Mar
Posted on 14th March 2012
Hi. As I may have mentioned at some point or another, my first book, a collection of essays called Tasteful Nudes, is coming out on May 22 via St. Martin’s Press, the popular book company. As part of my preparation for becoming a major American literary figure, I wrote a song about it and then went and made the above video for it too. I hope you enjoy it so much.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 9th March 2012
Attention People of New York City:
Hi. How are you? I am incredible. Thanks so much for asking. Anyway, I was just writing to let you know that on Thursday, March 22 at 9:30pm, I will be putting on my pants and walking onstage over there at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there in Chelsea and breaking out my popular nightclub act the Dave Hill Explosion once again. As many of you who have been following my career from the very beginning are well aware, this will be my first Explosion in New York City in over ten months. Have I done it in other cities more recently? Sure. Did I make out with a lot of chicks in those cities before and after the show? Totally. But the important thing to remember is that I am finally bringing the show back to where it all started for the first time in a seriously long while so just, like, deal with it. I realize at this point that you are probably wondering why I haven’t done the show in such an unfathomably long time. The answer, as you can probably imagine, is complicated. For starters, I spent most of the past ten months having a series of painful and extremely dangerous yet ultimately-worth-it-in-my-opinion cosmetic procedures that rendered me unable to perform without the assistance of machines, unsightly gauze and tubing, as well as the assistance of one irritable and grossly overpaid Frenchman. Also, I was busy writing my first book and making sure it had enough swears in it. But anyway, what really matters is I am back like a motherf@#ker and ready to explode so much they are going to have to hose the place down afterwards and also call victim’s services and a bunch of other people too probably. In addition to all the usual incredible Explosion-related stuff, I am going to be doing a bunch of all-new incredible stuff too. And, course, I will have some incredible guests (I will announce them shortly. Calm down) and also be joined by my sidebitch Phil, his beard, and also my Minister of Information and Foam Carl Arnheiter. In short, I will be bringing you at least six bucks worth of enterainment for just five bucks. You really can’t lose on this one. You can and should reserve tickets for the show here. Okay, that about covers it. Now get out there and start living, you son of a bitch!
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 8th March 2012
Hi. It’s Dave again. Anyway, I forget if I mentioned this, but you know how I have a book coming out? Well, it’s true. And yesterday, Klaus Kinski, the Brooklyn Vegan comedy man who has already totally read it, wrote a super nice thing about my book and how much he liked it and thinks everyone else should totally buy it (which would be great for me, the guy who wrote it). You can read what he wrote by going here and scrolling down a ways until you’re all like “Oh, wait- here it is.” Or I can just quote the whole thing right here (which actually includes a quote from me, Dave Hill. Crazy, right?). Okay, here goes- he says:
Speaking of Dave Hill, did you know that motherfucker wrote a book and that it comes out on May 22nd? If you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, then you’re thinking “Wait, Dave Hill is a flawless comedian. Dave Hill is a master guitar player, maybe the best in the world. Dave Hill is easy on the eyes. And Dave Hill can also write a freaking book? What can’t that guy accomplish?” I know, right? The book is entitled Tasteful Nudes. If you like stories…
…about stolen meat, animal attacks, young love, death, naked people, clergymen, rock ‘n’ roll, irritable Canadians, and prison, you have just hit a street called Easy because my book talks about all that stuff and a bunch of other stuff, too.
I am nobody’s shill and I wouldn’t be saying this if it wasn’t the Cod’s honest truth; this book is absolutely impossible to put down. It is so funny and well written that I simply could not put it down. Pre-order it now, then forget you pre-ordered it, so then one day it shows up in your mailbox and you’re all “Ha. Dave Hill’s done it again.”
Oh man, isn’t that nice? I was having a bad yesterday and then I read that and was like “Bad day is now officially good day!” I said this to myself because I live all alone in the place they will find my body. Oh, also, that’s a picture of a fainting goat up top. I wasn’t sure what photo to use for this entry and I just love those things, so there you go.
In other news, a couple days ago, one of my neighbors posted the poem above on the inside door of my apartment building. As you can probably tell, it’s a poem from one neighbor that passive-aggressively yet somewhat delightfully tells the person’s upstairs neighbor to shut the f@#k up and stop waking them up all the time. I have verified that this poem was not intended for me, so that’s good. But I have to say, I am kind of siding with the upstairs neighbor on this one. Unless, of course, the downstairs neighbor has already tried to speak directly to the upstairs neighbor about this like a million times before resorting to a public display of poetry. Either way, I’m pretty sure these two are totally going to end up killing each other, having sex, or both really, really soon. I mean, come on- how badly does the downstairs neighbor want to make out with the upstairs neighbor? Get a room- am I right? Life.
Love,
Mar
Posted on 8th March 2012
Pull yourself together as I sit down for a delightful chat with writer, television personality, and so much more Julieanne Smolinski aka Boobs Radley. As you can probably imagine, Julieanne and I talk about all sorts of things, including but not limited to the fact that we are both from Cleveland and how sweet that is, hash browns, leaving New York City, riding in elevators with ZZ Top, fingerblasting (whatever that is), the autobiography of David Cassidy, making my peace with Sammy Hagar, and so much more that most people can’t even handle it. Also, I answer questions of great importance from my London headquarters while pleasant jazz music plays in the background and it’s not even a big deal. You can listen to the whole thing right here. Okay, great, that about covers it.
Love,
Mar
Posted on 6th March 2012
Today I write to you from somewhere high (40,000 feet according the flight navigator thing in the headrest in front of me. That is seriously high. No one can believe it and everyone on the plane is screaming) above the Atlantic Ocean as I fly back to New York City from London after a five-day invasion of the popular English town. The flight attendants have just finished serving dinner and I opted for the gooey pasta option. Couple that with the fact that I ate a giant Cadbury chocolate bar before I got on the plane and the guy behind be won’t stop coughing on my head and I am feeling like whatever the opposite of a champion is right now.
My current state aside, I would describe the past few days as lovely. Against all odds, it was mostly sunny in London and everyone was really excited about it, especially me since sunshine meant my hair not being compromised by the London rain, something that- as you can probably imagine- causes me great emotional distress and sometimes even cramps and even a pulled groin. I also continued tearing the people of London a new one while doing my popular nightclub act, most notably with two nights at Deansway’s, a new club housed in the basement of the Bethnal Green Workingman’s Club. As hinted at in the name, the Bethnal Green Workingman’s Club is located in Bethnal Green and was originally created as a place for workingmen (guys with jobs, I guess) to go have a pile of cheap drinks, hang out, and talk and smoke and swear and whatnot. It’s kind of like a V.F.W. hall or a Polish National Club only everyone is really, really English. In keeping with modern times (and also the fact that there are less and less workingmen in England with each passing day, I’m told), however, the Workingman’s Club has rationed out its space for other purposes, including Deansway’s.
At Deansway’s, I performed my popular chat variety show the Dave Hill Explosion on Friday and Saturday nights. My guests on Friday were the actor Perry Benson (above), whom you no doubt know from such films as “Quadrophenia,” “This is England,” “Scum”, and many more, as well as a whole bunch of British television programs, and musical guest Gabriel and the Hounds (Gabe and Conrad from Takka Takka), some New York friends who just happened to be on tour in the UK and had a night off. The show was a super blast, and aside from me slipping in the fake snow (I used two snow machines this time- an awesome, yet dangerous first for me) and bruising my hip, was in the showbiz win column.
After the show, Perry, the staff of Deansway’s, and I headed over to a nearby pub (or “bar” as I like to call it) and started drinking whatever they’d let us. Perry suggested we have some bison grass vodka, which was delicious, but after a few of them I was reminded why I almost never drink vodka- I just start screaming and crying and wrestling people and making swears and stuff. Don’t get me wrong- it’s really fun at the time. It’s just all the apology phone calls I have to make the next day that start to wear on me and also the people getting the phone calls.
Saturday’s Explosion was also extremely explosive in nature. There was only one snow machine this time, but a lot more people came to the show because word of my nightclub act had spread all over town like a rash after the Friday show or something. My guests this time around were comedian Ross Lee and musical guest Alessi’s Ark, one of my all time faves. No injuries except for maybe a few emotional ones were sustained during the performance. Also, the sex was fabulous.
After Saturday’s Explosion, a bunch of us hung out and drank stuff at Deansway’s for a while before heading upstairs to a cabaret of sorts that was going on upstairs at the Working Man’s Club. There was all sorts of crazy stuff going on too. For example, some girl stripped naked and rubbed clay all over her head while music was playing, which was great for me, and then some guy came out and played accordion for everybody. That’s me sitting there in front of him while he played accordion at the top of this entry. As you can see, I was having a really nice time and also my hair looked great. There were all sorts of super hot chicks at the cabaret too, as you can see from the photo above this paragraph. This chick was all over me. It’s like “Calm down, girl.” You know?
Once we had had enough of all the good times going down at the cabaret, we went downstairs to check out the actual working men’s section of the Bethnal Green Working Men’s club. As you can see from the photo above, it’s pretty much good times all the time with working men. The mood was super festive and everyone was pretty sure they weren’t going to die any time soon. I stayed there and owned the place for another drink or so before heading home to sleep the sleep of a guy who has just finished having slightly too much fun but still has incredible hair and you can ask anyone.
Yesterday, I met my friends Andrew, Pete, Nick, and their fun dogs for Sunday lunch, which is great for a guy like me, who likes fun with dogs, food, and beer all at once wherever and whenever possible. Afterward, I headed to Greenwich to do a set at the Up the Creek comedy club. I was running on fumes by that time, so I just got onstage and brought the heat for a bit before getting dizzy and heading off into the night.
On the way home from Greenwich, I stopped off to see some friends at a bar in Camden, a popular neighborhood for the young people of London. The sign above was hanging in the stairwell on the way down to the bathrooms at the bar. I’m not sure what it means, but if you add the phrase “in my pants” to the end of it, it becomes infinitely and endlessly funny if you ask me (and I am right about everything).
Okay, now the flight attendants are bringing some snack of some sort around so I really need to get mine before things fully descend into a “Lord of the Flies” situation on this plane and we have to pick a leader and also someone gets killed.
Love,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 2nd March 2012
Dave Hill vs. Fashion Week 2012 from Put This On on Vimeo.
Hi. It’s Dave again. As many of you know, I am one of the best dressers and most fashionable people in general ever so there. As a result, I can rarely stop myself from heading down to New York Fashion Week and basically schooling everyone on fashion without even really trying. This time around, I interviewed people outside the Ralph Lauren show for the popular Internet show that knows a thing or two about how to look incredible, Put This On. Watch it above right now. And if you feel like checking out any of my other Fashion Week videos (and yes- I am pretty sure you do), you can totally watch them right now here. Okay, that about covers it. Keep up the good work.
I love you,
Dave Hill
Mar
Posted on 1st March 2012
Today I write to you from sunny London, England, an old-timey city that has been here for fifty or sixty years at least. Nobody knows for sure. Also, David Beckham lives here, which is great for everybody.
I arrived in London yesterday after flying over on a plane all by myself from New York City. They served dinner on the plane and I went with the beef, a decision my pants and I remain conflicted about. Above is a photo of me shortly after arriving at Heathrow airport. As you can see, I felt great and was really excited for the future. My new friend Ian (No, we are not dating- we are two dudes who are totally into chicks and you can ask anybody, so calm down!) picked me up in his sweet van and drove me to the classy shithole I am renting while I’m in town. It is located in Belsize Park, right near all the shops.
Once I got settled and shaved from the waist down, I headed out into the night for the first couple of the six shows I am doing while I am ruling this town this week. First, I did a short set at the Garage over there in Islington. There is a pub next to the tube station there called the Famous Cock. This is basically always going to be funny no matter what anyone else might tell you. I would love to have a drink there one day, but I’m afraid the beer would come out of my nose because of all the laughing I would be doing.
After my set at the Garage, I hightailed it over to Kensal Green to do Jeff Leach’s show at the Paradise. They had a power outage at the club, so the place was lit up only with candles and also there was no microphone, which really gave the show an old timey, we’re-all-gonna-die-but-we’ll-have-fun-doing-it kind of vibe. After the show, I started drinking as much as possible so as to ease my jetlag. Jeff, a couple other friends, and I ended up at some place called Crobar in Soho (I think), where they play loud rock music and everyone is basically rocking out super hard the whole time like they’re never going to die or something. Against all odds, I ended up doing a Jaeger Bomb, something that has never happened in my entire life before and is unlikely to ever happen again. I mean- don’t get me wrong- I like fun and all, but c’mon. It’s, like, calm down. Am I right?
This morning, I woke up, gathered my pants and wallet and got the day started by eating some fresh fruit and yogurt that I bought at a nearby grocery store with my own money because I am a a grown man. Then I headed out for my first appointment of the day, a high-powered show business meeting in Waterloo. The sex was fabulous and also they gave me a complimentary water, which was great because I was really dehydrated from all those good times I was having last night and also from the sex, which was exhausting and also my feelings got hurt.
After my high-powered show business meeting, I wandered over to Borough Market while listening to both jams and hot jams on my iPod. Along the way, I saw the toilet seat above. Sometimes you think you’re never going to find a toilet seat with beach huts on it and then it happens and life will never be the same again.
As hinted at in the name, Borough Market is an outdoor market near London Bridge where they sell all sorts of delicious foods, dead animals, and also brownies. Every time I go there, I get this green Thai curry from this one stand. It is totally delicious and I want to eat it all day every day despite the fact that it invariably puts me on serious pantshitting alert every time I eat it and I never really know what to do because I am from out of town and I don’t want no trouble.
Once I finished dealing with the green Thai curry and its lasting effects on my gastrointestinal system, I walked around the market some more, mostly just staring at things but also sometimes touching things for slightly too long. Along the way, I stumbled upon a cheese stand that had signs above all their cheeses that read “an introduction to cheese.” Every time I saw a sign, I said “Hi, cheese- I’m Dave!”, which was funny every time even though no one working at the cheese stand seemed to think so. They didn’t have to swear at me like that though. Why do the people of the cheese industry always have to be such dicks?
As funny as it was, I eventually got tired of making that humorous cheese joke, so I decided to get myself a damn brownie, which I totally did because there was a stand there that sold brownies. They were also selling the weird tarts pictured above. As you can see, they were satanic tarts (Think about it long and hard and then I don’t know what). Sometimes you think Satan isn’t going to show up at a brownie/tart stand and then he totally does when you least expect it. That’s just his way, I guess. Satan- always one step ahead, even when it comes to dessert items.
Once I finished tearing Borough Market a new one, I rode the tube back to my classy shithole in Belsize Park all by myself and took a nap, which I totally deserved after doing all that stuff I just mentioned. It would tire out a lumberjack. Now it’s time to put my pants back on and head out into the night to do another show. This time I’m tearing a club in Kentish Town a new one. Tomorrow and Saturday I’m at Deansway’s in Bethnal Green. Come. We’ll make out.
Love,
Dave Hill
