|Los Angeles Invasion||
Today I write to you from scenic Los Angeles, where I have been for the last several days “taking meetings,” “doing lunch”, and other stuff that makes this town number one in the hearts and minds of Americans everywhere. Through a strange turn of events (meaning someone else paid), I even flew out here first class, something I had never done before as I am a simple man. I figured it would be really great and I could sleep really comfortably the whole time, but as it turns out I guess I have flying coach down to a science and actually had more trouble sleeping in first class. I guess I really am a man of the people when it comes right down to it.
Anyway, I have been mostly running around doing the stuff mentioned in the previous paragraph while I’m here, so I haven’t had much time to see friends or anything like that as much as I’d like too. On Friday, I shot a promo (It’s like a commercial I’m told) in the desert (El Mirage, it was called) for my exciting new television show “The King of Miami,” which debuts May 7 in the futuristic high definition format on the futuristic high definition network MOJO, which is on cable. The promo was with me and the guys from all the other shows they have coming out on the network. That is a picture of me in the desert above during a moment of non-activity. As you can se, I am relatively comfortable in the desert and was not that close to dying or anything. Being from Cleveland and all, going to the desert is kind of like going to the moon, so really it could have gone either way. Weirdly, this was my fourth time shooting in the desert over the past year though and I pretty much came away unscathed this time around.
Because of the promo shoot and all, I got to stay in a nice hotel for a couple nights, but the rest of my time out here in Los Angeles I have been left to my own devices. For the first couple nights, I decided to get a hotel on Priceline.com, the popular website. I bid low on a “moderate” (one notch up from totall shitty in theory) hotel room and ended up in the Days Inn on Hollywood Boulevard, easily the nastiest hotel I have been in maybe in my whole life. The first room I checked into had a big yellow pee stain in the bed (I both smelled and touched the spot with my hand to make sure I wasn’t imagining it. It tested piss-positive). I went back to the front desk and alerted them of the large deposit of urine (not my own, I assured them) in my bed and they gave me another room. The next room they gave me didn’t have any visible signs of urine damage but did smell like a nursing home. I bought a scented candle and a big beer at the grocery store across the street to dull the sensory assault I was up against. I am a man of low standards, but this place even pushed it for me. It seemed like a place someone might come to die alone. I was even woken at 4am by a couple in the room above me boning. It was like a bad movie.
In an effort to avoid sitting around my pee-scented room any more than I had too, I met up with my friend Nick for dinner at Sushi Nozawa in Studio City my first night in town, a restaurant considered by some to be the best sushi place in L.A. It was pretty awesome- the kind of place that makes it hard to eat sushi anywhere else for a while until the memory fades and you can go back to eating not-as-good sushi again. I know that last sentence kind of makes me sound like a douchebag (even moreso than the photo above perhaps) but it’s true- Sushi Nozawa is pretty great. My friend Will took me there back in the ‘90’s and I really liked it then too. Okay, so that’s what I have to say about that.
Yesterday I headed up to my friend John’s new place in Eagle Rock, a nice little hamlet near Silver Lake. John and his wife and baby just moved there from NYC, so it was wild to see all their stuff from their New York apartment all set up in some new house across the country. It kind of messed with my head. They have orange trees in their backyard now too. I totally ate the fuck out of one of those things. Then we went to some Vietnamese restaurant that was rumored to be awesome but ended up just being pretty good.
Today I am just “dicking around” as the kids say, doing Sunday stuff and whatnot. I will get back to the glamour tomorrow but for now I am trying to just be some regular guy sitting around in a cafe of some sort typing and drinking lemonade that is not really very good. I guess I sort of bought it as a prop so they wouldn’t get mad at me for totally sitting here and typing and stuff all day. Still, with every sip of the lemonade, I keep thinking about how sucky it is. And yet I can’t stop drinking it. Do you ever get that way?
Speaking of rocking, tonight I was sitting in front my computer listening to my iTunes just like so many other young people are doing these days when the song “Heading Out To The Highway” by the unstoppable Judas Priest came on and kicked me in the nuts. I was in a not-so-great mood at the time but when the song came on I found myself instantly in a slightly better mood. I hope it does the same for you. The song pretty much has everything, including an excellent duel guitar solo and all five band members clad entirely in leather. That’s pretty much half the battle if you ask me. Anyway, I hope you like it so much.
In other news, this morning as I was making my rounds about town, running errands and such, I stopped into a soap store called Sabon (which I think is French or something for soap). The second I walked in they asked me to take part in something they referred to as their “ritual” in which I had to rub some oily salt scrub stuff on my hands and then wash my hands like a motherfucker. Then they put all sorts of lotions and oils on me and it was like I was a walking scratch-n-sniff or something. I still smell like all sorts of stuff as I type this- ginger, mango, lavender, and all sorts of other stuff that grows in nature. I am on the fence about it. I will keep you posted on this and assorted other topics, both fragrance and non-fragrance related, in the very near future.
|This Moment In Dio||
As is often the case in life when I have a moment to myself, late last night I spent some time watching old videos of Ronnie James Dio and Ronnie James Dio-related bands on the popular YouTube website. In my opinion, a day without Ronnie is a day wasted. Last night, I stumbled upon the above video of Ronnie with Rainbow, guitarist Ritchie Blackmore’s band after he left Deep Purple for the first time. Here they are in 1977 playing “Man On The Silver Mountain,” one of the sweetest rock songs of all time in my opinion (and I am always right on such matters). Ronnie James Dio is currently rocking people with Heaven and Hell, which is the Black Sabbath lineup from when he replaced Ozzy. I am sure they are rocking people’s balls off so much that it’s not even fucking funny. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this incredible moment in rock as much as I did.
|I Am A Walking Miracle. I Could Go At Any Time.||
As anyone who has ever slept in the same room with me will tell you, I tend to snore like a motherfucker. Weirdly, I don’t do it on purpose either (as has often been suggested by people who have been kept up all night by my snoring)- it is just something that totally happens without me realizing it, especially after I’ve been drinking I am told (which is often, what with me living the party lifestyle and all).
Over the last couple years, people who have shared the same room with me in both a boning and non-boning capacity have suggested that they thought I might actually die in my sleep, which would suck, especially for the person who has to totally wake up in the same room with a dead me. Imagine how awkward breakfast would be. Anyway, a few months ago I decided to go into a special clinic where they hook you up to a shitload of wires and stuff and analyze your sleeping habits. I did it two nights about a week apart. It was kind of weird knowing that someone was watching me sleep (they have cameras), especially since I often wake up with my boxers at my ankles for whatever reason, but dammit this was science so I tried to do my best to sleep in a really scientific manner.
A few days after my second night of being watched in my sleep, I got a call from a doctor who informed me that I had sleep apnea, the popular sleep disorder that causes a person to snore, choke, stop breathing, and maybe even die in their sleep, which is negative. My dad has sleep apnea so I wasn’t super surprised that I had it too, what with genetics and all. The doctor said the sleep apnea was probably the reason I am super tired all the time no matter how much sleep I get even though I still manage to be tons of fun. She also said I should start sleeping with the mask featured on the Asian man in the photo above. The mask makes it so you can’t snore or choke or die or anything while you sleep. It also pretty much makes it so no one will ever have sex with you again (unless they are into crazy shit, in which case you are pretty much set).
Anyway, I’ve been using the mask on and off for the past few months. It leaves a big red mark on my face so I tend not to use it when I am doing any glamorous on-camera work. It is also a pain at airports since it looks like some crazy bomb or something to the luggage inspector people who aren’t used to things from the future so I tend not to take it with me when I travel. It is also not that fun to strap on when you are hammered so I tend not to use it after I’ve been drinking a lot either, which- given the party lifestyle mentioned earlier- is a ton. When I do manage to use the mask though, it seems to work pretty well (aside from the red mark on my face). I feel better rested for the most part and don’t need to take any naps during the day really. One bad thing though is that whenever I wake up in the middle of the night, I feel like I am in an intensive care unit or something because I am wearing a crazy mask and I am all alone in the dark. This makes me feel kind of sad because I think I’m gonna die really soon or something and I’m not that much into that idea really since I’m always cooking up all sorts of plans for the future and stuff. Also, the idea of masturbating while wearing the mask seems too “Blue Velvet” or something, so I tend to avoid it. What can I say? I like to keep it classy.
I imagine in the future this whole thing will be treated differently and the Asian guy in the photo above and I won’t have to sleep with some crazy mask on so we don’t die or snore that much. I am excited for that day. Imagine all the crazy banging we will be up to. I mean, not with each other, just in general.
|Fashion Week Video On SuperDeluxe||
Hi there. Do you like funtime videos? Okay, great, because the video my friend Keith and I just made of me at this past Fashion Week in New York City is up on the popular Internet website SuperDeluxe. You can watch it by clicking on the video thing above. I hope you enjoy it so much.
|Girl Scout Cookies And Whatnot||
It is still on the relatively freezing side here in scenic Manhattan but I am dealing with it nicely thanks to the free winter coat I got from the Nike corporation mentioned a couple entries ago. However, I just went out for cup of coffee wearing the free coat I got from the excellent people at Le Tigre and I must say I was really warm in that too. And, to be fair, it looks sportier than the Nike coat. I guess if there is anything to learn from all of this it is that free coats in general tend to be a lot warmer than ones you actually have to pay for. Also, I am kind of a douchebag for mentioning any of this. But hey- I’m YOUR douchebag! Well, maybe not- I guess that’s up to you really.
Anyway, yesterday I bought some Girl Scout cookies from a friend who was selling them for her niece or cousin or something. I went with the Samoas and the Thin Mints, both pretty solid cookies in my opinion. I carried the Samoas and Thin Mints with me for a few blocks and you could see the excited looks on people’s faces. People really love these cookies, dammit. Along the way, I stopped off for coffee and the girl in the coffee shop was all like “Give me some of those Thin Mints!” and I was all like “Take them because I am becoming a big old fat person!” She ended up not taking them though even though I was all like “Seriously, just take them, dammit!” Maybe I will go back later today.
I’ve never understood why the Girl Scouts don’t just sell the cookies year round. People love that shit. I am convinced you could open a Girl Scout cookies store here in Manhattan and there would be a line out the door year round. People love that shit. There- I said it again.
Speaking of Girl Scouts, I’ve never been involved in scouting myself. I remember as a kid me and my next door neighbor John Coneglio were the only two kids in our entire school who refused to join the Cub Scouts. Even then we were total badasses. One day, our friend Kevin had all the Cub Scouts- probably 50 of them or something- over to his house. They all played in his back yard in their little uniforms. John and I stood on the edge of his yard and made fun of all the kids in their Cub Scout uniforms. I’m still not sure how two 8 year-olds felt confident enough to mock 50 8 year-olds who could have easily done away with them in “Lord Of The Flies” fashion or something. Oh wait- I know, we had huge 8 year-old balls.
Anyway, all these years later, I can’t really remember why John and I hated the idea of scouting so much (I mean, you know, besides the fact that it’s, like, you know, really gay). Sometimes I think maybe I missed out on something but then I remember it’s the Girl Scouts that have the cookies and I’m alright.
As I continue to adjust back to life at sea level, I thought I’d share with you a couple exciting photos from my exciting trip to scenic Aspen, Colorado. The photo above is, of course, me with television’s Stephen Colbert. This was right after he received the “Person Of The Year” award at the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival that we were both totally at. Stephen and I had just met moments before this photo was taken, but- as you can tell- we pretty much hit the ground running as far as being inseperable from now on goes. I wonder what Thanksgiving at Stephen’s house is going to be like. Well, I guess I’ll find out soon enough. Pass the gravy, Stephen! I guess I had better get used to saying stuff like that.
The photo above is of me and my close personal friend John Mulaney sharing a laugh in the lobby of the Sky Hotel, which is where I totally stayed in Aspen. I’m not sure what John and I were talking about when this photo was taken, but you can bet your ass it was priceless. Also, if you look closely enough, you can see a show business executive in the background closing a 16 picture deal on his cellular telephone before hitting the slopes high on cocaine. That’s just how it goes in Aspen. God I miss that town.
|Aspen. Am I Right Or Am I Right?||
I have just returned from six days and five nights in scenic Aspen, Colorado where I was for the popular U.S. Comedy Arts Festival. It was fun times all around. I got to do my Explosion show twice, one night with Judith Light as the guest and one night with Helen Klanderud, the mayor of Aspen, as the guest. They were both great and I got to hug Judith Light a bunch of times, which was life-altering. I also did the Moth show one day with John Oliver, Marc Maron, Billy Baldwin, and Mike DiStefano. They were all great and now I’ve got Baldwin fever like a motherfucker, dammit.
While in scenic Aspen, I stayed at the Sky Hotel, which was fancy, boutique-y, and covered in wood and stuff. They play techno music in the lobby 24 hours a day so you know they aren’t fucking around as far as serving up good times all the time goes. There was also free coffee in the morning and free wine in the late afternoon. Classy, dammit. The picture above is what it looks like right behind the Sky Hotel. You can ski right down the mountain and then walk right into the Sky Hotel and start drinking free wine and listening to techno. It was awesome. I didn’t ski myself because I was afraid that I would break my leg or something and not be able to do my shows. Ironically, I fucked up my foot/ankle region jumping off the stage during my Saturday night show. Life is crazy.
Another exciting thing about Aspen (besides the fact that Kevin Costner lives there!) was that I got all sorts of free crap all week, so much in fact that I had trouble getting all that shit home. Highlights included this big ass winter coat made by the Nike corporation that keeps you all bundled up and warm like a motherfucker and a bunch of lotions and stuff from the Kiehl’s people. I am lubed up from head to toe as I type this. I also took all the soaps and stuff that they put in my hotel room every morning. Fuck it.
Aside from all of the above, I shot a bunch of stuff for HBO while I was there and I got to see some great performances by John Mulaney, Michael Showalter, John Oliver, Mary Lynn Rajskub, Charlyne Yi, and Eric Andre. I also got to see Stephen Colbert get his “Person Of The Year” award. He is the man x50.
Anyway, now I’m back in New York City. I had fun times in Aspen but it’s nice not to be the only person on the street not wearing ski boots anymore. Hopefully I’ll make it back to Costner Town again some day though. And next time I’ll bring a cowboy hat. It’s going to be great.
|As Long As We’re On The Topic Of Me…||
I am here in scenic Aspen, Colorado for the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival where I am doing my Explosion show and a whole bunch of other stuff. Anyway, there is a nice story about me today in the Aspen Times, which- as hinted at in the name- is one of the newspapers out here. You can read the article here if you feel like it. That is a picture of me standing in front of a fake elk and acting like I don’t know someone is taking my picture above. I was on a TV show and a radio show this morning here in Aspen too. Talk about a media blitz. I feel like Mariah Carey.
|Yes, I Know I Am Shameless||
Here is something nice. Variety Magazine put me on their “10 Comics To Watch” list. There is a story about me and everything. You can read it here. I can’t wait to shove it in my coworkers faces one day when I am working at an auto parts shop or something. Or maybe I will grow up to be just like Kevin Costner. Really, it could go either way. Show business is a cruel mistress.