I’ve just returned from a long walk in my scenic Brooklyn neighborhood. It is hot as balls outside. In an effort to avoid passing out on the sidewalk, I stopped off for some ice cream and a bottle of water. I was going to get some sparkling water of some sort but then I saw a bottle of this stuff called Metromint, which- as the name suggests- is basically water with mint flavoring. It sounded kind disgusting at first but then I decided to keep an open mind about things and also reminded myself how sometimes I like drinking water right after brushing my teeth because the water has kind of a nice minty flavor. I decided to buy a bottle of it along with a pint of coffee ice cream.

As it turns out, there are several problems with the Metromint water. Dammit. For starters, it cost $2.50. Unless it’s going to give you superpowers or a handjob or something, this is way too much to be paying for a bottle of water. I felt like kind of a douchebag actually paying for it but I was too lazy to carry it all the way back to the cooler.

Once I got outside, I decided to give the Metromint water a shot. It pretty much tastes how water tastes when you drink it while chewing gum. This made me instantly think about how I could have had the same water drinking experience by just buying a regular bottle of water and 25¢ pack of gum, which would have been quite a savings over the $2.50 bottle of crappy mint water I held in my hand. Making matters worse, since I wasn’t actually chewing gum while drinking this particular bottle of water, it seemed more like someone else had dropped their piece of gum into my bottle of water. I had to keep reminding myself that this was not the case as I drank my overpriced bottle of Metromint. I guess the thing to do would have been to just stop drinking the bottle of Metromint altogether, but since I had already paid $2.50 for it I figured I had no choice but to suck it down (I am a cheap bastard). Plus, the label on the bottle said something about mint having healing powers so I figured it couldn’t be all bad.

Once I got home, I checked out the Metromint website to do a little more research on the product. Based on all the pictures of dudes hanging out with hot chicks while drinking bottles of Metromint that they had on the website, the Metromint water is pretty much guaranteed to get you laid, which is great. I will let you know what happens. So far, so not good.

Dave Hill

I’ve just returned from a long walk in my scenic Brooklyn neighborhood. It is hot as balls outside. In an effort to avoid passing out on the sidewalk, I stopped off for some ice cream and a bottle of water. I was going to get some sparkling water of some sort but then I saw a bottle of this stuff called Metromint, which- as the name suggests- is basically water with mint flavoring. It sounded kind disgusting at first but then I decided to keep an open mind about things and also reminded myself how sometimes I like drinking water right after brushing my teeth because the water has kind of a nice minty flavor. I decided to buy a bottle of it along with a pint of coffee ice cream.

As it turns out, there are several problems with the Metromint water. Dammit. For starters, it cost $2.50. Unless it’s going to give you superpowers or a handjob or something, this is way too much to be paying for a bottle of water. I felt like kind of a douchebag actually paying for it but I was too lazy to carry it all the way back to the cooler.

Once I got outside, I decided to give the Metromint water a shot. It pretty much tastes how water tastes when you drink it while chewing gum. This made me instantly think about how I could have had the same water drinking experience by just buying a regular bottle of water and 25¢ pack of gum, which would have been quite a savings over the $2.50 bottle of crappy mint water I held in my hand. Making matters worse, since I wasn’t actually chewing gum while drinking this particular bottle of water, it seemed more like someone else had dropped their piece of gum into my bottle of water. I had to keep reminding myself that this was not the case as I drank my overpriced bottle of Metromint. I guess the thing to do would have been to just stop drinking the bottle of Metromint altogether, but since I had already paid $2.50 for it I figured I had no choice but to suck it down (I am a cheap bastard). Plus, the label on the bottle said something about mint having healing powers so I figured it couldn’t be all bad.

Once I got home, I checked out the Metromint website to do a little more research on the product. Based on all the pictures of dudes hanging out with hot chicks while drinking bottles of Metromint that they had on the website, the Metromint water is pretty much guaranteed to get you laid, which is great. I will let you know what happens. So far, so not good.

Dave Hill

Last night I headed over to Southpaw in scenic Park Slope to see Rocket From The Tombs (Rocket From The Crypt got their name from them, in case you were wondering), the legendary new wave/punk-type rock band from the same town I am from, Cleveland. They rocked balls.

I have been a big fan of singer David Thomas, who went on to form Pere Ubu after RFTT split up, for a long time. He’s a super-talented and- as best as I can tell- super intense dude. A few years ago, one of my rock bands, Uptown Sinclair, opened up for one of David’s projects, David Thomas and Two Pale Boys, at the Beachland Ballroom in Cleveland. David was kind of a dick to pretty much everyone in the building (to be fair though, the crowd hadn’t shown up yet, so I’m only talking about like seven people really) before the show, but when he went on later that night he was so awesome I didn’t mind his earlier dicky behavior at all; which is not to say being an awesome artist gets you off the hook for being a dick- it’s just that he was so great he could have walked off the stage and kicked me in the nuts and I wouldn’t have minded too much just as long as he kept singing while he was doing it. Anyway, here’s to art. Or something like that anyway.

Yesterday during the day I was busy with my various plots for world domination but I did find time to do a little laundry while I was at it. In between cycles I wandered over to the park in my neighborhood, where I happened upon the dead bird in the photo above. I’m not sure whether he got sick and keeled over, got run over by a car, or maybe just lost his will to live somewhere along the line. I like how- even in death- he looks like he’s flying though. You can’t keep a good bird down I guess. Not even one whose head is starting to rot. Speaking of dead birds though, sometimes I wonder why we don’t see more of them lying around. Where do they all go? This is one of the many things that keep me up at night.

Also at the park, I happened upon these two pairs of shoes on a park bench. I looked around for their owners but they were nowhere in sight. The woman’s shoes are Nine West, a reputable and affordable brand it is my understanding. Normally I would think two pairs of shoes sitting alone on a park bench was a sign of something gone wrong. But in this case they feel more like a sign of something gone right. Really right. I’m not saying the couple who left the shoes behind ran off for some hardcore boning or anything, but maybe it was fun walking home barefoot. It usually is (unless someone has stolen your shoes or something, which has never happened to me but I could see how that might suck, especially if you had just bought a sweet pair of Air Jordans or something). Then again, maybe the couple woke up the next day and were all like “What the fuck? What happened to our shoes? And you’re not Danny!” Then maybe they went and got breakfast, eggs maybe.

Dave Hill

Attention People Of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that on Thursday, August 3 at 9:30pm, I will be returning from my self-imposed exile to once again bring you another exciting installent of the motherf%#king Dave Hill Explosion, which will take place at the popular Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there on West 26th Street. As pretty much everyone in North America has noticed, there has been no Explosion in the month of July. This is because- in an effort to reach a higher state of being and stuff like that - I have been living in seclusion in the woods just north of the 79th St. Boat Basin for the past couple weeks and surviving on nothing but wild berries, cicadas, and a handful of Zagnut bars I bought on the subway. By day I have been communing with small woodland creatures and a fun-loving Springer Spaniel who answers to both Ricky and Mr. Ruff Ruff The King Of Full-Time Fun Who For Whatever Reason Will Not Stay Away From My Self-Tanner. By night I have pretty much been working on my abs, writing silly little love songs, and building up my tolerance to handmade poisonous darts. Anyway, my point is that I am a better man today than I was even on Wednesday and I am going to take everything I have learned out in those woods and put it right back into bringing you at least five bucks worth of entertainment. My guest on August 3 will be Haley Joel Osment. Just kidding. But when the time is right, I will let both you and myself know who the exciting guests will be too. Brace yourself. I hope you can make it. Talk about good times- this is an example of that. Oh yeah, here watch this video.

So let it be written- so let it be done,
Dave Hill

Last night I headed over to Southpaw in scenic Park Slope to see Rocket From The Tombs (Rocket From The Crypt got their name from them, in case you were wondering), the legendary new wave/punk-type rock band from the same town I am from, Cleveland. They rocked balls.

I have been a big fan of singer David Thomas, who went on to form Pere Ubu after RFTT split up, for a long time. He’s a super-talented and- as best as I can tell- super intense dude. A few years ago, one of my rock bands, Uptown Sinclair, opened up for one of David’s projects, David Thomas and Two Pale Boys, at the Beachland Ballroom in Cleveland. David was kind of a dick to pretty much everyone in the building (to be fair though, the crowd hadn’t shown up yet, so I’m only talking about like seven people really) before the show, but when he went on later that night he was so awesome I didn’t mind his earlier dicky behavior at all; which is not to say being an awesome artist gets you off the hook for being a dick- it’s just that he was so great he could have walked off the stage and kicked me in the nuts and I wouldn’t have minded too much just as long as he kept singing while he was doing it. Anyway, here’s to art. Or something like that anyway.

Yesterday during the day I was busy with my various plots for world domination but I did find time to do a little laundry while I was at it. In between cycles I wandered over to the park in my neighborhood, where I happened upon the dead bird in the photo above. I’m not sure whether he got sick and keeled over, got run over by a car, or maybe just lost his will to live somewhere along the line. I like how- even in death- he looks like he’s flying though. You can’t keep a good bird down I guess. Not even one whose head is starting to rot. Speaking of dead birds though, sometimes I wonder why we don’t see more of them lying around. Where do they all go? This is one of the many things that keep me up at night.

Also at the park, I happened upon these two pairs of shoes on a park bench. I looked around for their owners but they were nowhere in sight. The woman’s shoes are Nine West, a reputable and affordable brand it is my understanding. Normally I would think two pairs of shoes sitting alone on a park bench was a sign of something gone wrong. But in this case they feel more like a sign of something gone right. Really right. I’m not saying the couple who left the shoes behind ran off for some hardcore boning or anything, but maybe it was fun walking home barefoot. It usually is (unless someone has stolen your shoes or something, which has never happened to me but I could see how that might suck, especially if you had just bought a sweet pair of Air Jordans or something). Then again, maybe the couple woke up the next day and were all like “What the fuck? What happened to our shoes? And you’re not Danny!” Then maybe they went and got breakfast, eggs maybe.

Dave Hill

Attention People Of New York City:

Hello. This is your man Dave Hill writing to let you know that on Thursday, August 3 at 9:30pm, I will be returning from my self-imposed exile to once again bring you another exciting installent of the motherf%#king Dave Hill Explosion, which will take place at the popular Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre over there on West 26th Street. As pretty much everyone in North America has noticed, there has been no Explosion in the month of July. This is because- in an effort to reach a higher state of being and stuff like that - I have been living in seclusion in the woods just north of the 79th St. Boat Basin for the past couple weeks and surviving on nothing but wild berries, cicadas, and a handful of Zagnut bars I bought on the subway. By day I have been communing with small woodland creatures and a fun-loving Springer Spaniel who answers to both Ricky and Mr. Ruff Ruff The King Of Full-Time Fun Who For Whatever Reason Will Not Stay Away From My Self-Tanner. By night I have pretty much been working on my abs, writing silly little love songs, and building up my tolerance to handmade poisonous darts. Anyway, my point is that I am a better man today than I was even on Wednesday and I am going to take everything I have learned out in those woods and put it right back into bringing you at least five bucks worth of entertainment. My guest on August 3 will be Haley Joel Osment. Just kidding. But when the time is right, I will let both you and myself know who the exciting guests will be too. Brace yourself. I hope you can make it. Talk about good times- this is an example of that. Oh yeah, here watch this video.

So let it be written- so let it be done,
Dave Hill

This morning I woke up early and went to the grocery and totally bought the fuck out of a few things. The original plan was to just get some milk and then the next thing I know I’m buying banans and celery and bread and peanut butter and jelly and also the above product, Sunbelt Fruit & Nut Granola Cereal. It was only $2.19 a box (cheap for granola cereal and just cereal in general, especially here in the big city, where they charge the fuck out of people for everyday food items and other stuff besides that too). I figured since it was so cheap it probably sucked or something, but then I was all like “Fuck it, I’m gonna give it a shot.” And boy am I glad I did. The cereal was seriously good. I had two bowls of that shit and everything. Anyway, it was a nice little suprise for me and I am really excited to eat some more cereal tomorrow morning. I’ll let you know if I feel the same way in tomorrow morning, when the world could be totally different.

I was seriously thinking about buying another one of those Entenmann’s Chocolate Fudge cakes again too, especially after talking with a friend about them last night and totally being on the same page about the general greatness of cake and this specific cake in general. In the end, I decided to distract myself and not buy the cake though because I thought this might be better for my crimefighting skills. I can already feel the difference. But for the record I still really like cake. I bet you do too.

Dave Hill

This morning I woke up early and went to the grocery and totally bought the fuck out of a few things. The original plan was to just get some milk and then the next thing I know I’m buying banans and celery and bread and peanut butter and jelly and also the above product, Sunbelt Fruit & Nut Granola Cereal. It was only $2.19 a box (cheap for granola cereal and just cereal in general, especially here in the big city, where they charge the fuck out of people for everyday food items and other stuff besides that too). I figured since it was so cheap it probably sucked or something, but then I was all like “Fuck it, I’m gonna give it a shot.” And boy am I glad I did. The cereal was seriously good. I had two bowls of that shit and everything. Anyway, it was a nice little suprise for me and I am really excited to eat some more cereal tomorrow morning. I’ll let you know if I feel the same way in tomorrow morning, when the world could be totally different.

I was seriously thinking about buying another one of those Entenmann’s Chocolate Fudge cakes again too, especially after talking with a friend about them last night and totally being on the same page about the general greatness of cake and this specific cake in general. In the end, I decided to distract myself and not buy the cake though because I thought this might be better for my crimefighting skills. I can already feel the difference. But for the record I still really like cake. I bet you do too.

Dave Hill

Dave Hill

Dave Hill