a couple days ago, one of my neighbors posted the poem above on the inside door of my apartment building.  As you can probably tell, it’s a poem from one neighbor that passive-aggressively yet somewhat delightfully tells the person’s upstairs neighbor to shut the f@#k up and stop waking them up all the time.  I have verified that this poem was not intended for me, so that’s good.  But I have to say, I am kind of siding with the upstairs neighbor on this one.  Unless, of course, the downstairs neighbor has already tried to speak directly to the upstairs neighbor about this like a million times before resorting to a public display of poetry.  Either way, I’m pretty sure these two are totally going to end up killing each other, having sex, or both really, really soon.  I mean, come on- how badly does the downstairs neighbor want to make out with the upstairs neighbor?  Get a room- am I right?  Life.

Love,

Dave Hill

Pull yourself together as I sit down for a delightful chat with writer, television personality, and so much more Julieanne Smolinski aka Boobs Radley.  As you can probably imagine, Julieanne and I talk about all sorts of things, including but not limited to the fact that we are both from Cleveland and how sweet that is, hash browns, leaving New York City, riding in elevators with ZZ Top, fingerblasting (whatever that is), the autobiography of David Cassidy, making my peace with Sammy Hagar, and so much more that most people can’t even handle it.  Also, I answer questions of great importance from my London headquarters while pleasant jazz music plays in the background and it’s not even a big deal.  You can listen to the whole thing right here.  Okay, great, that about covers it.

Love,

Dave Hill

Today I write to you from somewhere high (40,000 feet according the flight navigator thing in the headrest in front of me.  That is seriously high.  No one can believe it and everyone on the plane is screaming) above the Atlantic Ocean as I fly back to New York City from London after a five-day invasion of the popular English town.  The flight attendants have just finished serving dinner and I opted for the gooey pasta option.  Couple that with the fact that I ate a giant Cadbury chocolate bar before I got on the plane and the guy behind be won’t stop coughing on my head and I am feeling like whatever the opposite of a champion is right now.

My current state aside, I would describe the past few days as lovely.  Against all odds, it was mostly sunny in London and everyone was really excited about it, especially me since sunshine meant my hair not being compromised by the London rain, something that- as you can probably imagine- causes me great emotional distress and sometimes even cramps and even a pulled groin.  I also continued tearing the people of London a new one while doing my popular nightclub act, most notably with two nights at Deansway’s, a new club housed in the basement of the Bethnal Green Workingman’s Club.  As hinted at in the name, the Bethnal Green Workingman’s Club is located in Bethnal Green and was originally created as a place for workingmen (guys with jobs, I guess) to go have a pile of cheap drinks, hang out, and talk and smoke and swear and whatnot.  It’s kind of like a V.F.W. hall or a Polish National Club only everyone is really, really English.  In keeping with modern times (and also the fact that there are less and less workingmen in England with each passing day, I’m told), however, the Workingman’s Club has rationed out its space for other purposes, including Deansway’s.

At Deansway’s, I performed my popular chat variety show the Dave Hill Explosion on Friday and Saturday nights.  My guests on Friday were the actor Perry Benson (above), whom you no doubt know from such films as “Quadrophenia,” “This is England,” “Scum”, and many more, as well as a whole bunch of British television programs, and musical guest Gabriel and the Hounds (Gabe and Conrad from Takka Takka), some New York friends who just happened to be on tour in the UK and had a night off.  The show was a super blast, and aside from me slipping in the fake snow (I used two snow machines this time- an awesome, yet dangerous first for me) and bruising my hip, was in the showbiz win column.

After the show, Perry, the staff of Deansway’s, and I headed over to a nearby pub (or “bar” as I like to call it) and started drinking whatever they’d let us.  Perry suggested we have some bison grass vodka, which was delicious, but after a few of them I was reminded why I almost never drink vodka- I just start screaming and crying and wrestling people and making swears and stuff.  Don’t get me wrong- it’s really fun at the time.  It’s just all the apology phone calls I have to make the next day that start to wear on me and also the people getting the phone calls.

Saturday’s Explosion was also extremely explosive in nature.  There was only one snow machine this time, but a lot more people came to the show because word of my nightclub act had spread all over town like a rash after the Friday show or something.  My guests this time around were comedian Ross Lee and musical guest Alessi’s Ark, one of my all time faves.  No injuries except for maybe a few emotional ones were sustained during the performance.  Also, the sex was fabulous.

After Saturday’s Explosion, a bunch of us hung out and drank stuff at Deansway’s for a while before heading upstairs to a cabaret of sorts that was going on upstairs at the Working Man’s Club.  There was all sorts of crazy stuff going on too.  For example, some girl stripped naked and rubbed clay all over her head while music was playing, which was great for me, and then some guy came out and played accordion for everybody.  That’s me sitting there in front of him while he played accordion at the top of this entry.  As you can see, I was having a really nice time and also my hair looked great.  There were all sorts of super hot chicks at the cabaret too, as you can see from the photo above this paragraph.  This chick was all over me.  It’s like “Calm down, girl.”  You know?

Once we had had enough of all the good times going down at the cabaret, we went downstairs to check out the actual working men’s section of the Bethnal Green Working Men’s club.  As you can see from the photo above, it’s pretty much good times all the time with working men.  The mood was super festive and everyone was pretty sure they weren’t going to die any time soon.  I stayed there and owned the place for another drink or so before heading home to sleep the sleep of a guy who has just finished having slightly too much fun but still has incredible hair and you can ask anyone.

Yesterday, I met my friends Andrew, Pete, Nick, and their fun dogs for Sunday lunch, which is great for a guy like me, who likes fun with dogs, food, and beer all at once wherever and whenever possible.  Afterward, I headed to Greenwich to do a set at the Up the Creek comedy club.  I was running on fumes by that time, so I just got onstage and brought the heat for a bit before getting dizzy and heading off into the night.

On the way home from Greenwich, I stopped off to see some friends at a bar in Camden, a popular neighborhood for the young people of London.  The sign above was hanging in the stairwell on the way down to the bathrooms at the bar.  I’m not sure what it means, but if you add the phrase “in my pants” to the end of it, it becomes infinitely and endlessly funny if you ask me (and I am right about everything).

Okay, now the flight attendants are bringing some snack of some sort around so I really need to get mine before things fully descend into a “Lord of the Flies” situation on this plane and we have to pick a leader and also someone gets killed.

Love,
Dave Hill

Dave Hill vs. Fashion Week 2012 from Put This On on Vimeo.

Hi. It’s Dave again. As many of you know, I am one of the best dressers and most fashionable people in general ever so there. As a result, I can rarely stop myself from heading down to New York Fashion Week and basically schooling everyone on fashion without even really trying. This time around, I interviewed people outside the Ralph Lauren show for the popular Internet show that knows a thing or two about how to look incredible, Put This On. Watch it above right now. And if you feel like checking out any of my other Fashion Week videos (and yes- I am pretty sure you do), you can totally watch them right now here. Okay, that about covers it. Keep up the good work.

I love you,
Dave Hill