|Come to My Show at UCB NYC TOMORROW, April 29 at 9:30pm. That Would Be So Great.||
Hi. You seem nice. Anyway, remember how I was talking about how I have my incredible “Big in Japan” show at the popular and reputable Upright Citizens Brigade over there in Chelsea. Yeah, well it’s happening TOMORROW night, or Thursday, April 29 at 9:30pm if you want to get all technical about it. I can’t go into too much detail about it right now because I am conducting a teambuilding seminar for the entire staff of the Paramus, New Jersey Blockbuster Video store in the back of the Subway (the popular sandwich store) next door in exactly fifteen minutes and my slides are completely out of order and I can’t find the helmets anywhere and there is blood, blood everywhere. Anyway, I really hope you can make it (to the show, not the seminar, though you are free to attend if you are in the area and willing to sign a waiver). I am so confident you will have a lovely time at my show that if you are not completely satisfied with your entertainment experience, I will come to your house at the next major holiday of your choosing and give you and your loved ones a real night to remember (HINT: intercourse). You can get tickets right here
Also, the Sanrio-style drawing of me above is by Claire Sullivan. I am pretty excited about it. He really nailed the hair. And speaking of incredible hair, here is an anime-style drawing of me by Brendan Jordan that’s also really great.
Yesterday, I ended up in a drug store in search of duct tape and some other things I needed for later when I happened upon the soap aisle without even trying. There, my attention was immediately drawn to the Burt’s Bees section of products. In case you are unfamiliar, they have the guy with the beard (Burt, I think) and also sometimes some bees I am pretty sure. Anyway, among the assorted cleansers, pastes, and astringents, I spotted something called a citrus and ginger root body bar (which is actually soap, it turns out). Since I like both citrus and ginger (which originates in root form only so I don’t know why they have to add “root” to the description. I’m not stupid, Burt!) and I also frequently clean myself, I thought “Great. That is just really great. It’s almost like they made it just for me, Dave Hill, a guy who likes both citrus and ginger and also cleans himself several days a week whether he needs it or not.” As if all of that weren’t enough, the soap boasted of being “extra energizing” on the box. I would have settled for just “energizing,” but once I found out it was “extra energizing” I was 110% sold. The “body bar” was $3.95, but that was no big deal since I am a celebrity.
Once I got home, I immediately stripped myself of my perfectly put together outfit and jumped into the shower, dragging the body bar in there with me. I was excited and really looking forward to being both cleaned and extra energized in a citrus and ginger root fashion. The fun stopped there, however. After I got the soap out of the soggy box (should have done this before I got in the shower), I brought it to my nose, expecting to pretty much have my ass handed to me by citrus and ginger root awesomeness. Instead, I just got some faint, vaguely soapy bullshit scent barely even making an effort to escape into the air and into my perfectly-suited-for-my-face nose. I tried lathering up with the soap thinking that maybe that would release its powers, but no- the “citrus and ginger root body bar” pretty much just sat there telling me to go fuck myself.
In short, the citrus and ginger root soap ended up being pretty much bullshit as far as being either citrus and gingery goes. And I wasn’t energized either. I was, however, enraged and all I could think of was that smug fuck Burt sitting there cackling like a drunken pirate in some log cabin somewhere while he rolled around in the nude with my $3.95. Burt’s Bullshit if more like it! If I ever run into that guy I will swing him around in concentric circles by his beard until he goes crashing into the cement of the nearest Burger King parking lot.
Once I got done being fucked in the ass by the Burt’s Bees not-so-citrus-and-gingery body bar, I stumbled off into the night in search of some sort of solace. There was no action in the park and I didn’t feel like getting drunk, so instead I went to the deli where I was delighted to find that the Haagen-Dazs people have finally decided to stop fucking around and start offering some other flavors besided chocolate and vanilla and a few other bullshit ones in those little mini, non-pint sized containers. Last night, I found the best flavor they make in my accurate opinion, peanut butter chocolate, in the little container, which is great for me. If I weren’t in show business, I’d probably just go ahead and buy the pint size of this flavor each time, but since I need to look incredible all of the time, sometimes I like to bring it down a notch and just eat a small container of ice cream at night and also sometimes during the day. Anyway, I marched the little container of peanut butter chocolate ice cream to the counter and paid for it. It was $2.75, which is kind of bullshit, but- again- since I am a celebrity it was no big deal really.
After I finished being inside the deli, I walked back into the night and totally ate the Haagen Dazs I had just paid for with my own money. Then I walked past the drug store where I bought that Burt’s Bees bullshit and gave pretty much everyone there the finger (guilt by association, I figure). Then I just went home and hung out and stuff. It went okay. None of my programs were on and everything was ruined.
|Come to My Popular “Big in Japan” Show at UCBT NYC on April 29 at 9:30pm. That Would Be So Great.||
Attention People of New York City:
Hello. This is your man Da- hey, wait a second- don’t hit delete. Hear me out. Anyway, as I was saying, this is your man Dave Hill. And- look- I know things have been really crazy between us lately and no amount of apologizing is going to take that dent out of your car or bring that donkey back to life and finally get us the deposit back either. I just want you to know that I’ve changed. A lot. Or at least I am trying to anyway. And I just want to you come and be in the same room with the new me, maybe for just one last time if that’s all your heart can muster, while I break out my life-altering one-man show/monologue/rock assault “Big in Japan” on American audiences for one of the last few times ever before I take it over to Europe for a summer tour that will do way more damage to that continent than any damn volcano smoke could ever hope to in a million years or maybe even more. This is all going to happen on Thursday, April 29 at 9:30pm at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, a perfectly reasonable time and place for such a thing. Also, this latest installment will feature some all-new talking, all-new shredding, and some all-new stuff to look at that most people can’t even handle. Also, I got a hold of at least six crates of that snus stuff, so you will be able to savor delicious smoke-free and spit-free tobacco in a pouch throughout my allotted time slot. As if all of that is not enough, I am from the future. Anyway, I really hope you can make it. You can get tickets right here.
My bros Tim and John from Cobra Verde formed an unstoppable rock band called Sweet Apple with J Mascis (from Dinosaur Jr. Duh.) and Dave Sweetapple from Witch. They have a great new album coming out next week and they made this cool video for their first single “Do You Remember?,” featuring some hot tennis action to go with the rocking. Watch it now or I will stab you. And go see them Tuesday, April 20 at Mercury Lounge if you are in NYC like me. I’ll be there. Look for the guy with no shirt on.
In the interest the spreading the message of the most extreme black metal band of all-time, I made this video the other night for my band Witch Taint. Warning: You’re computer will probably melt if you watch it.
Today I write to you from scenic LAX airport, where I am waiting to head back to New York City, the town in which I do my laundry. I will give you a full report on my Los Angeles invasion soon, but in the meantime you should listen to the most recent episode of WTF Pod, which features me being interviewed by the excellent Marc Maron. Marc’s podcast is one of the greatest podcasts of all-time and I believe this to be the best episode yet, you know, because I am on it and I am trying to believe in myself more these days. Marc and I talk about all sorts of things, including but not limited to Japan, handjobs, and prison. In short, it pretty much has everything. You can download the entire episode for free on iTunes or listen to it right here. And you should.
As if all of that is not enough, I am also the featured interviewee on another excellent podcast, Jesse Jordan Go, brought to you by the Sound of Young America’s Jesse Thorn and also Mr. Jordan Morris. We talk about the Lebowski Fest and heavy metal among other topics. I also face off in a match of wits with my nemesis! You can download the entire episode from iTunes or grab it right here. Between that and WTF Pod, you can hear me ramble for almost two hours straight. I hope you’re happy.