Attention People of New York City:

Hi. It’s me, Dave, Dave Hill, again. Wait- no, no, no, baby- don’t hang up. Look, I know things have been really crazy between us lately and we both said a lot of things we didn’t mean and the odds of them ever letting us back into Benihana again after everything that happened last time are slim at best. I also know that in the past I have written stuff on your front lawn using fire and I now know probably better than anybody that that is a completely unacceptable thing to do, especialIy to the most important person in my life, a beautiful person both inside and out whom I would gladly open a joint bank account with any time they are ready and would happily trust to use those funds wisely and in a manner that would not require explanation of any sort no matter how suspicious things might sometimes seem. Anyway, I can’t go into everything right now because I am scheduled to lead a team building seminar at the Paramus Holiday Inn in exactly fifteen minutes and need to focus on getting this pool inflated and filled before everyone gets their handstamps and licorice ropes and we get things started. From now on, I am about positivity. I just wanted to remind you one last time that I am doing my popular and critically-acclaimed (Here, read this. I told you I was going to be famous) one-man show/monologue/rock assault type thing “Big in Japan” TOMORROW night, which is to say February 5 at 8pm at the world-famous Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in Chelsea. If you don’t come, motherf@#kers are gonna get stabbed. Also, my feelings will be hurt. But I would never hurt you though. That is the important thing I need you to know and there’s not a goddamn judge or lawyer in this country that can stop me from telling you and also saying that I love you, even if it’s from at least 500 feet away and you say it’s always too loud outside the bus station to hear words from the heart anyway. I really hope you can make it tomorrow. Things are going to be different. I promise. You can get tickets right here (I would leave you some for you at the door but I know you can take care of yourself and you don’t need me trying to solve all your life problems).

Love,
Dave Hill

Attention People of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that- after a series of heated negotiations, temper tantrums, and extremely-dangerous-yet-ultimately-worth-it cosmetic procedures- I have decided to bring my futuristic one-man show/monologue/rock assault “Big in Japan” back to North America once again, having just completed a run of sold out performances in London, the popular English town where all the chicks (or “birds” as they are called over there)- as you can probably imagine- totally want to bang me. This (the show, not the banging) is going to take place on Friday, February 5 at 8pm in the new and improved one-hour format at the popular and reputable Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea.

It is at this point of the e-mail that I would normally further explain exactly what my incredible “Big in Japan” show is and why you should totally see it. This time, however, I will simply encourage you to read the lovely review of one of my recent London performances from Chortle, the United Kingdom’s premier comedy Internet web site type thing right here.

Normally, I don’t like to pay attention to reviews too much since- no matter what anyone says about me, good or bad- chicks totally want to bang me (as mentioned previously). But I really like this review as it is seriously good and also explains my show better than I can. And I have seen my show a bunch of times. If you read this review with a British accent in your brain, it is even better. Anyway, I really hope you can come to my show as I am reasonably sure you will have a really nice time. Also, it is on a Friday, so it’s not like you have to be in court the next day or anything. Quit f@#king with me. You can get tickets right here.

Love,
Dave Hill

Hi. Mondays- am I right or am I right? Anyway, if you live in the San Francisco area of America, please come and see me perform tomorrow, which is to say Tuesday, January 26 at 8pm at Cobb’s Comedy Club, where I will be performing my popular nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion featuring extra special guests the legendary Dick Cavett and Gordon Gano (Violent Femmes, Gordon Gano and the Ryans) for one magical night only. Also, on Wednesday, January 27 at 8pm, I will be performing my incredible new one-man show/monologue/rock assault thing (delightfully reviewed here) at the Eureka Theatre at 8pm, immediately preceded by the hilarious sketch group Killing My Lobster (which is to say you will see both them and me for one ticket price! Yeah!). Both shows are part of the incredible SF Sketchfest, which is great. You can get tickets for Tuesday’s show here and tickets for Wednesday show here. Please come or my feelings will be seriously hurt and stuff. Also, you will have a super nice time if you come. I can feel it.

Dave Hill

Greetings from London, the popular English town that I am totally in right now and have been for the past week or so, mostly eating meat and drinking whatever is put in front of me. It is going okay. Most of the things I have encountered so far have been “brilliant.” There were a couple things, however, that at first I thought kind of sucked but later found out were actually “crap” and/or “rubbish.” In short, I am having a really nice time.

Speaking of crap, however, yesterday I was walking down the really nice street I am staying on in Kilburn Park, the popular London neighborhood, when I happened the remarkably sizable turd pictured about. Usually when I happen upon a turd of any size on the street, I keep moving and going about my day, but this one stopped me in my tracks, paralyzing me even. I should have put a coin or my face next to it in the photograph to give a sense of scale because on its own, it’s kind of hard to tell what exactly we are dealing with. Let me assure you, however, that this turd in particular was historic in nature, measuring approximately eight inches in length and probably just as much around. I am tempted to suggest that it was approximately the same size as my privates, but I need to focus here and stay on point, the shit point.

Anyway, once I finished taking several photographs of the turd in question, I continued on my way and did all sorts of things I can’t even get into right now. I couldn’t help but wonder, however, exactly what or who had left this giant mass of feces behind for me to stumble upon (but- thankfully- not in). My first guess was that it was a “large dog of some sort,” a Great Dane maybe. Since showing the photo around a bit, however, others have suggested that this bomb was left behind by an actual Dane, maybe someone just visiting London for a few days even and unsure of what the public shitting policies might be. I guess we’ll never know really.

As I type this, this atomic shit sits just outside my window, a house or two down the road, mocking me in a way that only a giant, mystery dump is capable. I suppose the right thing to do would be to remove the shit from mine and everyone else’s lives by throwing it in the trash or something. But as I sit here thinking about it, I realize it is more of a “could do” type situation, which in British means “Sure- this is physically possible, but there is very little chance that it is actually going to happen ever, so just shut the fuck up right now please. Thank you.” I am happy to just leave it at that and silently remain in awe of whatever creature’s ass this thing dropped from. My hat is off to you. Also, I am sending you a dry cleaning bill.

In other news, if you do find yourself in the shit-haunted London area, please come see my shows at the Hen and Chickens Theatre in Islington on Thursday, January 21 and Friday, January 22 at 9:30pm. I really hope you can make it. That would be so great. You can get tickets right here and you should, dammit.

Dave Hill

In accordance with my plot for world domination, I was in the popular British newspaper the Guardian this weekend. They wrote a nice preview of my upcoming shows in London, which you can see above (thanks to Bishop and Douch for sending it to me) or read online right here. I am looking forward to performing over there starting later this week and then also drinking and eating stuff and whatnot. If you live in London or thereabouts, you should totally come to one or all of my shows. That would be so great.

Dave Hill

Attention People of London:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill. No, not the guy from Slade (though I do agree he is incredible), the other one, the American comedian person. That guy. From before. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I am coming to your awesome town to put my art, my privates, and probably some other stuff on the line at the Hen and Chickens Theatre over there in Islington for three magical nights, which- as long as we’re on the topic- are Thursday, January 14; Thursday, January 21; and Friday, January 22. On the 14th and 21st, I am going to be performing my new monologue/rock assault/one-man show type thing “Big in Japan,” the popular show (directed by the great Jeff Tomsic) in which I discuss my life as a ridiculously famous person in Japan, a country where I can’t even walk down the street without chicks trying to bang me and/or offer me snacks and ask me to sign their dogs. And on the 22nd, I am going to be breaking out my popular one-man chat/variety show the Dave Hill Explosion for the first time outside of North America (unless you count that one night in Colombia where I gave one completely irritable drug lord and 47 reasonably irritable guerrillas the show of a lifetime in exchange for Ricky, a donkey capable of solving complex math equations and then mostly napping and passing gas). The Dave Hill Explosion is a show in which I talk, sing, dance, flail around a little bit, play a couple videos, interview a celebrity guest or two, and just sort of touch hearts in general for what amounts to be a seriously incredible time for everyone on the premises and even for some people that weren’t even there but just hear about it later. Anyway, I really hope you can make it. Also, I would like to stay at your house. As far as the shows go though, you can get tickets right here.

Love,
Dave Hill

Hi there. Yesterday, my hot rock band Valley Lodge was the featured band on NPR’s Song of the Day thingy that they do. NPR is National Public Radio, the popular radio station. You know that. You’re not stupid. Anyway, they made our song “The Door” the song and they talk about our band and the song and then you can also listen to the song, which in my expert opinion pretty much nails it as far as being a rocking rock song. Go there now and check it out. I hope you like the song and have a nice day in general.

Dave Hill

People have been talking about Japanese ingenuity and superiority for as long as I can remember (It’s been weeks at least). Until I visited Japan last year, however, I thought everyone was just talking about the Walkman, but once I got there I quickly realized the Japanese pretty much kick everyone’s asses up and down the street all day long when it comes to cool stuff and just being awesome in general. This Japanese T-shirt folding technique is just one more example of the incredibleness these people are breaking out without even trying. After watching the above video 47 times, I decided to try it for myself and my head practically exploded. I am now spending the rest of the day refolding all my T-shirts. So should you.

Dave Hill

Hanukkah Mannequin

Sharing Hanukkah Together

I realize Hannukah is totally over, but it’s always Hannukah (or some other major Jewish holiday) whenever my good buddies Stone and Stone are around as far as I’m concerned. Get a little Stone and Stone into your life by watching the above videos over and over again. And if you would like a little Stone and Stone plus, me, Dave Hill in your life right now, you can watch the video we made a while back together below.

Dave Hill

As you can probably imagine, I ripped a lot of sweet guitar solos in 2009. This one, however, is probably my favorite. The song that it appears in didn’t turn out very good, so it will probably never see the light of day, but the 21 seconds of rock heat I laid down onto the demo in the form of this guitar solo is pretty cool I think (albeit in a noodley way that probably only appeals to me in any way). I hope you enjoy it on some level or another (or maybe another one after that). I think the 15 year-old me would have been totally into it.

Dave Hill