I Am Going on Rumspringa
In light of recent bullshit and after careful consideration, I have decided to go on rumspringa, what is usually known as “a period of adolescence for some members of the Amish, a subsect of the Anabaptist Christian movement, that begins around the age of sixteen and ends when a youth chooses baptism within the Amish church or instead leaves the community.”
In the interest of full disclosure, I am not Amish, which is one of the reasons I have a website. However, I am taking full advantage of the part of the above description that says how rumspringa “ends when a youth chooses baptism within the Amish church or instead leaves the community.” It’s giving me lots of wiggle room to get up to all sorts of shenanigans that are not only not tolerated within the Amish community, but not really tolerated by a lot of other people either. Yeah, I might get shunned, but F it. Am I right or am I right?
Job one is my new rumspringa phase will be to march myself up to CVS dropping F-bombs (e.g. “fuck,” fuckin’”) the whole way. Once I get to CVS, I will load up one of those little plastic hand carrier cart things with as many cold ones (i.e. beers) as I can (a lot) and then go up to the register and pay for that shit with mostly my own money. Afterwards, I’ll park myself out in front of the store, drop my pants, and get up to having a really nice time with all the cold ones I just got myself.
Once I’m done partying super hard in front of the CVS, I will probably head over to the Burger King parking lot down the street and beat the crap out of anyone who even thinks of looking at me the wrong way, mostly whipping them around in circles by their windbreaker. Then I’ll head inside and probably start making out with most of the chicks inside who probably thought they were going to have a Whopper or something and that’s it.
After I have finished partying in front of CVS, beating the crap out of a ton of kids in the Burger King parking lot, and making out with like eleven chicks probably inside the Burger King, I will buy some cigarettes and smoke and listen to loud rock music in the area right next to the Shell station where the Shell station manager can’t say a damn thing about it because I’m not even on his property anyway. This will go on for six to eight hours, during which I will make several trips into the Shell station itself to buy some beef jerky and also some gum that is manufactured to look like beef jerky. When the Shell station manager gives me dirty looks for coming inside his “store,” I will just say to him “What?! I’m a paying customer! You don’t think I’ll call the cops but I will!” And there will be nothing he can do about it.
Once I get done hanging out at the Shell station that sucks anyway, I will head home and stay up super late watching sophiticated movies with adult content on premium cable television. I will do this for as long as I feel like it and I will probably swear a lot too because I can. Then I will order some pizzas and probably have like nine of the chicks I met at Burger King come over to my house for intercourse. It is going to be awesome.
And when I am all done with that stuff, I may or may not become Amish. We’ll see. I’ll let you know when I am good and F-ing ready. Sh*t. Piss. Damn. This is what it’s like to live with no rules. F it.
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